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Friday, March 17, 2006

St. Patrick's Day Funnies


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It's time once again for my annual tip of me hat to Irish Humor as St. Patrick's day springs up before us. Thanks to all those who contributed to this post.

Father Glynn walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

The man said, "I do Father."

The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."

Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to got to heaven?"

"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.

"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.

Then Father Glynn walked up to O'Keefe and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

O'Keefe said, "No, I don't Father."

The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"

O'Keefe said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."

Recently, Germany conducted some scientific exploration involving their best scientists. Core drilling samples of earth were taken to a depth of 50m and during the core examinations, small pieces of copper were discovered. After running many arduous tests on these samples, the German government announced that the ancient Germans 25,000 years ago had a nationwide telephone network.

Naturally, the British government was not that easily impressed. So they ordered their own scientists to take their core samples at a depth of 100m. From these samples, they found small pieces of glass and soon announced that the ancient Brits 35,000 years ago already had a nationwide optical fibre network.

Irish scientists were outraged. So immediately after this announcement, they ordered their scientist to take samples at a depth of 200m but found absolutely nothing. They concluded that the ancient Irish 55,000 years ago were an even more advanced civilisation, as they already had a mobile telephone network in place.

Seamus was walking along the coast of Galway early one morning with a bit of a sore head when he tripped over something in the sand. Reaching down, he picked up a lamp and starting rubbing it. There was a huge crack of thunder, an awesome amount of smoke, and lo and behold, a genie appeared.

"Mornin' boyo," said the genie. "For releasing me from two thousand years of bondage, I'll be grantin' ya three wishes."

"Isn't this grand," said Seamus. "Can I have a pint of Guinness?"

"Sure of course ye can," said the genie. And poof! a pint appeared in Seamus's hand. Seamus starting sipping away at the pint. "For the love o' Jaysus, this has to be the best pint I've ever been tasting."

"Of course it is," said the genie. "I'm an Irish genie, after all, and I do know a bit about pints. Now, let's get on with business. You've got two more wishes left, and I haven't got all day!"

"Now just be bidin' yer time," said Seamus. "I want to enjoy me pint."

"Ah," said the genie. "That's a magic pint."

"And what do ye be meanin' by that?" asked Seamus.

"Well," said the genie, "as soon as it's done, it'll fill right back up again just as good as the first."

"Is that so," said Seamus, finishing off the pint. Sure enough, back up it came, and when he tasted it, it really was every bit as good.

"Now," said the genie, "about those other two wishes?"

"Ah," said Seamus, "I'll have two more o' these!"

Now you may think that Seamus was a bit dim, but the second of the magic pints he offered to Old Michael Finnegan for the hand of his daughter Katie in Marriage, on the condition that on Old Michael's death the magic pint would be willed back to him. The second of the magic pints was sold to Tara McGee, owner of McGee's Steak & Ale under two conditions besides the lavish money he requested. One, he Katie and his family would eat and drink there forever, and two, this magic pint would also be returned to him on Tara's death.

Tara did right by the deal, being able to serve her customers free beer poured from that same pint into glass into glass, the finest in the land at no charge to her.

Finnegan did well, and saw grandchildren much earlier than he thought.

Katie did well, finding herself married to a charming Irishman who had found enough money to put a roof over their heads, keep her pesty father blissfully happy, and guaranteeing them a perpetual food and drink supply.

And Seamus? Having fallen in love with Katie when he was 12, he had found heaven at 21, and with all that, who needs all the riches of the world and all the problems they bring. Eh, boyo?

The Garda, a disagreeable sort, stops a local farmer on a minor infraction and proceeds to berate the poor man this way and that, dressing him down most unfairly. After the lecture, which the farmer takes well, the constable starts writing the poor man up. While he's writing, he keeps swattin' at flies circling his head.

"The circle flies botherin' ya, are they?" says the farmer.

"Why do ya call 'em circle flies, old man?"

"We call 'em that on the farm 'cause we find 'em flying around and around the harses' behinds." says the farmer.

"Are you callin' me a harse's arse?" snarls the Garda.

"Oh saints, no," protests the farmer. "T'wouldn't think of such a thing." And the Garda goes back to writing.

"...kinda hard to fool the flies, though."

Three Brothers

An Irish man walks into a pub. The bartender asks him, "what'll you have?"
The man says, "Give me three pints of Guinness please."

So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they're gone. He then orders three more.

The bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold. You don't have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low I'll bring you a fresh cold one."

The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too, and we're drinking together.
The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition.

Every week the man came in and ordered three beers. Then one week he came in and ordered only two. He drank them and then ordered two more.

The bartender said to him, "I know what your tradition is, and I'd just like to say that I'm sorry that one of your brothers died."

The man said, "Oh, me brothers are fine----I just quit drinking."

While this one is attributed as an Irish/British interchange, methinks I have seen it in other guises, say with the U.S. Coast Guard.

This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation between the
British and the Irish, off the coast of Kerry, Oct 98. Radio conversation
released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-98:

IRISH: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South, to avoid a

BRITISH: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North, to
avoid a collision.

IRISH: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to
the South to avoid a collision.

BRITISH: This is the Captain of a British navy ship. I say again,
divert YOUR course.

IRISH: Negative. I say again, You will have to divert YOUR course.


IRISH: We are a lighthouse. Your call.

Q: Why can't you borrow money from a leprechaun?
A: Because they're always a little short.

One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They each bought a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head. The Englishman pushed his beer away in disgust. The Scotsman fished the fly out of his beer, and continued drinking it, as if nothing had happened. The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer, and started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT!!!!"

A Father Farry, the new Pastor of St. Patrick of the Emerald Isle Parish, moved into town and went out one Saturday to visit his some of his new parishioners. All went well until he came to one house. It was obvious that someone was home, but no one came to the door even after he knocked several times.

Finally, the good father took out his card, wrote on the back "Revelation 3:20" and stuck it in the door.

The next Sunday, as he was counting the offering he found his card in the collection plate.

Below his message was a notation "Genesis 3:10." Upon opening his Bible to the passage he let out a roar of laughter.

Revelation 3:20 reads: (Fr. Farry's note) "Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If any man hear my voice, and opens the door, I will come into him, and will dine with him, and he with me."

Genesis 3:10 reads: "And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked."

Q. What is Irish diplomacy?
A. It's the ability to tell a man to go to hell so that he will look forward to making the trip

Q: Why does it take five Irishmen to change a lightbulb?
A: One to change the bulb; four to remark about how grand the old bulb was.

Q: Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's Day?
A: Regular rocks are too heavy.

Even as late as the 1970's many homes, pubs and restaurants were without refrigerators and so the culture of the milkman lived far longer in large numbers than it did here. Common to both America and Ireland. The milkman became such a familiar part of daily life that sometimes the family forgot that the milkman was not family and sometimes left notes with interesting requests. Often these requests were honored. Which not only built business but good will and community, just as the postal carrier willing to take your mail in to the post office does today.

Here are some notes to the milkman. Some of them may even be true...

"Dear Milkman, I've just had a baby, please leave another one."

"Please leave an extra pint of paralyzed milk."

"Please don't leave any more milk. All they do is drink it"

"Milkman please close the gate behind you because the birds keep pecking the tops off the milk."

"Sorry not to have paid your bill before, but my wife had a baby and I've been carrying it around in my pocket for weeks."

"Sorry about yesterday's note. I didn't mean one egg and a dozen pints, but the other way round."

"When you leave my milk knock on my bedroom window and wake me because I want you 'to give me a hand to turn the mattress."

"My daughter says she wants a milkshake. Do you do it before you deliver or do I have to shake the bottle."

"Please send me a form for cheap milk, for I have a baby two months old and did not know about it until a neighbor told me."

"Milk is needed for the baby. Father is unable to supply it."

"From now on please leave two pints every other day and one pint on the days in between, except Wednesdays and Saturdays when I don't want any milk."

"My back door is open. Please put milk in 'fridge, get money out of cup in drawer and leave change on kitchen table, because we want to play bingo tonight."

"Please leave no milk today. When I say today, I mean tomorrow, for I wrote this note yesterday or is it today?"

"When you come with the milk please put the coal on the boiler, let dog out and put newspaper inside the screen door. PS. Don't leave any milk."

"No milk. Please do not leave milk at No. 14 either as he is dead until further notice."

An Irishman, Englishman and a German are caught in Saudi Arabia drinking. "Under Saudi law you are sentenced to 30 lashes then deported.

Before you begin you are entitled to something on you back, what would you like?" said the prison guard to the Englishman just before lashing him.

The English man, being a bit of a cricket fan, asked for linseed oil. When they lashed him on a post and let him go to catch his flight back to London he groaned and crawled to the airport.

Next came the German. "Under Saudi law you are sentenced to 30 lashes then deported. Before you begin you are entitled to something on you back, what would you like?" said the prison guard

"Nothing" said the German and, after receiving his lashes spat on the ground, called the prison guards Schisers and started off towards the airport.

The guards then came to the Irishman. "Under Saudi law you are sentenced to 30 lashes then deported. Before you begin you are entitled to something on you back, what would you like?"

"Oh", replied the Irishman, "I'll take the German".

A woman followed her husband to the public house. "How can you come here," she said, taking a sip of his pint of Guinness, "and drink this awful stuff?"

"Now!" he cried, "I have you! And you always saying I was out enjoying meself."

Paddy was an inveterate drunkard. The priest met him one day, and gave him a strong lecture about drink.

He said, "If you continue drinking as you do, you'll gradually get smaller and smaller, and eventually you'll turn into a mouse."

This frightened the life out of Paddy. He went home that night, and said to his wife, "Bridget....if you should notice me getting smaller and smaller, will ye kill that blasted cat?"

The local District Judge had given the defendant a lecture on the evils of drink. But in view of the fact that this was the first time the man had been drunk and incapable, the case was dismissed on payment of ten shillings costs.

"Now don't let me ever see your face again," said the Justice sternly as the defendant turned to go.

"I'm afraid I can't promise that, sir," said the released man.

"And why not?"

"Because I'm the barman at your regular pub!"

Now the Irish have a new clinic for those who want to stop smoking. It's called Nicotine Anonymous.

If you get the urge to smoke, you call them and they send a man over and you get drunk together.

Quinlan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.

"S'cuse me," said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done. "What was that all about?"

"Nothing," said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives."

An Irishman was trying to learn golf and having a terrible time of it. "I'd give just about anything to get this right!" he says aloud.

Straight on the Devil appears and says "Anything?"

"Well, short of selling my soul, yes."

"How about giving up sex for the rest of your life?"

"Done and done!" He finishes the game in rare good form and rumor of his deal spreads thru the clubhouse.

One of the members, a reporter, sees a story here and asks him, "Sir, is it true you made a deal with the Devil to become a great golfer?"

"True, enough."

"And you gave up sex as your part of the bargain?"

"True again!"

"And may I have your name, sir?"

"Certainly. Father Mike O'Ryan."

Pat and Mike had been drinking buddies and friends for years.
After having a few drinks in a bar, Mike said to Pat "We have been friends for years and years and if I should die before you do would you do me a favor?
Get the best bottle of Irish whiskey you can find and pour it over my grave."

Pat replied, "I would be glad to do that for you my old friend. But would you mind if I passed it through my bladder first?"

An Australian, an Irishman and an Englishman were sitting in a bar. There was only one other person in the bar; a man.

The three men kept looking over at this other man, for he seemed somewhat familiar.
They stared and stared, wondering where they had seen him before, when suddenly the Irishman cried out, "My God, I know who that man is! It's Jesus!"

The others looked again and, sure enough, it was Jesus himself, sitting alone at a table.

The Irishman call out, "Hey, you!!! Are you Jesus?"

The man looks over at him, smiles a small smile and nods his head.

"Yes, I am Jesus," he replies.

The Irishman calls the bartender over and says to him "I'd like you to give Jesus over there a pint of Guinness from me."

So the bartender pours Jesus a Guinness and takes it over to his table. Jesus looks over, raises his glass to the men, smiles a thank you and drinks up.

The Englishman then calls out, "Errr, excuse me, Sir, but would you be Jesus?"
Jesus smiles and replies, "Yes, I am Jesus."

The Englishman then beckons to the bartender and tells him to send over a pint of Newcastle Brown Ale for Jesus, which the bartender duly does.

As before, Jesus accepts the drink and smiles over at the men.

Then the Australian calls out, "Oi, you! D'ya reckon you're Jesus, or what?"
Jesus nods and says, "Yes, I am Jesus."

The Australian is mightily impressed and has the bartender send over a pot of ice
cold VB for Jesus, which he accepts with pleasure.

Some time later, after finishing the drinks, Jesus rises from his seat and approaches the three men.

He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness.
When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement. "Oh God, the arthritis is gone," he says. "The arthritis I've had for years has disappeared. It's a miracle!"

Jesus then shakes the hand of the Englishman, thanking him for the Newcastle Brown Ale.

Upon letting go, the Englishman's eyes widen in shock. "By Jove", he exclaims," that migraine that's plagued me for over 40 years has vanished completely. It's a miracle!"

Jesus then turns to the Australian whose face shows sheer, unadulterated reflected terror."

"Oi! Bugger off, mate. I'm on the Disability!"

Once upon a time in the kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for seven days.

Eventually, Michael the archangel found him. He inquired of God, "where were you?".

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds; "look son, look what I'm after making".

Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "what is it?" God replied, "it's another planet but I'm after putting LIFE on it. I've named it Earth and there's going to be a balance between everything on it.

For example, there's North America and South America. North America is going to be rich and south America is going to be poor, and the narrow bit joining them - that's going to be a hot spot.

Now look over here. I've put a continent of whites in the north and another one of blacks in the south.

And then the archangel said, "and what's that green dot there?". And God said "ahhh that's the Emerald Isle - that's a very special place. That's going to be the most glorious spot on earth; Beautiful Mountains, lakes, rivers, streams, and an exquisite coast line. These people here are going to be great fun and they're going to be found traveling the world. They'll be playwrights and poets and singers and songwriters. And I'm going to give them this black liquid which they're going to go mad on and for which people will come from the far corners of the earth to imbibe.

Michael the Archangel gasped in wonder and admiration but then seeming startled proclaimed: "Hold on a second, what about the BALANCE, you said there was going to be a balance.

God replied wisely. "Wait until you see the neighbours I'm going to give them"

Q: Why did St. Patrick drive the snakes out of Ireland?
A: He couldn't afford plane fare.

Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend Finney. "Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"

"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Um, where are you calling from?"

"What do you mean where am I calling from?" Gallagher demanded.

"Just give me a hint, boyo, is it up or down?"

Q: Did you hear about the Irish abortion clinic?
A: It has a 12 month waiting list.

A big Texan is walking down the main street of Gort and encounters Goldrick standing on the pavement beside a big strong horse.

This prompts the Texan to attempt to realize a lifelong dream and he says to Goldrick, "Say Boy, that's a fine-lookin horse you got there, and I'd like to tour this beautiful country on horseback so's I can see the sights and hear the sounds of the countryside like they did in the old days. I'll buy that horse off of ya, how much ya want?"

Goldrick says, "O sure and you don't want to be messin with this horse he don't look too good these days."

"Hey, Boy", says the Texan, "Don't you try to tell me what's a good lookin' horse an what isn't."

"I been tradin' horses all my life long and there ain't nothin a young country boy like you can tell me about em. Now you jes name yer price and we'll get along fine."

"I'm sayin' to ye that this horse is not a good lookin horse mister and ye don't want any part of 'im," says Goldrick.

The Texan is getting angry now. "Listen up Boy, he says, you leave me be the judge of what's good lookin and what's not and jes give me the price and I'll pay cash right here and now."

"Oh well", says Goldrick, "$2000.00 US."

"Deal!" says the Texan and he hands over the money, Goldrick unties the horse and the Texan leads him off.

The horse walks smack into the first streetlight in the way, and the Texan turns to Goldrick and says, "Hey, Boy, you a damn swindler, you didn' tell me this here horse was blind!"

"I kept tellin' you he don't look too good", says Goldrick, "and you kept saying that's none of my business, so in the end, I gave up."

A solicitor from Dublin, while hunting in the West, brought down a fowl which landed in a farmer's field. As the lawyer climbed over the wall to retrieve the bird, the elderly owner appeared asking what he was doing. The litigator replied, "I shot that bird y'see lyin there, and now I'm about to pick it up."

The old man answered, "This is my property yer crossin into, and I'm tellin you, yer not coming over."

The indignant attorney said, "I'll have you know that I'm one of the best solicitors in all of Ireland, and if you don't let me retrieve my bird, I'll take ye to court for everything y'own!"

The old farmer looked him over and said, "Well now, being as how you're not from around here, you don't know how we settle things like this. Y'see now, here we use the three-kick method.

"And what would that be?", asked the lawyer. The farmer said, "First I kick you three times and then you do the same to me, and back and forth like that till one or the other gives up."

The attorney thought this over, and quickly decided he could easily take the old codger, and agreed to the local custom. The old farmer walked slowly over to the lawyer. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy boot in the solicitor's groin dropping him to his knees. The second blow nearly wiped the lawyers nose off his face. The attorney was flat on the ground when the farmer's third kick to the kidney almost finished him.

The lawyer dug deep for his every bit of will, dragged himself standing, and said, "Okay you old bugger, now it's my turn. The old farmer just smiled and said, "Naw I believe I'll give up now. You can have the bird."

An Irish priest and a Rabbi get into a car accident. They both get out of their cars and stumble over to the side of the road.

The Rabbi says, "Oy vey! What a wreck!"

The priest asks him, "Are you all right, Rabbi?"

The Rabbi responds, "Just a little shaken."

The priest pulls a flask of whiskey from his coat and says, "Here, drink some of this it will calm your nerves."

The Rabbi takes the flask and drinks it down and says, "Well, what are we going to tell the police?"

"Well," the priest says, "I don't know what your aft' to be tellin' them. But I'll be tellin' them I wasn't the one drinkin'."

An Irishman and an American were sitting in the bar at Shannon Airport.
"I've come to meet my brother," said the Irishman. "He's due to fly in from
America in an hour's time. It's his first trip home in forty years".

"Will you be able to recognize him?" asked the American.

"I'm sure I won't," said the Irishman, "after all, he's been away for a long time".

"I wonder if he'll recognize you?" said the American.

"Of course he will," said the Irishman. "Sure, an' I haven't been away at all".

Brendan Behan, late Irish author, was the soul of courtesy, but there were times when he could give back as good as he got.

Brendan and a friend were emerging from the Long Hall in Dublin during the Christmas season, and Brendan had the misfortune to bump into a lady laden with parcels, the result being to scatter her parcels all over the pavement. Brendan promptly stooped to recover them from among the feet of the passers-by and restore them to her arms, but her ladyship's temper was not satisfied.

"I'd have you know," she declared angrily, "that my husband's a detective, and, if he was here, he'd take ye!"

This was too much for Brendan, who after all had done his best. "Ma'am," said he, "I don't doubt it for a second. If he took you, he'd take anything."

And one of now my favorite Irish Jokes, repeated from last year, with a wee bit o updating.

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.

"Why of course," comes the reply.

The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"

"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.

The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."

"Of Course," replies the second man.

Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?"

"Dublin," comes the reply.

"I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin."

"Of course," replies the second man.

Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?"

"Saint Barnabas," replies the second man. "I graduated in '62."

"This is unbelievable!" the first man says. "I went to Saint Barnabas and I graduated in '62, too!"

About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?" he asks the bartender.

"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."

I hope you enjoyed these, as I wade though a mountain of unopened e-mail, I may find some more little gems for you.

In the mean time, Happy St. Patrick's Day and may the wind be always at your back, and never in your nostrils!

Peter O'Files


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Blogger The Peter Files Blog of Comedy said...

Thanks for Katie Price fans for checking my blog out. Tell your friends, wake the neighbors, The Peter Files blog is the place for you!

Feel free to click around for the almost invisible envelope to mail this post to uour friends and others.

3/12/2006 4:55 PM  
Blogger Radio op said...

Most of them made me laugh pretty good no better than that top noch sport; am awaiting the next lot but.

3/17/2006 4:42 AM  
Anonymous Lady Penelope said...

Thanks for the tag, and great post! lord, how long it take you to do all that? Hilarious!

Happy St. Patrick's day, Peter. And as for sinful ideas, ah well, you can't much stop those, can you?

3/18/2006 12:48 AM  
Blogger Radio op said...

Thanks for looking at my site or sites I should say.
One thing intrigues me is how you got that quick time pluggin on your post and got the song to play
I like your site myself

3/18/2006 3:59 AM  
Blogger The Peter Files Blog of Comedy said...

Lady P.,

Some thinks take hours, others a whole lifetime to learn how to do.

In this case, given the generousity of friends, family and others in sending me email after last year's venture, the hardest part was editing.

Grammar, spelling, typos, and both my Grammars died years ago! Still, I got it done, though I bet a few slipped through.

Thanks for the comment.


3/21/2006 5:42 PM  

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