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Tuesday, February 21, 2006

Things People Said: Humor & Jokes

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While stumbling around the internet I found the Things People Said website. It's lots of fun, with jokes grouped by category.

One of my favorite categories is:

Things People Said: Kid Quotes

Here are a few samples from this category to encourage you to go to the website.

Quick Quotations:

  • "I'm being haive!" -- 2 year old son, when his mother told him told to behave

  • "I'm not an oxymoron!" -- 7 year old

  • "TNT." -- Given as an answer for a written spelling bee, when the teacher called the word "dynamite."

  • "I'm glad I'm finally eight. This is the oldest I've ever been in my entire life!" -- 8 year old son.

  • "I had to read and write six book reports." -- Girl, in an email to her friend, attempting to explain what she had to do over the summer. She later tried sending a correction, which read, "I had to read and write six books."

  • "Oh, well Mom said all I had to use was the sponge and dish detergent." -- 12 year old daughter, when her father told her he used elbow grease to get the dishes clean

  • "Do they look after the Pokemon?" -- City kid, when asked what a gamekeeper does.

  • "Why don't you get some expensive money?" -- 3 year old daughter, when told by her mother that she could get a small toy but that the ones asked for were too expensive

  • "I have a rock in my nose." -- 2 year old son, greeting his mother after preschool, a full hour after recess was over.

  • "There's no one in there." -- 6 year old son, in response to seeing his father hanging pictures and tapping on the walls to find the support beams.

  • "Quiet!" -- 4 year old, when asked what begins with 'M' and sounds good.

  • "If I was a raccoon I would eat the farmer's corpse." -- A kindergartener, writing a story about what we would do if he were a raccoon

  • "Well, sometimes I say something mean to my brother, but I feel really good inside. Does that mean I'm a hypocrite?" -- 7 year old girl, after a Sunday School teacher explained that a hypocrite was someone who says one thing but feels something else.

  • "Daddy, did your hair slip?" -- 3 year old son, to his bald but long bearded father

  • "Daddy picked them up and looked underneath. I think it's printed on the bottom." -- 3 year old son, when his mother asked how his father knew the genders of four new baby kittens

  • "How will that help?" -- Kindergarten student, when the class was instructed to hold up two fingers if any of them had to go to the bathroom.

Kid Stories:

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat, one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."


A father was reading Bible stories to his young son. He read, "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to salt." His son asked, "What happened to the flea?"


When we were trick or treating in my neighborhood, my three year old cousin came along. When we walked down the side of the street, and whenever he saw a stop sign, he made us all stop in front of it, look both ways, then continue on.


In my Sunday School class, we discussed what we would give up for Lent. One eight year old girl said she'd give up homework. I replied that the idea was to give up something she liked. She said, "But I like homework!" A seven year old boy, in the same class, said he'd give up fighting with his brother. I asked if he could give it up for so long. He said, "Well, it's only until next week, so that's ok."


I told my boys, aged 9 and 6, that I wanted to stop and get some hair coloring. My 6 year old asked what color I was getting and why. I told him that it was just to cover my gray and left it at that. They were like kids in a candy store, searching for the "perfect" color. We agreed on one, bought it, and left. That weekend, at church, a lady said she really liked the color of my hair. My 9 year old beamed and said, "Thanks, I picked it out!"


A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he was coming down the aisle he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd (alternating between bride's side and groom's side), put his hands up like claws, and roar. Step, step, ROAR, step step, ROAR, all the way down the aisle. The crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit. The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing and was almost crying by the time he reached the pulpit. When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, "I was being the Ring Bear."


The website covers a lot of other areas as well, which makes it well worth your visit:

Slips and Gaffes

Questions, Suggestions, and Complaints

Things Kids Say

Stupidity

Famous People

  • Yogi Berra -- Verbal blunders from one of baseball's legends.
  • Samuel Goldwyn -- Verbal blunders from the famous movie mogul.
  • Eugene Ormandy -- Verbal blunders from the famous orchestra conductor.
  • Murray Walker -- Verbal blunders from the famous motor racing commentator.
  • Dan Quayle -- Verbal blunders from a notorious former Vice President.
  • Other Famous People -- Verbal blunders from an assortment of other celebrities and political figures. [New!]
So take a minute to drop on by for some really good laughs, the Courtroom Quotations section is particularly funny.

Peter

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