How To Give a Cat a Pill

Once again thanks to the merry friends who send me e-mail, this one comes from a cat owner with lots of experience. But she assures me this has never happened to her. Right. I believe you. Really I do. The fact that I have seen your cat straddle both sides of a bathtub to keep from going in and still manage to leap out again says nothing about his agility to perform the feats described here.

HOW TO GIVE YOUR CAT A PILL

1. Grasp cat firmly in your arms. Cradle its head on your elbow, just as if you were giving a baby a bottle. Coo confidently, 'That's a nice kitty.' Drop the pill in its mouth.

2. Retrieve cat from top of lamp & pill from under futon.

3. Follow same proceedure as in 1, but hold cat's front paws down with left hand & back paws down with elbow of right arm. Poke pill into its mouth with right forefinger.

4. Retrieve cat from under bed. Get new pill from bottle. Bandage forefinger. (resist impulse to get new cat.)

5. Again proceed as in 1, except when you have cat firmly cradled in bottle-feeding position, sit on edge of chair, fold your torso over cat, bring your right hand over your left elbow, open cat's mouth by lifting the upper jaw & pop pill in - quickly! Since your head is down by your knees, you won't be able to see what you are doing. That's just as well.

6. Leave cat hanging on drapes. Leave pill in your hair.

7. If you are a woman, have a good cry. If you are a man, have a good cry.

8. Now pull yourself together. Who's the boss here anyway? Retrieve cat & pill. Assuming position 1, say sternly, 'Who's the the boss here anyway?' Open cat's mouth, take pill & ....Oooops! Remember not to do this near the litter box next time as you brush yourself off.

9. This isn't working, is it? Collapse & think. Aha! Those flashing claws are causing the chaos.

10. Crawl to the linen closet. Drag back a large beach towl. Spread towel on floor.

11. Retrieve cat from kitchen counter & pill from potted plant.

12. Spread cat on towel near one end with its head over long edge.

13. Flatten cat's front & back legs over its stomach. (resist impulse to flatten cat.)

14. Roll cat in towel. Work fast; time & tabbies wait for no man - or woman!

15. Resume position 1. Rotate your left hand to cat's head. Press its mouth at the jaw hinges like opening the petals of a snapdragon.

16. Drop pill into cat's mouth & poke gently. Voila! It's done!

17. Vacuum up loose fur (cat's). Apply bandages to new wounds (yours). Try to ignore the fact that cat is looking at you as if nothing has happened and that something is wrong with you for having te half crazed look on your face, surely a cat is too refined and noble ever to drool like that for any reason.

18. Take two asprins & lie down. Consider the virtues of virtual pets and robotic ones, and the good that donating your cat would do to the longevity of a senior citizen such as your mother.

19. Immediately become plagued with guilt, especially if you are truly expert at it, ie., Catholic or Jewish, or in some cases, a cat-lover, even after a nightmare such as this, and decide to keep the treacherous fur ball for at least another week, or until Amvets calls looking for donations.

20. Smile knowing that the ASPCA cannot fault you for fitting yourself in one of those boxes on your doorstep for AMVETS to pick up as long as you call them first and leave the keys under the mat for them behind and enough money to pay for room and board for kitty's natural life.


Peter

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