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Tuesday, October 18, 2005

Want $25 Chicago White Sox World Series Tickets?

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Anonymous local lottery winner announces large block of World Series tickets to be sold for $25 apiece, limit two per person, per night, no exceptions, for White Sox home games at U.S. Cellular Field only.


Preference given to those bringing a child under the age of 15.

Eligibility requirements:

1) Must be able to produce ticket stubs for 1 person at 15 games in at least 10 different years in at least 5 different sections.

2) Season ticket holders not eligible because they have tickets already.

3) Must be able to name at least 5 members of the current White Sox lineup when claiming tickets.

4) Must be able to name at least 5 players from the years 1959 - 1990 who are not now part of team management when claiming tickets.

5) Cribsheets will not be allowed.

6) Must be able to produce identification proving residence. Must be a resident of the State of Illinois. 75% of tickets will be reserved for residents of the City of Chicago who live South of Madison Street, 15% for City of Chicago residents who live North of Madison Street. 9.95% are reserved for those who live in other parts of the 6 county area and .05% for NW Indiana.

7) 12 Tickets for "hot babes" will be held beneath the "Hot Babes Here" sign at the NE corner of the park. These lucky girls will be invited to join the donor in his luxury skybox for the game and an after party on each night of the series. If the sign is not present, this promotion has ended early due to participant enthusiasm. Non-random selection is entirely at the discretion of the donor.

8) Known ticket scalpers who attempt to apply may be given tickets with a hidden explosive ink packet that will explode three hours before game time, hopefully while they are in or near the presence of the police. If possible a wedgie will be administered as they leave.

9) Qualified members of the Red-headed League will be allotted 2 tickets, provided that certain conditions are met. If tickets are not claimed within 12 hours before game time, using the secret password and handshake, same will be turned over to the Baskerville foundation for significant use.

10) Employees, family members, bookies and health practitioners of all teams, leagues, networks, syndicates, groups, nationalities, programs, pogroms, pomegranate, peninsulas, involved or not involved in the production of baseball of any kind are ineligible for participation in this program at any time.

11) Participants must be gullible enough to believe that the Sox could have won the Pennant in any of the 45 seasons prior to this, and that this offer is legitimate, and that applications will be taken in person only at the foundation offices at 1060 West Addison, Chicago, Illinois, 60613. Once tickets are gone, no other acknowledgement of the program will be made, either fictional or non-fictional of any kind. Staff will disavow any knowledge of this offer once tickets are fully distributed.

12) All applicants must wear a yellow piece of paper approximately 3" x 4" with a hand drawn image of a sock on it somewhere on their person when applying. The name SOX must be spelled correctly on the sock. Extra credit is not given for realism, cubism, existentialism, or Dadaism. However Na-Na-ism is encouraged at all games, especially when the other team makes a big boo-boo or has to call in a relief pitcher.

13) Residents of Bridgeport are given no special advantage in this promotion but the secret tunnel entrance into the secret seats will be open at the usual time. As usual, the password is "Ritchie is our Pal!" and the donor is sponsoring free beer and pizza for the first three innings.

14) No one with a threatening sounding nickname need apply.

15) Those in any form of direct or indirect contact with persons seeing versions of this notice that have ever been transmitted or posted on the internet are disqualified for all time. The same software that allows Bill Gates to monitor who has forwarded his emails and rewards them with cash for doing so as part of a technology experiment knows that you have seen this notice and are now ineligible to apply for the tickets. It has been now modified so that it works with paper copies as well via new Amishlabs Papertrack, the new way to keep track of your papers.



Peter

Copyright 2005 by The Peter Files Blog, All Rights Reserved

Just in case you still have not stumbled to it: this post is a joke and has been provided for humor value only by the Peter Files Blog. Nothing in this notice should be taken to suggest that any tickets for the World Series are actually available, especially at the price noted above. This is a blog of comedy, commentary and satire. If you got the joke before now, the above was comedy. If not, it was satire. If you just got it now, then consider it a commentary on the long history of your pain as a Chicago White Sox Fan and avoid email from Nigerian Officials who need help releasing money. Publication of this message for commercial purposes is expressly prohibited by the commissioner of Laughter. News Media may quote it in its entirety as long as they report the web address of The Peter Files Blog which is always safe for work.

Http://ThePeterfiles.blogspot.com
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2 Comments:

Blogger The Peter Files Blog of Comedy said...

The use of steroids to complete this message was not required. Comments are welcome. Obscenities will be deleted and forwarded to your mother, sister, last known nun or other religious figure, and or Santa if possible. The Peter Files blog is a family blog and gets its name from the fact that its author is named Peter. Other inferences will be ejected from the ball park and should inquire with St. Peter at the pearly gate who had the name first, get it?

Those offended by jokes reffering to President Bush in these pages should simply insert the name of another President instead to make them funnier, for example, Bush, Reagan, Hoover, you get the idea. Yes, there may even be a few who may go so far as to insert the name Clinton, that can't be helped now, can it?

Major League Baseball has nothing whatever to do with this page. You are strongly encouraged to watch the World Series and buy lots of their stuff to make up for this harrassment.

There is a handy search box at the top of this page to help you start.

The Peter Files Blog is NOT responsible for the content of the automatic ads supplied on the sidebar of this blog which may at times refer to ticket sales. Those are supplied by another service and this blog has no responsibility for them.

Peter

10/19/2005 4:11 PM  
Blogger Levois said...

Mr. Peter, I did indeed saw this little jewel. I had to really read this one before I figured out that this was a joke. But I would hae gladly attempted to get in on this action to get some World Series tickets. lol

10/20/2005 6:56 PM  

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