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Sunday, August 14, 2005

How to Freak People Out in Your Spare Time

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Note: The Peter Files passes along these suggestions for their humor value alone. Anyone actually implementing these suggestiongs does so at their own risks, is an idiot, and indemnifies this blog and any participants from any harms, torts, damages they may cause or incur as a result of doing anything implied in this humorous, satiric post. Anyone attempting to prove elsewise in court or any other place does so with the proviso that The Peter Files or their representatives may come to their door at any time and place them in a bag with a tiger, lion or other animal in punishment for their anti-darwinesque foolishness.

How to Freak People Out in Your Spare Time

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses On and Point Your
Hair Dryer At Passing Cars.


See If They Slow Down.


2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice. After no response, demand your presence at the intercom in increasingly strident terms. Then repeatedly page a dead corporate founder or co-worker saying that a dead U.S. President is calling for him or her. Nixon is always a good choice here.


3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries With That.



4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In "Box""



5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once everyone has gotten over

their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso or better, undiluted Cuban Coffee, if available.


6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For Smuggling Diamonds"



7. Finish All Your Sentences With "In Accordance With The Prophecy."

8. dont use any punctuation at all long and really technical reports supposedly written by a co-worker the key which is to make it very difficult to review are people going to be able to tell when one sentance begins and another sentance complex and compelling as it may be the average person not use to convoluted and involuted structures to discriminate the parts of speech easy to discern when talking without the cues obivous in oral conversation no damn it no i say this is why any english teacher particularly and especially those raised on britannicas shores are now afflicted with outrage and pain particularly in the tummy area as this puntification may be most distressing and the cause of sleeplessness anxiety and girdles are an effective remedy for that extra few inches are they not which help their ladies come to fine events


9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.


10. Order A Diet Water Whenever You Go Out To Eat.



11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."


12. Sing Along At The Opera.



13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme


14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area and Play Tropical Sounds All Day, once in awhile add a little spice by playing the Theme Song from Johnny Quest.


Press Play to Hear The Theme Song from Johnny Quest


15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You're Not In The Mood.


16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, "The Big Purple Thingy", which you say is a reference to your oft bruised schnozzola, but it's not.



17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won! I Won! Now I Can Afford A Colostomy Bag! I Won!!!!!!"



18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking Lot, Yelling
"Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!! They're Loose!!! Oh, God!! I Want My Mommy!!!"



19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To
Have To Let One Of You Go. Be ready for a potty training exam and room inspection 30 minutes after dinner."


20. Be really lazy at work, make a lot of mistakes, and when you are called on it by your boss, admit that you are actually, your twin brother Abner who is covering for yourself because you were out of sick for the last 4 days due to an emergency appendectomy and did not want to get fired. Then tell him that you were doing pretty well until you were wheeled into surgery and went into a coma, because now you have no one to answer your questions about what your cousin did at work.


Beg your boss not to fire your twin (you) because now that you have had this surgery, because of the job's lousy health benefits you will be tied to your stupid job for at least another 3 years just to get out from under the medical bills, assuming you do. In the mean time, you beg to be able to continue to do continue your cousin's job and be considered for a job on the late shift.




21. And The Final Way To Freak People Out in Your Spare Time.......

While standing in the elevator keep your eyes on the numbers going up and down and mutter, "God, please don't have this one crash again today, please, not today, yesterday was bad enough, please not today..." over and over again. This is particularly effective in really tall office buildings, and the effect can be, er, heightened with the pre-application of a neck brace and other bandages.


Of course, who's got time for this kind of nonsense, anyway? Not when a big square of Saran Wrap can be neatly fitted over a toilet seat in less than 30 seconds.

Let's wrap this file,

Peter
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