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Saturday, June 07, 2008

Nursery Rhymes for Modern Times


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And now it's time for some nursery rhymes dressed up for today. These were forwarded by my friend TB and made SFW by me. I have also added a few. In some cases you can guess where I made the poem SFW, its pretty obvious.

Mary had a little pig,
She kept it fat and plastered;
And when the price of pork went up,
She shot the little ..... pig.
Mary had a little lamb.
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
Between two chunks of bread.
Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the pie man,
'What have you got there?'
Said the pie man unto Simon,
'Pies, what are you, simple or something?'
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To have a little fun.
Stupid Jill forgot the pill
And now they have a son.
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings' horses,
And all the kings' men.
Had scrambled eggs,
For breakfast again.
Old King Coal was a Merry Old Soul
And A Merry Old Soul was He
He called for His Pipe
And He called for His Bowl
And He called for his Doctors Three
Who Told him he had inoperable cancer
So He left town with the Princess from the next kingdom over
And they lived to a Merry old age
But with a suddenly empty treasury
His entire kingdom starved to death that winter.
Hey diddle, diddle, the cat took a piddle,
All over the bedside clock.
The little dog laughed to see such fun.
Then died of electric shock.
Georgie Porgy pudding and pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
And when the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too 'cause he was gay.
There was a little girl who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good, she was very, very good.
But when she was bad........
She got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo, and a sports car.
Jack was nimble, Jack had luck, until he skitched under the panel truck,
ready to go, his shoes his skies, upon the snow, slid like the breeze,
but then one day, Jack made his mark, when the panel truck, in the dark
happened to roll, while Jack briefly hovered, over that open, manhole cover.

Jack was nimble, Jack was rash, but nothing could stop him, from that 14 foot splash.
Little Boy Blue, you ate some lead, now you're funny in your head
all it took were little paint chips, to make your neurons do crazy flips.
Mary, Mary, you're quite scary
dressed now all in black
We hear you're doing time now
cause they caught you doing crack.
Hot cross buns, hot cross buns
$20, $30, $40, $50
Hot Cross Buns....
Mary had a little lamb,
a little pork, a little ham,
a little cake, a little pie,
Then went on NBC's The Biggest Loser and Won,
Me, oh my!
Lindsay Lohan's Falling Down, Falling Down, Falling down,
Lindsay Lohan's Falling Down, My bare Lady.
Take her keys, suggest rehab, suggest rehab, get her a wrap,
Take her keys, suggest rehab, and no more Paris Hilton.
Three Blind Branches, Three Blind Branches,
They don't seem to work, They're all filled with jerks
The last two elections were very sad
now we have a chance to redress what's bad
But will we vote, but will we vote?

Well those are my nursery rhymes for the 2008's you can guess maybe which ones are mine completely and which ones are older.

Anyway, hope you like them. Send them to your friends if you do. We can use the visitors.

Peter, Chief Editor and Music Director/Lyricist
The Peter Files Blog of Comedy, Jokes, Satire, Commentary and Videos

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