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Monday, May 29, 2006

Blonde Jokes - Had to Get to Them Sometime

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I have a close friend, who is blonde, who loves blonde jokes. I got these in email recently and thought I'd share them with you. If you are offended by blonde jokes, use search/replace on your favorite text editor before you read these! Anyway, these jokes are for her!


Blonde Woodland Tracking Lesson

Two blondes were walking through the woods and they came to some tracks.

The first blonde said, "These look like moose tracks",

and the second one said "No, they look like deer tracks".

They continued arguing until the train hit them.



Twenty-two

A State Police officer pulls over a car with a young blonde driver in it....

Cop : "Miss, the speed limit on this highway is 65 MPH, why are you going so slowly?"

Blonde : "Officer, I saw a lot of signs saying 22, not 65."

Cop : "Oh... miss, that's not the speed limit, that's the name of the highway you're on!"

Blonde : "Oh! Stupid me! Thanks for letting me know, Ill be more careful from now on."

At this point the cop looks into the back seat of the car, where the passengers are shaking and are white as ghosts.

Cop : "Excuse me miss, what's wrong with your friends back there? They're shaking something awful."

Blonde : "Oh... We just got off of highway 119".



You've Got Mail

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female neighbour came out of the house and went straight to the mail box. She opened it closed it and went back into the house with a confused look on her face. A while later she came out of the house again and walked to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back in the house. A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, 'Is something wrong?'

To which she replied, 'There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps saying, 'YOU'VE GOT MAIL'!


Flight Lessons

A blonde went to a flight school insisting that she wanted to learn to fly. As all the planes were currently in use, so the owner reluctantly agreed to instruct her by radio on how to pilot the solo helicopter. He took her out, showed her how to start it and gave her the basics, and sent her on her way.

After she climbed 500 feet, she radioed in. "I'm doing great! I love it! The view is so beautiful, and I'm starting to get the hang of this."

After 1000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was to fly.

The instructor watched her climb to over 2000 feet, and was beginning to worry that she hadn't radioed in. A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about half a mile away. He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage.

When he asked what happened, she said, "I don't know! Everything was going fine, but as I got higher, I was starting to get cold. I can barely remember anything after I turned off the big fan!"



Blonde FAQ


Q: Why are there so few blonde pharmacists?
A: They have a hard time getting the pill bottles into the typewriter!

Q: Why did the a blonde only change her baby's diapers every month?
A: Because it says on the box: "good for up to 20 pounds."

Q: What is every blonde's ambition in life?
A: To be like Vanna White and learn the alphabet.

Q: What is the blonde doing when she holds her hands tightly over her ears?
A: Trying to hold on to a thought.

Q: Why did it take the blonde 20 minutes to make orange juice?
A: Because she read the label and it said "Concentrate".

Q: Why can't blondes make ice cubes?
A: They always forget the recipe.

Q: Why do blondes have see-through lunch box lids?
A: So that when they're on the train they can tell if they're going to work or coming home.

Q: Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?
A: Because that's where you're supposed to wash vegetables.

Q: What do you do if a blonde throws a hand grenade at you?
A: You pick it up, pull the pin & throw it back.

Q: What happened to the blonde tap dancer?
A: She slipped off it, knocked her head on the faucett, and fell down the drain.

Q: Why don't blonds play frisbee?
A: It hurts their teeth.

Q: How do blonde braincells die ?
A: Alone.

Q: How did the blonde try to kill the fish?
A: She tried to drown it.

Q: Why are dumb blonde jokes so short?
A: So men & brunettes can remember them.


Fifty-one!

One night there are 10 blondes celebrating at a bar. They are all really drunk. Every few minutes they all yell "Fifty-one!! Fifty-one!!" then clink their glasses and knock back another drink.

The bartender is curious but decides not to ask because they are drunk. Well they keep yelling it again and again and again. Eventually the bartender gets really frustrated because they've broken 10 glasses and other patrons are becoming annoyed at all the noise.

He goes over to ask them what's going on. One of the blondes holds up a Barney jig-saw puzzle and says,

"Well everyone thinks that we are dumb blondes, so we proved everyone wrong." she explains "On the box it says 2-4 years and we finished it in 51 days!"


Hope you enjoyed these. Our purpose here is to entertain, not to offend, so remember my advice above. Search replace is a wonderful thing when the joke you read has a little sting.



Peter
, Who still has traces of blonde in his hair.


Don't forget to tell your friends and family about the The Peter Files Blog of Comedy.

Just use the little envelope to forward your favorite jokes to your friend family and co-workers. You'll be glad you did. We're Safe for Home and Work - no naughty bits!

Peter, Chief Editor and Spell Wrecker
The Peter Files Blog of Comedy, Satire and Commentary

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