The Peter Files Blog of Comedy, Satire, Jokes, Parody, Commentary, and Videos

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2011-08-08T13:19:00.001-05:00

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HELP !!!!!!!!!!!!!! Peter Foote

2011-08-05T04:43:00.001-05:00

I'm writing this with tears in my eyes,Sorry i did not inform you about our trip,I and my family came down here to London, United Kingdom for a short vacation unfortunately we were mugged at the park of the hotel where we stayed,all cash,credit card and cell were all stolen from us but luckily for us we still have our passports with us.

I've been to the embassy and the Police station here but they're not helping issues at all and our flight leaves in few hrs from now but I'm having problems settling the hotel bills and the hotel manager won't let us leave until i settle the bills..I am so confused right now and thank God nobody was injured because we complied immediately.

We are freaked out i really need your urgent help.

Best regards,

Peter

Palin's Revere Gate

2011-06-20T13:42:00.002-05:00

Just about everyone has heard about Sarah Palin's revisionist telling of Paul Revere's famous ride where she managed to get a few of the easiest and most memorable details of American Revolutionary History wrong and then tried to weasel her way out of it rather than just admit her mistake and move on.

So Paul wasn't riding to warn the British that the Americans knew they were coming, riding his horse, ringing his bell and shooting his gun as Palin claimed. Politicians say all kinds of crazy things. Where's the harm here?

Well, the first problem is that it makes her look ridiculous as everyone knows that Paul was out advertising his Silver shop's midnight madness sale when a light from the old church tower fell onto his hat and created the idea for the world's first fire sale!

The British are coming! The British are coming! Here your Revereware before it's gone, gone, gone! He shouted! Following the old trade route from Lexington to Concord Paul managed to scare up quite a crowd too who happened to be on hand for his free musketball promotion.

One free musketball if by land, two free musketballs if by sea, was enough to get quite a few men out for the Colonies' first blue light sale! Patriot and Hero of Capitalism, no wonder Revere is so Revered by Republicans!

What's that you say? That's closer but it's not how it happened? I'm sorry. Come to think of it I might have filled in a few details on my own. Better check a history book or wiki... Oh, never mind. Good thing I'm not running for president.

Well, at least I admitted my mistake right away just like Sarah Palin did.

What's that? She didn't? She tried to fool all of the people on one of the most basic and well known stories of American History?

How cute? Isn't that precious? She's decided the key to victory is to appear to be as smart as media darlings Paris and Lindsey. All she has to do now is leak her sex tape. What? Say it isn't so.

Whew. It isn't so. Joe Weiner, a Democrat came close enough to that.

So what bothers me about the story is not that she got such basic facts wrong. Facts my 8 year old knew better. What bothers me is she lied about it and tried to get away with it.

We generally hold Presidents to a higher standard. We at least expect them to know which fights are worth fighting and when it is better to admit a mistake and try to move on. This was clearly the only smart way to handle Revere gate yet neither Palin or any of her advisors were smart enough to figure that out in time to avoid severe damage to the credibility of her candidacy. The credibility loss came not so much from making the mistake, but from having no one who was willing to admit the mistake.

I know the version of history listed here is not correct. It's meant to entertain not inform. But our President should never be our Jester, we have VP's for that.

I try to admit my errors and Presidents should too, at least to the degree the job allows. Sure, we all acknowledge that sometimes, for good reasons, Presidents lie. What most of us don't want are Presidents who are so I'll educated that they feel that they have to lie habitually just to keep up. That kind of person just doesn't merit the job and the job should go to someone better qualified.

I'm capable of factual and historical mistakes. That's a given when you write comedy. But I am not a candidate for President and in times like these when candidates want the workers to tighten their belts and improve their performance they better be prepared to do the same darn thing themselves.

If candidates expouse better performance from teachers, then their own spelling, history and math should darn well be up to snuff. Or they'll get a math lesson in 2012 at the polls.

Nb: Errors made in this post are mine. Sorry. I'll try to do better next time.

Peter, Chief Editor and Spelling Wrecker The Peter Files Blog of Comedy, Jokes, Satire, Commentary and Videos Http://ThePeterFiles.blogspot.com

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Peter's Files Blog of Comedy Reaches 100,000 Pages Viewed

2011-03-04T03:05:00.000-06:00

The Peter Files Blog of Comedy has reached 100,000 pages read! Thanks to you for being part of our audience! With almost 75,000 visitors since this blog started in February in 2005 I hope that's a lot of laughs! :-)

The pages over time varied from one post to many as I adjusted the format of this blog. I hope that you will take time to look through the archives to see some of the jokes and original and non-original humor here as well as some interesting websites we have covered in the past.

As for today's joke: What time does a dentist love?

Tooth-Hurty!

Thanks for reading!

Peter, Chief Editor and Spelling Wrecker The Peter Files Blog of Comedy, Jokes, Satire, Commentary and Videos Http://ThePeterFiles.blogspot.com

Iowa House Has Declared February 26th Bacon Day

2011-02-26T16:14:00.001-06:00

The Iowa State House has declared February 26th Bacon day! Why not? I. These troubled times, I say, if you've got it flaunt it and apparently Iowa sells more Pork than any other State in the U.S.A..

Now I know I could make a lot of jokes about Iowa's pork bellies, or Iowa being the source of all the pork that flows out of D.C., but that wouldn't be fair. Producing food is a good thing and a hard thing and so I say Bravo. Besides, I've always sorta liked Iowa ever since being in that play, you know, that one musical of Americana that celebrates all that is good about small town America and is set in River City Ioway. That's right, Meredith Wilson's The Music Man.

In the spirit of the play I've written a little musical number that could be used to promote Iowa Bacon Day or Iowa's love of Pork. Here it is:

Oh, there's nothing half-way about the Iowa way to feed you if we feed you which we may not do at all!

There's an Iowa kind, a bacon, pork shoulder attitude we've never been without that we recall.

We can be cold to someone hawking all-beef products at a ball game, but then warm to his pork hot dogs even fried.

But what the heck, try spare ribs, try pork loin or pork sausage, even though you're vegan it can't hurt to add some fried, you really ought to give Iowa, home of pork Iowa: pigs feet, spare ribs, browned ham steak, Italian sausage, baby back ribs, pork sausage, bacon, pig tails! You ought to give Iowa pork a try!

So, what do you think? Another American classic? Maybe I can send my kid to college on the residuals? I know, I'll have to split it with Meredith Wilson's estate for the music, but still, a few pennies? I need a grass roots campaign so call your Iowa legislator today! :-)

Copyright 2011 by Peter's Blog of Comedyhttp://thepeterfiles.blogspot.com

Peter, Chief Editor and Spelling Wrecker The Peter Files Blog of Comedy, Jokes, Satire, Commentary and Videos Http://ThePeterFiles.blogspot.com

Gift Idea: Award Winning: The Pied Piper of South Shore, Toys and Tragedy in Chcago, Caryn Amster

2010-12-18T01:57:00.000-06:00

I wrote in an earlier post about Caryn Lazar Amster's amazing true crime book The Pied Piper of South Shore: Toys and Tragedy in Chicago.

I could go on and on how wonderful this important and nail-biting book is, winner of a true crime award. I could tell you how important a historical work it is documenting Ms. Lazar's personal tragedy, and the tragedy of the impact of the crime on the surrounding business community where my Grandfather owned a Real Estate Office At the time of the murder.

I could tell you about what happened after I wrote the Original Post, meeting her with my father and brother, talking to her about shopping at their store and their customer Mandy Patinkin who I had always thought was familiar since being a fan of Sunday in The Park With George.

I could tell you about the book's incredible value as a primary source for those studying merchandising, the history of the City of Chicago,the history of Chicago's neighborhoods, or anything to do with the movement of people and race in the 1930's through the 1960's.

But instead I'll just be brief and tell young buy one of the most surprising true dramatic stories by an Author you never heard of you are likely to find. A tale told in a clear, taut well researched way without hyperbole or hysterics.

Amster manages to tell the story of this tragedy without making it into something it
was not, while seeing the damage caused by a cascading series of circumstances for what it was. A tragedy in an era of tragedies that helped shaped the hard times that followed.

I will also say that what I told her the day we met. We moved to a new neighborhood the previous August. Had we not, because of the proximity of the date of the murder with the birthday of one of the kids in my family, we all could have been in the store when that gunman walked in. I know what my brother 9 and I 10 would have done. We'd been playing Batman and Robin for years. We would have rushed him without thinking twice just like we rushed the bad guy cowboys every summer at the amusement park in Eagle River getting us and who knows who else killed in the process.

But we moved and so didn't get the birthday card for a free toy at Wee Toys for that birthday. So, I guess I do find this story pretty personally interesting. Nut you won't need
that to enjoy this book. Besides, I can't help thinking it's natural forth big screen.

Oh, Amazon.com carries it. You can click the link in the book title above or enter the title in the Amazon search box on your right.

Peter, Chief Editor and Spelling Wrecker The Peter Files Blog of Comedy, Jokes, Satire, Commentary and Videos Http://ThePeterFiles.blogspot.com

2010-12-05T02:19:00.001-06:00

If you are a regular to this blog you have probably noticed that I haven't been updating it for awhile. What the heck was wrong with me you might think?

I can spell that out in two words rotator cuff followed by two words even more horrifying to those in the know: 2" complete tear! I have it on good authority that if comedy based on pain is funny, this should be about the funniest post I'll ever write. Because the period I was dealing with my rotator cuff injury completely stopped me cold for six months.

Not only did the surgery not make the pain better, at first it was much, much worse. That at first was about two months. Six months later and after 4 months of intense physical therapy I finally had most of the movement in my right arm back.

I tried to get back to posting regularly but in the mean time I discovered Facebook and I discovered that I did what many of us volunteer bloggers did: I turned to Facebook for most of my creative stuff. Sorry about that. I was not alone; a recent news report showed that the nature of blogging has changed and amateurs like us are leaving. Well heck with that! Reason enough for me to come back! Or try to but that's now. Back then even finding a way to tie my posts to my account so they would get published where my Facebook friends could see it too I held back from going regular here again.

I think it was because I just wasn't feeling that funny for awhile. I had some personal issues that reconnecting with my college friends helped me to deal with. Some very sad heartbreaking stuff. The kind of thing that if you have it, you have to deal with it and it's pretty hard to be funny while doing so. So I guess that's part of it too.

Anyway to my delight this blog is nearly at 100,000 page views and that's a good reason to celebrate! So I'm going to try to post regularly again and I hope you will come back if you were a regular reader before.

In the mean time this blog will continue to be a safe, clean and funny place to come to! Now if my left shoulder wasn't bothering me so much....

Peter, Chief Editor and Spelling Wrecker The Peter Files Blog of Comedy, Jokes, Satire, Commentary and Videos Http://ThePeterFiles.blogspot.com

Glenn Beck Attacks Peter Files Comedy Blog Maker in Unbelievable Video

2010-03-11T17:53:00.001-06:00

Hard as it is to believe, the Peter Files Blog of Comedy has been, according to the video below, attacked and singled out on a variety of wild charges that we can't even believe he believes are true so are not going to dignify them with a response.

However, if Beck comes after someone as silly as us you might well ask, could you be next? Click on the link here to come back to the blog if this has been mailed to you, then click on the video link below.

What an outrageous video! You can see why we couldn't let it go by without comment.

Peter, Chief Editor and Spelling Wrecker
The Peter Files Blog of Comedy, Jokes, Satire, Commentary and Videos
Http://ThePeterFiles.blogspot.com

Don't Miss the Gaelic Park Players Production of The Patrick Pearse Motel by Hugh Leonard: April 9 - 11, 16 - 18, 23 - 25, 2010

2010-03-09T10:57:00.000-06:00

Don't Miss The Gaelic Park Players Production of The Patrick Pearse Motel by Irish playwright Hugh Leonard: April 9 - 11, 16 - 18, 23 - 25, 2010

There are few South Side actors whose work I recommend unreservedly, but this production includes one of them in the likes of Marty Donovan who I have had the pleasure of working with onstage myself and witnessing his raw talent, attention to his craft, his ready wit, his incredible imagination, humor and all around ability to move an audience to laugh, cry and cheer.

In the context of a Hugh Leonard play, his efforts are not to be missed. While you may be more familiar with Leonard's Da or A Life, I urge you to take a chance to see this production of The Patrick Pearse Motel while you can, and to get seats while you can. Opening night offers two for one tickets a rare theater buy.

Here's what the company says about the play and the production:

The Patrick Pearse Motel by Hugh Leonard

An upwardly mobile couple living in an upscale Dublin suburb, and their business partners are showing what real patriotism is all about-selling it in the form of hotels. Each room in the Patrick Pearse Motel is decorated with a portrait of a national hero. Unbeknown to her doting husband, the lady of the house is plotting a tryst with an old flame, a television commentator famed for his rudeness. Soon the stage is filled with mistaken identities, dropped trousers, a flimsy negligee and false accusations. On a rainy night at The Patrick Pearse Motel, the characters crisscross paths, threaten one another with a shillelagh and hide in convenient closets. An hysterical bedroom farce that will have you wondering how will all of this turn out and who will get out alive?

The Patrick Pearse Motel
Director-Tom Kearney
Assistant Director-Georgina Chapman

Cast:
Dermod -Marty Donovan
Grainne-Kathy Holahan
Fintan-Stephen Heffernan
Niamh-Mary Kate Brophy
Miss Manning-Taryn Mckenna
James Usheen-Mick Kenna
Hoolihan-Barney Farrelly

Show Dates are:
Fridays April 9th, 16th and 23rd at 8:00pm
Saturdays April 10th, 17th and 24th at 8:00pm
Sundays April 11th, 18th and 25 at 3:00pm

Tickets:
PLEASE NOTE TICKETS ARE AVAILABLE AT THE GAELIC PARK OFFICE

$12.00 Theater Performance only
$25.00 Dinner & Theater (Sundays Only)
Opening Night - Buy 1 Get 1 Free!!
Reservations are a must for Dinner & Theater
Tickets are non-refundable

For tickets and dinner reservations please call:

The Gaelic Park Players
Chicago Gaelic Park
6119 W. 147th Street
Oak Forest, IL 60452

708-687-9323

View Larger Map

This is a Facebook Event. If you are a Facebook member you can go here for more information:

If you do see the show, be sure to tell them at the box office you heard about it here!

Peter, Chief Editor and Spelling Wrecker
The Peter Files Blog of Comedy, Jokes, Satire, Commentary and Videos
Http://ThePeterFiles.blogspot.com

Mack the Knife with Peter and Ray on my 50th Birthday

2009-11-28T05:52:00.002-06:00

When I went out for dinner for my birthday, a few things happened that I didn't expect. This is one of them.

In keeping with our plan to show more locally produced videos!

Please go back to You Tube and comment if you like it! Comments here welcome provided you understand the impromptu nature of both the performance and vide

Peter, Chief Editor and Spelling Wrecker
The Peter Files Blog of Comedy, Jokes, Satire, Commentary and Videos
Http://ThePeterFiles.blogspot.com

Penguin Habits, or Was That Habitats?

2009-11-25T07:01:00.002-06:00

Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica - where do they go?

Wonder no more!!!

It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.

The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried.

The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:

"Freeze a jolly good fellow." Then they kick him in the ice hole....

You really didn't believe that I know anything about penguins, did you?

As a matter of fact, you might pause to wonder why the words "Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica?" didn't give you pause to think further?

I mean, how many of us actually tool down to Antarctica for any reason, let alone wonder why polar bears aren't doing their jobs...

(If you were disturbed at all by that last comment, just right-click on the two highlighted links and you will feel lots better. Or lots more foolish depending on what that reveals about your cold weather animal habitat lore knowledge.)

This joke submitted by my friend Mary M.

Take care, and have a Happy Thanksgiving!

Peter, Chief Editor and Spelling Wrecker
The Peter Files Blog of Comedy, Jokes, Satire, Commentary and Videos
Http://ThePeterFiles.blogspot.com

Caught Visiting! A University Person From Belgium!

2009-11-24T04:52:00.003-06:00

I hope you won't be freaked out by this, but my site meter keeps a little info on who comes to visit and right now in the wee hours of the morning its someone at a school I considered going to, the Katholieke Universiteit of Leuven.

But they had NO scholarships for Americans then and I couldn't put together a master's degree program funding without it.

So hurray to you, whomever you are, student or faculty!

Domain Name kuleuven.be ? (Belgium)
IP Address (Katholieke Universiteit Leuven)
ISP Katholieke Universiteit Leuven
Location
Continent : Europe
Country : Belgium (Facts)
State/Region : Vlaams-Brabant
City : Leuven
Lat/Long : 50.8833, 4.7 (Map)
Distance : 4,158 miles
Language Dutch
nl
Operating System Linux UNIX
Browser Firefox
Mozilla/5.0 (X11; U; Linux i686 (x86_64); nl; rv:1.9.1.4) Gecko/20091016 Firefox/3.5.4
Javascript version 1.5
Monitor
Resolution : 1920 x 1200
Color Depth : 24 bits
Time of Visit Nov 24 2009 4:29:39 am
Last Page View Nov 24 2009 4:36:59 am
Visit Length 7 minutes 20 seconds
Page Views 3
Referring URL http://images.google...25&hl=en&start=12&um
Visit Entry Page http://thepeterfiles...ust-need-little.html
Visit Exit Page http://thepeterfiles...ust-need-little.html
Out Click
Time Zone UTC+1:00
Visitor's Time Nov 24 2009 11:29:39 am
Visit Number 65,614

Nb: the time on site is often understated. Especially if it is zero. You usually have to go to a second page for me to get any idea how long you were there.

Peter, Chief Editor and Spelling Wrecker
The Peter Files Blog of Comedy, Jokes, Satire, Commentary and Videos
Http://ThePeterFiles.blogspot.com

Facebook Share Added to the Peter Files Blog!

2009-11-24T03:56:00.004-06:00

Happy Thanksgiving for all the Americans who read my blog! Happy "Why Not Try Turkey with Cranberry Sauce Day" for the rest of the world.

(Vegans who haven't should really try cranberry sauce and orange-cranberry relish. You have to make the latter yourself usually.)

Yes that's right! That F|Share button in blue you see is the perfect way to share a blog page here you like with your friends.

Best news of all. You can to through the hundreds of posts in our archives to find something special your friends might like or hate, or scroll down my sidebar on the right to see some links I put in for some of my favorites.

While I'm add it. If you go down to the next article you will see my post about why I've been gone so long. Well part of the reason. The rotator cuff injury was just about as awful as I described it.

Worse, they changed my pain medicine to something that gave me reactions as if I had H1N1, the black plague, stomach rot, or the giant weasel of Gort in my tummy. (I put that one in for my fan(s?) from Louth who keep logging in so faithfully. I don't know who you are, but thanks, thanks, thanks for checking back all the time.

I hope to be better at this.

In truth, I've been slacking off a bit because of Facebook. With out putting too fine a point on it, I'm in that slightly older group that seems to be the fastest growing demographic for them.

That means that in the last year, several hundred friends I thought I'd never see or hear from again started writing to me, sharing baby pictures, life stories, all that wonderful stuff. So, I've been writing so much there that I have had less time to write comedy. But my New Year's resolution is not only to write more but to upload more videos now that I have a new iPhone 3Gs that has a built in movie camera which is perfect for blog level (ie., small) movies.

That means lots of laughs because all I have to do is show up to get a laugh!!!

Last. I have some really sick friends right now. Please, if you are one of those that pray, pray for them. I won't list them because I'd then have to update this and I'm too lazy to do that. Except for Emily who is beautiful and young and very, very ill. But she can and will make it, but the prayers of millions of my readers would help a lot.

Of course, I don't have millions of readers, but if you share one page, share this one asking for prayers for Emily. When it's not needed I will take it down. Good thoughts and well wishes are also welcome.

OK, this is really the laaast thing. I've gotten a few nice comments from other humor webmasters asking me if I wouldn't mind promoting their site:

WWW.reallynaughtywordsthatdonotgoonafamilysafebloginthesitename.com

Sorry. This I try to keep this site safe for home and work. So, if your website has bad words in the title, I may visit it and leave you a message, but I won't be adding your comment to my blog. Not when the very NAME of your blog isn't funny.

I visit the sites I get ads for in comments on an older machine. If it starts to act up right away I know your site is bad news. Sometimes I will let ads for places I think interesting through. Especially small, individual or close to it blogs like mine that feature fun clean humor. Then I place them in my sidebar if I really like them for others to find. Note: If you really, really, really want a blogger to feature you on his site, there's no better way than featuring him first!

Happy Thanksgiving.

Oops. Joke needed.

Q: Waiter! How do you prepare your turkeys!
A: We don't beat around the bush sir. We tell them flat out they are going to die.

Peter, Chief Editor and Spelling Wrecker
The Peter Files Blog of Comedy, Jokes, Satire, Commentary and Videos
Http://ThePeterFiles.blogspot.com

Ouch! The Rotator Cuff Saga

2009-08-14T06:53:00.001-05:00

Just in case you wondered whether we've fallen off a cliff or something: Just about.

It wasn't quite that exciting, but if the words torn rotator cuff fill you with horror at the image of physical pain involved - you're in the right ballpark.

We, that is I, haven't been able to type for awhile. Makes doing a comedy blog hard. Still in the oochie, owie, yowie, oh mama stage too.

But I've stopped thumb sucking long enough to tell you that we should have some kind of content again soon.

Well today. Right now.

Q; How many people with torn rotator cuffs does it take to screw in a lightbulb.
A: Ow! Ow! Up? Nooooo!

Q: What's a torn rotator cuff?
A: That tendon in the shoulder that helps your arm move everywhere? That's the sucker. And when it gets torn, every time your arm tries to move anywhere... Owww. Owww. Owww. Owww.

Q: How long will it hurt?
A: Until the end of time. *Sob* Bleat. Moan.

Q: Not really?
A: No it just feels like forever. Now get out of my way I need stiff drink.
Q: You can't have anything stiff to drink unless you want to wind up like Heath Ledger or Michael Jackson.

Q: What do Heath Ledger and Michael Jackson have in common?
A: They probably had torn shoulder rotator cuffs.
Q: Not really?
A: No it just felt like they were being skewered on a hot poker for months at a time. What do I know, I stopped making sense months ago. Owwww!

Q: Don't they have medicine for that?
A: You believe in the tooth fairy don't you?
Q: There is medicine for everything else isn't there?
A: Most doctors think a lot of pain is good for you, keeps you conscious enough to pay their bills.

Q: What does having a torn rotator cuff make you feel like?
A: Like trying out a nice simple home amputation.

Q: Do you feel better after the operation?
A: Everyone feels better after a good amputation.

Q: No I mean the rotator cuff surgery.
A: No, you feel worse for a really long time, then you start to get a little better, like a snail on sleeping pills is faster. Till eventually, you feel as bad as when you went in for the surgery in the first place.

Q: Then finally you start to feel better!
A: I'll let you know a year from now.

Q: When you are done will you be able to pitch for the Chicago White Sox?
A: Can't fool me! Everyone knows that the only team that hires pitchers with actively torn rotator cuff is the Chicago Cubs.

Q: Is it a messy operation?
A: No, my doctor looked very clean afterwards I am told. I was also told that my surgery went well despite their finding a tear the size of the Grand Canyon. Truly, the operation itself was the best part. They just woke me up too soon, six months too soon.

Q; How is the physical therapy going?
A: Ever seen a late night horror film?

Q: Surely you are exaggerating.
A: OWW! OWW! Three Four. OWW OWW Seven Eight. My physical therapist is a nice guy who says its going well, I just have to be very patient. In fact, I'm going to be patient, a patient for months and months.

Q: If you knew it was going to be this bad, why did you have the operation?
A: They ALL LIED TO ME and said it wouldn't be too bad. Liars! Liars! Pants on fire all over the region. What could I do, they told me it would be no fun but the alternative was chewing my arm off. I don't think I taste that good.

Q: Any other benefits to the surgery?
A: A nice long juicy SCAR instead of the little holes they said would be there for arthroscopic surgery. I think I'm going to tell people I was in knife fight saving a teenage girl from a street gang when I got it. At least it is a nice straight scar. Good Doctor. Sit. Heel.

Q: Would you have the surgery again?
A: Yes. No way around it.

Q: Was all that whining even close to the truth?
A: Never ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever tear your rotator cuff.

Well I feel much better. If you are contemplating rotator cuff surgery you should know how much better you will feel when it is all fixed and you are back to normal. Really, they tell me this. Repeatedly, so it must be true. Sigh.

Never ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever tear your rotator cuff.

Peter, Chief Editor and Spelling Wrecker
The Peter Files Blog of Comedy, Jokes, Satire, Commentary and Videos
Http://ThePeterFiles.blogspot.com

The Peter Files Blago Original Musical Parody: Whenever He Speaks (Blago's Lament)

2009-05-05T17:58:00.003-05:00

Introducing "Whenever He Speaks (Blago's Lament) The Peter Files Blog of Comedy's Parody of the Blagojevich situation now on YouTube.com!

Tell us what you think.

I know, there's an error or two. We don't aim for perfection, just laughs!

Peter, Chief Editor and Spelling Wrecker
The Peter Files Blog of Comedy, Jokes, Satire, Commentary and Videos
Http://ThePeterFiles.blogspot.com

Susan Boyle Sings Cry Me A River

2009-04-19T02:14:00.003-05:00

Susan Boyle's 1999 recording of Cry Me A River, only 1,000 copies released, but here it is as found by The Socttish Daily Record.

Amazing! What an awesome talent she is!

After it runs you may be able to play her Britain's got Talent Song in the related videos that should appear.

Peter, Chief Editor and Spelling Wrecker
The Peter Files Blog of Comedy, Jokes, Satire, Commentary and Videos
Http://ThePeterFiles.blogspot.com

Not Susan Boyle, It's Superman!

2009-04-19T01:37:00.004-05:00

Here it is, an original Superman theme song parody lyric.

I wanted to post Susan Boyle but You Tube has cut off posting that on web sites. But you'll find this both funny and very well sung too.

This video was brought to You Tube by Goldentusk!

Peter, Chief Editor and Spelling Wrecker
The Peter Files Blog of Comedy, Jokes, Satire, Commentary and Videos
Http://ThePeterFiles.blogspot.com

Easter Jokes I Should Have Posted Last Week

2009-04-19T00:57:00.002-05:00

Past time for some Easter jokes. Some of these have been culled from sources and fan mail, others I made up. Others have been twisted from jokes about other species.

Happy Easter! Perhaps I will do another post before we get there. Feel free to add your own Easter Joke or Jokes in the comments section. Just because I moderate the comments doesn't mean that I don't accept nearly all of them!

Here we go:

Q: What did we call the Easter Bunny the year he hopped in a long sweltering Easter parade?  
A: A Hot, cross, bunny.

Q: What do you call ten rabbits marching backwards?
 A: A receding hareline.

Q: What do you call a bunny with a large brain?  
A: An egghead.

Q: Why was the Easter Bunny rubbing his head?
 A: Because he had a eggache! (headache)

Q: Do you know how the Easter Bunny stays in shape?  
A: Hareobics.

Q: What's another name for it?
 A: Eggcercise!

Q: Why does the Tooth Fairy claim that the Easter Bunny was self-centered?
 A: He says the Easter Bunny is eggocentric, but I think that's stretching the tooth.

Q: Why did the Easter Bunny hop down the road?  
A: He wanted to make a movie with Bob Hope.

Q: Why did the Easter Bunny cross the road?  
A: Because it was the chicken's day off.

Q: What do you give a 500-hundred-pound bunny rabbit?
 A: Anything it wants!

Q: Where can a 500-hundred-pound bunny rabbit live? 
A: Anywhere it wants!

Q: What goes chomp, chomp, chomp, SPROING, chomp, chomp, chomp, SPROING?
 A: A 500-hundred-pound bunny rabbit trying to combine diet and excercise.

Q: What's the difference between The Easter Bunny and a lumberjack?
 A: One chews leaves and hops, the other hews, chops and leaves.

Q: Why do 500-hundred-pound bunny rabbits paint their toenails different colors? 
A: So that they can hide in baskets of jelly beans.

Q: Why did the magician have to cancel his show?  
A: He'd just washed his hare and couldn't do a thing with it.

Q: Why was PETA so upset with the magician after he canceled his show?  
A: They thought it was because instead of having a split hair, he'd split a hare during his act.

Q: How did the Magician make up for it?
A: He adopted the stage name PETA Cottontail and promised to only to use artificial hares in his act from then on. As he became older, he grew bald and became famous for his waist-long wigs of pink and white. That's right, he became known as PETA Cottontail with the Bunny Trail. Eventually he began to do magic tricks with the wigs themselves.

Q: Why did the Easter Bunny want to see the magician's act so badly?  
A: He was a little down and heard the magician's act was hare raising.

Q: How do you catch a unique rabbit?
 A: Unique up on it!!

Q: What did the Easter Bunny say to the carrot?  
A: It's been nice gnawing at you.

Q: After Easter is over what kind of drink does the Easter Bunny like to kick back and relax with?
 A: Hops, though sometimes for a change he'll embrace a Wild Turkey.

Q: What do you call the Easter Bunny the day after Easter?  A
: Tired.

and the last joke in this group:

Q: How does Easter end?
 A: With an 'r'.

This is a reprise of a post from last year, but I have some new readers now who haven't seen it. Loks like Easter put me ver the 60,000 visitor mark. Hurray!

Peter, Chief Editor and Spelling Wrecker
The Peter Files Blog of Comedy, Jokes, Satire, Commentary and Videos
Http://ThePeterFiles.blogspot.com

The Dry and Surreal Humor of Steven Wright - Buy it You'll Like it

2009-03-14T15:25:00.003-05:00

Steven Wright Videos. Steven is one of the funniest driest comics around. If you like this stuff you will go to the iTunes store or over to Amazon or even a local record store and buy all his stuff, even these routines so you can take them with you on your iPod, I mean, your portable media player.

I hesitated for a long time about putting these up, but apparently, Wright's camp has only objected to some of the material being taken down. For example, parts 4-5 of the material below come from his "I Still Have a Pony" album. If he had wanted it all taken down, You Tube would have had it taken down immediately. So clearly, they see some value in having some of his material up. (In the same vein, I will take down any copyrighted material immediately upon notification of the original copyright owner and I usually avoid putting up anything not meant for further distribution.)

Since it appears that Steven wishes the publicity, I'll introduce him to you this way. There is a huge amount of his material available and I encourage you to become a fan.

IMPORTANT - I can't guarantee the language on all of this one, so use headphones if you are at work. Steven does not usually use bad language though.

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Part 4

Part 5

"I knew when I was going to die because my birth certificate had an expiration date on it." - Steven Wright

Peter, Chief Editor and Spelling Wrecker
The Peter Files Blog of Comedy, Jokes, Satire, Commentary and Videos
Http://ThePeterFiles.blogspot.com

Killer Fish Video From Brazil

2009-03-14T14:56:00.003-05:00

This is one of the funniest fish videos that I have ever seen.

Watch this video about a night of fishing in Brazil by lamplight. If you've ever had some frustrating fishing experiences like I have, you will find this hysterical.

Don't forget to tell your friends about our site! Now updating regularly. Use the archives too. More than 650 earlier posts!

Peter, Chief Editor and Spelling Wrecker
The Peter Files Blog of Comedy, Jokes, Satire, Commentary and Videos
Http://ThePeterFiles.blogspot.com

Four Old Guys: Andy Joke

2009-03-11T05:28:00.002-05:00

In a continuation of my jokes forwarded from friends series, this one is from my most regular contributor Andy, who may have been thinking of our friend Mary when he forwarded it. Hee hee hee.

Four Retired Guys

Four old retired guys are walking down a street in Naples, Florida.

They turned a corner and see a sign that says, Old Timers Bar - All Drinks 10 Cents.'

They look at each other, and then go in, thinking this is too good to be true.

The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, 'Come on in and let me pour one for you!

'What'll it be, Gentlemen?'

There seemed to be a fully-stocked bar, so each of the men ask for a martini. In short order, the bartender serves up four iced martinis, shaken, not stirred, and says, 'That'll be 10 cents each, please'

The four men stare at the bartender for a moment.

Then look at each other...

They can't believe their good luck.

They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round. Again, four excellent martinis are produced with the bartender again saying, 'That's 40 cents, please.'

They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity is more than they can stand. They have each had two martinis and so far they've spent less than a dollar.

Finally one of the men says, 'How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime a piece?'

'I'm a retired tailor from Boston,' the bartender says, 'and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery for $25 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime - wine, liquor, beer, it's all the same.'

'Wow!!!! That's quite a story,' says one of the men.

The four of them sipped at their martinis and couldn't help but notice seven other people at the end of the bar who didn't have drinks in front of them, and hadn't ordered anything the whole time they were there.

One man gestures at the seven at the end of the bar without drinks and asks the bartender,'What's with them?'

The bartender says,'Oh, they're all old retired farts from Wisconsin. They're waiting for happy hour when drinks are half price.'

Yeah, stereotypes, don't you love them? Not that this could ever happen. Right? Well, probably not...

Thanks Andy!

Peter, Chief Editor and Spelling Wrecker
The Peter Files Blog of Comedy, Jokes, Satire, Commentary and Videos
Http://ThePeterFiles.blogspot.com

Friends Vs Chicago Friends

2009-03-11T05:19:00.002-05:00

The best thing about living in Chicago is the people who live here and how they treat each other. This was forwarded by my CHICAGO FRIEND, Mary. Thanks Mar.

FRIENDS: Never ask for food.
CHICAGO FRIENDS: Always bring the food.

FRIENDS: Will say 'hello'.
CHICAGO FRIENDS: Will give you a big hug and a kiss.

FRIENDS: Call your parents Mr. and Mrs.
CHICAGO FRIENDS: Call your parents Mom and Dad

FRIENDS: Have never seen you cry.
CHICAGO FRIENDS: Cry with you.

FRIENDS: Will eat at your dinner table and leave.
CHICAGO FRIENDS: Will spend hours there, talking, laughing, and just being together.

FRIENDS: Know a few things about you.
CHICAGO FRIENDS: Could write a book with direct quotes from you.

FRIENDS: Will leave you behind if that's what the crowd is doing.
CHICAGO FRIENDS: Will kick the whole crowds' back-ends that left you.

FRIENDS: Would knock on your door.
CHICAGO FRIENDS: Walk right in and say,'I'm home!'

FRIENDS: will visit you in jail.
CHICAGO FRIENDS: will spend the night in jail with you .

FRIENDS: will visit you in the hospital when you're sick.
CHICAGO FRIENDS: will cut your grass and clean your house then come spend the night with you in the hospital and cook for you when you come home.

FRIENDS: have you on speed dial.
CHICAGO FRIENDS: have your number memorized .

FRIENDS: Are for a while.
CHICAGO FRIENDS: Are for life.

FRIENDS: Might ignore this.
CHICAGO FRIENDS: Will forward this to all their CHICAGO Friends
BEVERLY FRIENDS: Will blog this so that thousands of people have the chance to become better friends to their friends.

Which one are you?

Peter, Chief Editor and Spelling Wrecker
The Peter Files Blog of Comedy, Jokes, Satire, Commentary and Videos
Http://ThePeterFiles.blogspot.com

Idiot Sightings: From Holly

2009-03-11T05:10:00.004-05:00

These "Idiot Sightings" were forwarded from my friend Holly. She has been careful. She's in a job where she probably sees a lot of idiots, but to save it, I can't tell you what it is, nor which side of the counter the idiots lie...

IDIOT SIGHTING:
We had to have the garage door repaired.. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower..' I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, 'NO, it's not.' Four is larger than two...'

We haven't used Sears repair since.

IDIOT SIGHTING:

My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter. She said, 'You gave me too much money.' I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back.' She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said 'We're sorry but we cannot do that kind of thing.' The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change..

Do not confuse the clerks at McD's.

IDIOT SIGHTING:
I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'

From Kingman , KS ..

IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE:
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.

From Kansas City

IDIOT SIGHTING:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?' To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?' He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'

Happened in Birmingham , Ala.

IDIOT SIGHTING:
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street.
I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'

She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS

IDIOT SIGHTING:
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker. She was leaving the company due to 'downsizing.' Our manager commented cheerfully, 'This is fun. We should do this more often.' Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare..

This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.

IDIOT SIGHTING:
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.

A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office, no less..

IDIOT SIGHTING:

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'Its open!' His reply, 'I know.
I already got that side..'

This was at the Ford dealership in Canton , MS.

One last one:

When I left Hawaii and was transferred to FL I still had the Hawaiian plates on my car, as my car was shipped from Hawaii . I was parking somewhere (I can't remember) and a guy asked me "Wow, you drove from Hawaii to here?" I looked at him and quickly said "Yep. I took the Hawaii/San Francisco Bridge". He nodded his head and said "Cool!"

If you liked these and have humor of your own to share, just send it to thepeterfiles blog at gmail.com and if its funny, I will post it and give it whatever credit you like.

Peter, Chief Editor and Spelling Wrecker
The Peter Files Blog of Comedy, Jokes, Satire, Commentary and Videos
Http://ThePeterFiles.blogspot.com

Mac Vs. PC Game Installation Instructions

2009-02-26T23:52:00.007-06:00

Why I like the Mac

Every once in awhile people will ask me why I like working on a Mac a thousand times better than on a PC.

Here's a picture, worth more than 1,000 words that sums it up. It's a copy of the install instructions from the Cogii game Escape from the Museum which was issued in dual Mac/IBM format.

Just read the install instructions for each platform and you will see what I mean.

Here's a game manufacturer with a sense of humor says I. Perhaps the museum is a museum of obsolete Windows machines...

Peter, Chief Editor and Spelling Wrecker
The Peter Files Blog of Comedy, Jokes, Satire, Commentary and Videos
Http://ThePeterFiles.blogspot.com

The Peter Files Blog is Back!

2009-02-26T10:00:00.006-06:00

Hi there! Wondering where we've been? Sorry for the long absence.

I don't usually talk a lot about myself in this blog, sticking with humor, but this once, I should try to explain where I've been.

One of the things you never see behind a blog like this is the life of the person behind the blog. I've kept that quiet for a number or reasons, spousal request, a desire for privacy, the freedom to make fun of whomever I wanted, but the slow down in posting has gotten so bad compared to early years that it deserves an explanation I think, to those of you who have followed this blog since the beginning.

Sadly, the truth is that this blog started because I became disabled and unable to work at a real job. I'm a chronic pain patient, serious pain, and that does some things that slow my progress here.

The first is that such pain comes with depression and disorganization as a matter of course and that is especially true in my case. So the blog has been helpful to me in chasing those naughty blues away that come with the lifestyle of being in pain constantly.

The second is that the struggle to do even the minimum needed to get through life is draining enough that I don't have the energy I need to get through the normal tasks of life.

In addition, this type of experience tends to be incredibly isolating, and this blog HAS helped to work on that. Some of the comments I have gotten from friends and contributors over time have been quite nice. Thank you all. But, its the nature of this type of blog to get fewer comments than I might get elsewhere. Some of that by choice, because of the psuedo-anonymity I write with. Most of my friends have identified myself pretty easily with the clues I have left for them here.

But the biggest factor, honestly, is that like much of the inter-verse, the universe of the internet, I've been sucked into the world of social networking through Facebook.com at a key time when people my age are the largest joining group of the service.

That's been good for me personally. I am very grateful to Facebook for helping me reconnect with, and improve my connection with almost two hundred people right now that I hold in high esteem and who have been close friends or associates in humor and life over the years. For someone like me, this has been a huge deal. I'm a very social being and in my previous career I worked closely with a couple of dozen people on a weekly basis, but over the course of a year, dealt with several hundred people who I liked, respected, esteemed, and in some cases, held among my closest friends.

My work life was incredibly busy. I had invested most of my being in it with the exception of family life, which got shorter shrift than it should have.

Like many freshly disabled people, it comes as a shock, a great shock, and one that you have to work through. For a long time I let myself believe that I would feel better next week. Surely things would improve, and I would spring back into shape and resume my work and life style. I was deluding myself and it was in the interest of myself to do that because it kept me focused on trying to find a way out of my predicament. Had I had another problem than the one I do, it just might have worked to. Sadly, such did not prove to be the case.

I've learned a lot about pain in the past five years. How much can be endured. What a struggle life is for some, many of whom have it worse than I do. I have a modicum of mobility, I can type and walk or example, where others cannot. One of my cousin's cousin became paraplegic and lost nearly all motor functions.

Another close friend, one of my very best friends in fact, died three years ago in an MS related accident. No warning. Horribly shocking. Then two and a half months later, my mom died, cancer, 10 days from diagnosis to death. The two together were as or more emotionally painful as what I was going through as a result of the injuries I received six and a half years ago. Time flies.

So, this blog has been a great way to chase those naughty blues away, but did not get at my real needs, other than the need to feel productive at something useful to others. Perhaps some day, I could make a career out of it and provide an income stream of sorts.

Well, let me tell you, those ads I put up, don't help much. I still have yet to get a check from Google, though one day I may get enough page views and clicks to generate that first one. Some day. I predict that it will come before 2014 at this rate. Not that I am complaining. I'll take my wife out to dinner on that. Or buy something to keep this computer going. Or just pay my internet bill. (If you really want to help the blog, do your amazon shopping starting here. That is the single thing that could help me do better, just click on the Amazon link first here before you go over.)

Only one of my sisters has used the paypal donate link. I've left it up there though in case there is a foundation that wants to fund my comedy the cheap and easy way.

So, back to where I've been. Well other than sicker. This was a bad winter and in the fall late fall I slipped on the ice behind my car, making my injuries worse and added some new pain. Just great. Wish I had a video of it though. I sure it looked funny as hell making that pratfall YouTube.com worthy had only someone seen it and filmed it.

But the biggest factor has been Facebook, long the bastion only of high school and college students, Facebook has become in the last year flooded with people my age or thereabouts who have discovered that they can post pictures that they can control the privacy of, and create and maintain links with people they care for from far away.

The key element is privacy. If I put up family photos or the like, I can specify that only my family and friends, those I name as "Facebook friends" can see it if I so choose. Each display element has its own setting. I can even have things that only 1 or two people can see if I choose.

What has this meant for me? Connecting with more than a century and a half of old friends, keeping up with some family better, and once in awhile, making new friends. This has had a huge impact on my sense of isolation, for the better. It's been helped by the fact that quite a few old friends have started to catch on and join too.

Last week a friend joined who I used to sit at lunch with and gab through most of high school. We'd drifted apart and I missed him, but as time went on was too lazy or insecure to try to hook up again. Then, joy of joys there was a friend request from him. Amazing. Turns out he's still in town.

Each old connection that I make has helped to heal some of the wounds of lost friends to death of which I have more than I'd like to have had. It took a little prodding and begging, but I got some of my family members to join, giving us a chance to keep up better with what has been going on in their lives and to share the good things that do happen in mine. And that's an important thing. Despite all that I have gone through, life has had some real pleasant moments. Not the kind that you regularly crow at, but, the status messages that say how you are that you can set at will, make those little things news. The system prompts you to update your status with a "Peter is" statement (though you can delete the "is" if you want to.

"I've got a headache but am going to try to sleep it off."

Name "is making his fourth trip to Home (expletive deleted by him) Depot! This is it and he will have new plumbing, trap and faucet for his house."

Name "hopes someone knows a mechanic with a fix-wish to buy my Jeep..."

Name "is midterming. Wonder what the young people have learned thus far."

Name "Coffee..."

Name "is helping save the rainforest on (Lil) Green Patch! (http://apps.facebook.com/greentrees/d.php) -- Join us to help the cause!
2 hours ago - via (Lil) Green Patch"

Name "is ready for today to be over." Better write her a note and see what's up.

Name " is on the way to SNNOOWWBAAALLL!!(:.
Updated via Facebook Mobile"

Name "is in Day 2 of the No Negativity in Lent experiment. Serenity now!"

Name "was thinking that he should take up hunting like Jed Clampet."

Name "is watching Man on a Wire re: wire walking between Twin Towers, great documentary."

Name ""We can make it there slow just like a circus" Britney Spears baby ♥."

Name "is celebrating Losar....(Tibetan new year)...its the year 2135, so remember to date your checks accordingly."

Name "is impressed her son is attempting to speak French."

Name "Now that Mardi Gras has come to an end, it's time to reflect, and to decide that which I must give up for lent? Perhaps scotch? Or tequila?
Updated via Facebook Mobile on Tuesday"

Name "welcomes all former COMIC ASYLUM customers to ALTERNATE REALITY. 111th & Kedzie is not so far from 86th & Cicero!"

Name "is i love you."

Name "hates when he eats Cap'n Crunchberries, the roof of his mouth feels scraped lol." For the record I like Crunchberries, will have to tell my friend to let them soak a little more for softness. LOL

Name "is not able to read your post right now. However, your post is important to him. Please stay online, and he will read it in the order in which it is perceived." Good one!

Name "says please support this education bill http://www.ilga.gov/legislation/BillStatus.asp?DocTypeID=HB&DocNum=1035&GAID=10&SessionID=76&LegID=42707."

Name "is ZZZZZZ".

Name "is hanging w/my sister & niece after seeing Junie B. I'm also geared up & excited to start audtions for "Don't Drink the Water"!!!"

Name "is wondering what Roland Burris' next story will be.
last Friday"

Name " is ready to be at the beach already!" That's one thing about Facebook, you can make friends everywhere through their applications. Sometimes somewhere it is warmer, colder whatever, than you are. That can be good for perspective.

The Facebook privacy issue that hit the news last week has been settled. They announced a return to the original terms of service and promised that they would not make a change like that again and formed a standards committee of members. Good strategy. Because without that reassurance that your messages and data are private as you decide to make them, most of my friends would have left the service.

What Facebook is providing more than anything else is a PRIVATE space to share things, particularly photos. Yes, someone hacking is and sharing things is a small risk, but so far, they seem to be the best there is.

So, that's where I've been. Not just gabbing, but healing as well. And I have to say to my Facebook friends, you have no idea what good you have done for me over the past months. (They will see this if they choose because my blog posts go into my notes section automatically).

That part of me that felt like my past was disintegrating and leaving me in a "Jud-like" lonely room, is gone or at least a lot better, and if I am still not healthy enough to follow up on many of the invitations I have gotten, especially when they are to see plays (I have some great actor friends) that I may or may not have the energy for at the last minute (usually not, sadly), I appreciate them like nothing you have ever seen.

I feel much less isolated. For someone in my position, that is a tremendous thing. Reconnecting with some of the people who I care about is a wonderful, wonderful thing. And through their genealogy application I have been getting to know a lot of cousins I don't know well, (2nd cousins mostly, but still relations I wish I had known years ago.)

This is a great thing. But it has been time consuming and I have left the blog to spin in the wind a little. So, I am going to make an effort to try to post something here at least twice a week. Maybe a little more. Now that the election is past, my need to rant has quelled, and so other than a few irresistibly pokes at some of my local Chicago political players that are in the media now, I will try to lay off the political ranting for awhile. If I can stand to, I am from Illinois after all. But then Blago and company are such easy targets, it hardly seems worth the effort.

Finally, I will be trying in fits and starts to revamp the look of this blog. If you come here and things look strange, don't worry, they will look better soon. I just need to get converted to the new system and I have done so much customizing of my blog that it is hard to do that easily.

So, that's my view on the state of Facebook. I like it. I am using it. I feel good about it.

I think if you have a lot of distant connections you'd like to keep up with, or are nearly house-bound, you will love it too.

And for those who have kept checking back the last few months. Thank you ever so much! Even those who found themselves here by accident had lots of things to read in the archives. Try them, you'll like them!

Oh, better late than never.

The last night for AUDITIONS for S.T.A.R. Productions'The Makeover is tonight.

Here's the rest of the info, and apoligies to Laurie that this is so late. But at least this is advance notice of what I am sure will be a great show.

Audition Information
Auditions for our next production, The Makeover (a comedy/drama published by Samuel French just six months ago), will be held at Home Auditorium (address above) on the following night:

Thursday
Feb 26, 2009
7 - 9:30 PM

I assume the auditions are in their performance space, but you might want to call Laurie to find out.

PERFORMANCE SPACE:
Home Auditorium
4400 S Home Ave
(7000 west,
a few blocks east of Harlem)
Stickney, Illinois

MAILING ADDRESS:
S.T.A.R.
3637 W 51st St
Chicago IL 60632

(312) 802-8020

Auditionees are welcome at any time during advertised hours on either or both days. Please arrive no later than 8:30 pm to allow time to read with other actors. Most people tend to come on one of the scheduled days and stay until auditions are over. There will be cold readings from the script; monologues are not required. This play was just published, so it's not yet available online or from the library. It will be directed by Leo Rokicki and Laurie Reyna. For more information, call Laurie at (773) 585-5852.

Performance Dates
Saturday, May 2, 2009
Sunday, May 3 (matinee)
Friday, May 8
Saturday, May 9

The Makeover
By Patsy Hester Daussat

It's a typical Saturday evening as Mike and Melanie play games with their best friends, Victor and Paula. They have been neighbors for years, and their sons, who are friends, are both home from college for the summer. Little does Melanie know that her happy, comfortable world will soon be thrown into turmoil. Mike has sent a letter to Facing Facts, Melanie and Paula's favorite reality TV show. He believes Melanie, who has gained weight over the years, would be thrilled to have a makeover at Facing Facts' fabulous spa. After all, she and Paula rave about it. Unfortunately, every Monday night when Melanie and Paula watch the show, their husbands leave to play baseball. Poor Mike is clueless about the show's cruel, ratings-hungry host, Frances Montgomery, who thrives on humiliating those who are ambushed on the show. When the Facing Facts crew descends at her door, Melanie endures a disastrous ambush. Afterwards, she cannot understand why Mike would subject her to national humiliation. Melanie tells him to be out of the house when she returns from the spa. Mike is hopeful that she will change her mind, but things only get worse the evening Melanie returns. Frances not only belittles Melanie again, she sets her sights on an oblivious Mike. Melanie finally explodes, throwing the Facing Facts crew out of her house, along with Mike. Events in the days that follow bring Melanie to realizations about herself and the important things in life.

Character Descriptions
(Age ranges listed refer to what the actor should portray,
not the actor's actual age.)

Roles for Women

Melanie Barnsworth, 40s-50s, an attractive, middle-class, happily married "domestic engineer" who is padded to look heavier in the first act. She is fun-loving, but has not completely come to terms with her weight issue.

Paula Giacobi, 40s-50s, Melanie's best friend and neighbor, who is a thin, attractive "domestic engineer." She is no-nonsense, but has a nurturing, comforting side.

Frances Montgomery, 30s-50s, the haughty, snobby, attractive (surgically enhanced), thin, flamboyant host of Facing Facts, an ambush reality TV show. She has a patronizing, friendly attitude on the air, but is rude and selfish off the air (except to Mike).

Monica, college-age, Frances' cute assistant and Keith's love interest. She is energetic, a bit eccentric, and very patient (she has to be to work with Frances). She will speak her mind, though.

Roles for Men

Mike Barnsworth, 40s-50s, Melanie's handsome, fit husband, who works in an office. He loves his wife and is understanding, but he's sometimes oblivious and doesn't always listen.

Victor Giacobi, 40s-50s, Paula's husband and Mike's best friend, who owns a small construction company. Despite a bit of a paunch, he is fairly attractive. He is comical, but is sometimes overly flirtatious and can be abrasive.

Keith Barnsworth, Melanie and Mike's son who is home from college for the summer. He is studying to be an architect. He's the boy-next-door type, but he is not perfect. He has a loving and caring relationship with his parents.

Ricky Giacobi, Paula and Victor's college-age son and Keith's best friend. He is more of a free spirit than Keith, and he's unconventional. He is studying psychology. He and his mother are very close. He cares about his father, but they are not as close.

Role for Either Gender

Boz, 18-65, the camera-operator. This is an average-size role with specific actions, but few lines.

Again, the last night of auditions is TONIGHT Thursday 2/26/09, 7-9:30pm. See http://ChicagoSTAR.org/audition for details...

That's all folks!

Peter, Chief Editor and Spelling Wrecker
The Peter Files Blog of Comedy, Jokes, Satire, Commentary and Videos
Http://ThePeterFiles.blogspot.com

Obama Moving for Early Release of Elves Said to Be Secretly Held at Guantanemo

2008-12-11T21:20:00.003-06:00

Peter Files Blog Political Satire Exclusive! None of the truth - all of the time!

Among the things that happens to a President-Elect of the United States is the gradual induction into the secrets of the Presidency. Rumors are starting to circulate that among the secrets recently revealed to the new President-Elect is that perhaps as many as two dozen of Santa's Elves were mistakenly detained while transferring planes in the United States on the way to destinations in the tropics and have been detained in Guantanemo Bay since then.

According to the rumor, the Elves travel profile matched those of terrorists because they had: paid for their tickets in cash, all had beards, were animated and excitable, spoke in an unidentified language, had unrecognized travel documents, and claimed to work at the North Pole. Apparently, this was the first time the Elves had not used Santa's own private travel transportation services due to an increase in the elf population at the North Pole, seasonal warming that made sections of the Polar Express impassable, and a flue bug that had most of the flying reindeer down that week.

The rumor continues that not only were the Elves denied access to counsel, but somehow no one at the White House noticed the inclusion of 24 of Santa's elves on the lists of those held for interrogation for the last five months.

It is further rumored that President-Elect Obama only became aware of the situation in time to push for the Elves release in time for the Christmas Rush, because of his position as President-Elect, his great interest in the Guantanimo situation, and was because he was personally reviewing, quickly, the list of detainees, when the name, Herbie, Dentist, Elf, North Pole, "jumped out at him off the page like the names Charlie Brown and Linus Van Pelt on the FBI's 10 most wanted's list." (Story to follow eventually.)

Obama has said nothing about the rumors so far, which started and have only circulated within the Peter Files Blog Offices thus far, and his chief of staff, Rob Emmanuel, has not been called or returned calls on this matter.

It should be noted that Peter Files Blog of Comedy rumors of this kind are generally specious and of no value other than entertainment whatsoever, but are generally satirical and humorous in nature only, and should not be believed.

However, should you believe these rumors, you may also believe in the ToothFairy, earlier reports that the Easter Bunny was detained at Guantanimo, and that it is possible to get away with selling a United States Senate seat when you are under direct investigation by the FBI.

Bush Officials have not commented on the matter. Of course, the parody-doxical question of whether either President Bush or Vice-President Cheney have been on the nice or naughty list since the invasion of Iraq is a nut that The Peter Files Blog Staff has been unable to crack.

Repeated efforts to send staff up to sneak a peek at the list have resulted in staff coming back, smiling, happy and full of hot chocolate, happy memories, and plied with candy canes and sweets. Though one short staffer allegedly has defected to the polar staff to take up with an elven lass named Lorien and now is much happier running a mass wrapping machine beside her.

The last rumor tidbit to, well report isn't quite the word, is that Santa, is unwilling to break elves out of any prison situation, though he did authorize repeated singing of off-key eleven tunes which has been reported to have had a "reverse-waterboarding" effect. This has kept the elves free from any real hardship during their stay it seems, also, the Marines stationed there themselves, immediately recognized the mistake but were apparently unable to move "higher levels of, a-hem, authority" into action.

Again, this amazingly unbelievable and non-credible rumor s as unsubstantiated as all the other drivel in this malarkey so, take it for what it's worth. Zip, zilcho, nada, a laugh.

This important rumor flash brought to you by:

Peter, Chief Rumor Creator, I mean, Editor and Spelling Wrecker
The Peter Files Blog of Comedy, Jokes, Satire, Commentary and Videos
Http://ThePeterFiles.blogspot.com

Avoid Looking Like an American Tourist - wikiHow

2008-12-11T19:58:00.002-06:00

Avoid Looking Like an American Tourist - wikiHow

Because of the Blagojevich stupidy-for-sale scandal, many in Illinois politics may be thinking about taking a quick trip out of the U.S., PERMANENTLY, so, I thought I might republish the link for you this easy wikiHow guide for How To Avoid Looking Like An American Tourist.

In these days when Americans are not always seen as popular overseas, though President-Elect Obama may be helping that image a bit now, fitting in is likely to be more important than before. So this could be timely whether you intend to escape to, er, visit, Argentina, Guatemala, Ireland, Blagoland, West-Ciceonia, or other places in the world you might like to visit. Notice I did not even hint at Sicily. Eh, Tony?

Here's one tip I didn't know. In other countries, ignore what Mom pounded into your head and use your left hand to use your fork. That's right, do what always felt natural all those years! Yes!

But, in general, to travel in other countries is going to mean more dressing up, giving up gym shoes and logos, wearing more black socks, and avoiding logos. Yup, looking like, THEM.

Well, that's the price of fitting in. But, as they say, when in Rome... That's the point isn't it? Learning about another culture by fitting in a bit. Learning a bit of the local patois, the lingo, and about the money, figuring out where you want to go first? That kind of stuff.

It's a pretty good article.

WikiHow's are Fun. Anyone can start one. I considered starting one called "HOW NOT TO APPOINT A REPLACEMENT UNITED STATES SENATOR" but I think between them Rob Blagojevech and Pat Fitzgerald have that material covered.

Wikiguides, are not always perfect, since anyone can start and edit them, but, they can be informative, with things you might not think of.

Ok, the Wiki-how link was supposed to transport the article to this blog in toto: here's what came:

How to Avoid Looking Like an American Tourist

from wikiHow - The How to Manual That You Can Edit

________________________

Clearly something went wrong. Now it might be my fault. I have not updated to the new customized, easier to use "widget driven" version of blogger. I just have my own clunky code driven version that I have edited by hand over the years, so it's mine, but not perfect.

So, I've pasted the text in myself. Here goes. Since Wiki's are changed, you have to go to that site to get the updates. So do that. OK?

How to Avoid Looking Like an American Tourist

As an American traveling in a foreign country, the last thing you want to do is stand out like a sore thumb. Not only do you have a greater chance of getting sucked into tourist traps, but you're also a more obvious target for getting mugged or even kidnapped. So, are you aware of the things you do, say, and wear that make you look like the stereotypical tourist?

Steps
Clothing
Ditch the athletic shoes. White athletic shoes (otherwise referred to as tennis shoes, or sneakers) are stereotypically American. Any shoes that don't look like they were meant for exercise will suffice. If you do wear socks, make sure they're dark. Flip-flops are also very noticeable as American attire, unless you're in a country like Brazil where Havaianas reign, or Australia or New Zealand where the Brazilian flip-flops are also ubiquitous.
Buy accessories at local stores, especially ones that you see the locals wearing, like scarves. Sometimes not wearing something could signal that you are a tourist. For example, in some countries, hats or scarves are worn by the majority, or, in winter, most people might wear neck scarves. Also, head scarves in some religious establishments. It would be wise to research this in advance and be prepared to take something with you if you plan to visit religious places.
Avoid US brand name clothing with easily readable names (eg. Nike, Gap, Abercrombie, Patriotic, Texas A&M, etc.). In fact, don't wear any slogans (like "Virginia is for lovers") that will tie you to a specific place. Notoriously American brands are becoming more popular outside of the US due to globalisation, however, it's still a good idea to stick to non-slogan clothing.

Dress a little nicer than usual. Casual dress (wearing sneakers, sweatshirts, t-shirts, jeans, or shorts (especially athletic shorts) instead of slacks or skirts with shirts or blouses) is not as common outside the US. Jeans are not universally accepted as appropriate in all social situations. Take some pairs of trousers or slacks in lieu of jeans. And don't wear shorts, especially if you are a woman. Look around and see whether people tuck their shirts in, or leave them hanging out--sometimes this differs for men and women in the same country.
Dress appropriately for the local weather. Shorts and a t-shirt in cool climates (or winter time) are a clear sign that you are not in touch with the local weather.
Camouflage. What colors do the locals wear? Mostly black and other neutral shades, like in London, or bright, bold colors like in the Caribbean? Wear colors that you see the locals wearing. Your hot pink sweater vest or bright blue collared shirt might be fashionable in Minneapolis, but it won't fly in Budapest.
Leave your baseball hats, backpack and water bottles at home

Food
Take whatever condiments they give you. Requesting typical US condiments (ketchup, salt, pepper, etc.) is a sure giveaway that you are an American tourist. Use the typical condiments in your host country, and if you don't like them or can't bear to eat without your American condiments, bring your own. Take small packets with you to use rather than insisting that the restaurant supply you with it.
Give up the ice. In many parts of the world, you will be served your drinks with little or no ice - much less than you're accustomed to in the US. Of course, if you want ice in your drink because that's how you prefer it and you're paying for it, you're perfectly entitled to ask for it...but the point of this article is to help you avoid being labeled as an American, and requesting ice is a definite giveaway, and be warned, the drinking water of some other countries aren't as safe as the water back at home... the water in the glass might be filtered, but the ice sometimes isn't, and with that you can get a bad case of food poisoning.

Eat local food. Many American tourists visit US chain restaurants for every meal, afraid to dabble in the local cuisine, but becoming a regular at the local McDonald's and Pizza Hut will tip everyone off that you're an American really quickly.
Use local table manners. For example, in Europe, a fork and knife are used differently than in the US. In some Southeast Asian nations chopsticks might be more appropriate.
Order like a local. In some countries, for instance, a salad is the last item served, not the first. In others, people don't eat what we in the US think of as a "salad".
Don't request decaf unless you can see in the menu that it is offered.
Don't ask for a seat in the "non-smoking" section, unless you already know there is one.
Don't insist on drinking “Coke” with every meal.

Behavior
Keep the map out of sight. Pulling out and looking at your map in a public space is a no-no. Study it before you leave your hotel, and if you do need to consult your map, step into a store or any other less public place. Have the maps pre-folded so they may be easily accessed and read. Same goes for other items:

If you must use a dictionary to translate a sign or menu, be discrete. For example, copy down the words of the sign and move aside to a less public place to work out the translation.
Don't carry US newspapers, magazines or books in plain view.

Be quiet! Many Americans are recognized for being louder than is customary in other parts of the world. Large arm and hand movements and boisterous behavior should be avoided until you know how the locals act. Adults in many non-American cultures use lower voices in public places. Either way, you're always better off being a little more reserved and quiet, at least for starters, than blasting onto a foreign scene with your vitality and making the wrong impression.

Don't brag or be showy. When you pull things out of your bag in public to show your friends or family what you purchased, you might as well yell "I have money and I'm ready to spend it, unless you want to take it from me against my will!"

Avoid talking about the local people and culture. Something as seemingly harmless as "Oh, I just love the scarves here!" will mark you as a tourist. And don't assume people can't understand what you're saying, just because you said it in English. In many parts of the world, people are taught to speak English along with their native language.

Mind your personal space. Not every country is as "spacious" as the US (unless you're in New York City, where space is at a premium). When you're at a counter, for example, don't spread out your arms; when you're sitting down on the bus or train, don't stretch out your legs in a way that might get in someone's way.

(Don't put your) Hands in Pockets. If you are touring a religious place or a place of great national pride, it can be considered very disrespectful to have your hands in your pockets.

Don't chew a lot of gum. It's just not very common outside of the US, and even within the US, it's a breach of etiquette under some circumstances.
Don't wear your camera around your neck. When traveling to a foreign country, you are bound to take pictures. However, having a camera strap and wearing it around your neck for easy access is a sure way to look like a tourist. If you can, keep it in a pocket or in a purse and pull it out when needed.

Try to speak the language. Why not try to make an effort to speak the local language? It's a sign of respect and appreciation of the local culture. Learn a few basic words like "Hello", "Please" and "Thank you". Nobody will mind if your accent is not perfect; the fact that you've been willing to speak their language, even when you could well have spoken yours, is a thing that many people appreciate in tourists.

Tips
These are only guidelines. You can do whatever you want as a tourist, but this article outlines some things you might want to avoid doing if fitting in and avoiding unwarranted attention is a concern.

In the UK, most men wear closely-fitted, dark clothing. If you are visiting during winter months, a snugly-fitted jacket will help you blend in with the local crowd.
Avoid baseball caps if possible.

If you are travelling alone, especially a woman, buy the local newspaper and keep it under your arm when walking, or open it if on a bus or train.
Always buy a pair of local shoes - especially what people wear for comfort.

Warnings
Don't wear a fanny pack. They make you a ridiculously easy target for pickpockets. A pickpocket could unzip the fanny pack and effortlessly take out the contents without you being aware.

If you look different (like if you have different color skin, or are more overweight or underweight than everyone else) people are going to think you're a tourist, or at least a foreigner, no matter what. But if you follow the steps above, hopefully they won't think you're a stereotypical American tourist, and they won't treat you as such.

It is best to wear your personal items such as money, ID, passport, credit card, etc. close to your body. You may not feel someone pulling objects out of your pocket. Inner pockets, or pockets on the front are easier to guard.

Don't hold your fork in your right hand. It makes Americans stand out from a distance no matter what they wear or which language they are speaking.

Related wikiHows
How to Be Safe in a Foreign Country
How to Travel Beyond the Tour Bus
How to Travel With One Bag
How to Get Cash when Traveling in Europe
How to Travel to India—Native Style
How to Travel Around the World

Sources and Citations
http://studyabroad.tamu.edu/travel_avoid.asp - Research source.
http://traveltravelfargo.blogspot.com/2008/04/17-ways-to-avoid-looking-like-tourist.html - Research source.

I hope you find this and other articles interesting. I know the last two months I have had less humor and more commentary and theater notices. There is a reason for that. My sense of humor is returning. Remember, with more than 650 posts, just hit the archives for lots of jokes on all kinds of topics, use the blue search box to find them.

Also, please support this blog by using the Amazon search box to do your Amazon holiday shopping!

Peter, Chief Editor and Spelling Wrecker
The Peter Files Blog of Comedy, Jokes, Satire, Commentary and Videos
Http://ThePeterFiles.blogspot.com

Blago's Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

2008-12-10T02:00:00.005-06:00

Now we've done it! After decades of hard work, we have finally surpassed Louisiana's record in political bumboozlery and allegedly confoundedly stupid greedy stupid behavior.

As commented on at: http://www.cnn.com/2008/POLITICS/12/09/borger.blagojevich/ whether they print it is up to them...

Like most of the public here in Illinois, when he ran for his first term for Governor, sick of the corruption in politics here and saddened by the George Ryan corruption problems, I liked Blagojevich's message, his style, what he had to say in his first campaign for Govenor, but now it seems, after his arrest and release on his own recognizance, like to get an honest job out of these folks at the top we have to wire them 24/7.

Today's events, the early morning FBI arrest of Illinois' Governor Rod Blagojevich and his Chief of Staff Ron Harris may not be the end of trust of all Government officials, but it feels like the beginning of the end. The only ray of hope was the continued refusal of the Obama people, as I read the warrant support affidavid even to consider payback of an kind.

I guess the worst part, the lowest part of reading the warrant support affidavit, was hearing the allegation and possibility (paragraph 73, page 44 of the Affidavit in support of the arrest warrant) that Mrs. Blagojevich may have initiated the idea of using the Tribune Company's desire to sell the Cubs with financing from the State of Illinois as a way to solicit the firing of key Tribune Newspaper (one of many Tribune Company Properties) Editorial Board Members who had written anti-Blago editorials. (See the CNN story for the links).

Oh, how I had wanted Patty B. to be free of any links to this mess. Maybe the Feds got it wrong and it was just a female aide in the Blagojevich home shouting a suggestion to Blago and "Deputy Governor A "...to hold up that F******* Cubs S***.... F*** them" as a way mess up the Tribune board plan. At least she was not on the payroll of Illinois, and so not subject to these indictments(I hope for the kids sake). No more hints at bad language here. I have a standard to maintain. I guess he won't be appointing her for the Senate Seat as a last ditch bail out after all, or is he that stupid?

So, the Governor's Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day is a lot worse than "Alexander's, Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day" by wonderful Children's Author and Illustrators Judith Viorst and Ray Cruz because Alexander's day, well, read the story for that. In fact, you can use the Amazon.com search box or this link to buy it, but Blago's troubles are just staring.

We can now only hope for true reform in Illinois and other states to come from this debacle. The need for Gubernatorial appointments of Senate replacements is long gone. Special Elections, even, "horrors" without a primary can be mandated to happen quickly by law, with a follow-up general election.

Time to take out this model-T of an electoral process and junk it.

Unless of course, this is some kind of "Awful evil dream".*
*Leonard Vole - Agatha Christie's Witness for the Prosecution

When Government becomes Parody, it may be time to find new Governors...

Peter, Chief Editor and Spelling Wrecker
The Peter Files Blog of Comedy, Jokes, Satire, Commentary and Videos
Http://ThePeterFiles.blogspot.com

The Christmas shopping season is winding down. Support my blog and use the links on this page to do your shopping!

Opening Night Arts Group Summer "Annie Jr." Program Auditions December 8th and 9th, 2008

2008-12-05T01:54:00.007-06:00

I got an audition notice for the Opening Night Art Group summer camp program that is auditioning Annie Jr. this Monday and Tuesday, January 8th and 9th for those between 4th and 8th grade. Sorry for the late notice, but I just saw it myself.

There is a fee for taking part in this program, and if you are cast you will be assigned to one of two casts, as described below. I assume the fees go to costumes, make-up, sets, and training fees for the instructors.

This may be the equivalent of a paid day camp but with a play production at the end. While payment is due on January 1st, they seem to have a refund policy. You may want to ask others at the auditions about their experiences at the group.

As a former Daddy Warbucks, I can say that Annie is a GREAT show. Don't think that the only good parts are for girls too.

But I don't think I know this group so I can't endorse them. I can only pass along their information. Don't hold that against them though, just check them out when you get there. I don't think they could ask for money if they were not doing something good. The show is also a fundraiser for St. Jude's you could give them a call and see how much they got last year.

Their website looks pretty professional though - check it out. The links below to other parts of their website worked when I tested them.

Auditions for Opening Night Youth Productions' Presentation of

Under the direction of Ms. Dee Hamilton

Opening Night Arts Group will be holding auditions for our Opening Night Youth Productions' presentation of Annie Jr. on December 8 and 9, 2008. These auditions are for a spot in the theatre program which will present Annie, Jr. during summer 2009. These auditions are not for specific roles at this time but are for a spot in the program. Specific roles will be cast next summer during the first few days of the program. This program is primarily intended for children with some prior acting, singing, and/or dancing experience. If you love to perform come on out and audtion - we want to see you!
Proceeds from these performances of Annie, Jr. will benefit St. Jude's Children's Hospital.

Auditions will take place as follows:

You must register for an audition date. We have a limit of 60 children per audition day.
Auditions are for children who are entering the 5th grade through entering 9th grade in the summer of 2009.

Auditions are on the following days:

Monday, December 8, 2008: 5 p.m.-8 p.m.

Tuesday, December 9, 2008: 5 p.m.-8 p.m.

Trinity Christian College
Ozinga Chapel Building
Choir Room and Recital Hall

When you register you will pick your preferred date for the audition. We will make every effort to accomodate your choice, however since there are only 60 slots per day you may need to audition on the other day. You will be notified via email of your audition date. Please be sure to provide a valid email address that you check regularly. You may register for an audition time here.

Please be prepared to perform as follows:

DANCE AUDITION:

Come prepared in comfortable clothes. You will learn a routine at the audition.

SINGING AUDITION:

Girls: Come prepared to sing “Tomorrow”.

Please click this link for music: http://www.broadwayjr.com/audition/auditionlist.asp?ID=1 Choose “Score” under “Annie” and scroll down.
Accompaniment will be provided at the audition.

Boys: Come prepared to sing “Easy Street”

Please click this link for music: http://www.broadwayjr.com/audition/auditionlist.asp?ID=1
Choose "Score" under "Rooster & Lily" and scroll down.
Accompaniment will be provided at the audition.

You can hear a recording of it by clicking: http://www.broadwayjr.com/store/showkitproduct.asp?oid=3

ACTING AUDITION:
Come prepared with an age appropriate 1 minute monologue. The selection may or may not be memorized, actor’s choice. Monologues may be checked out at the library or found online.

AUDITION RESULTS:

Once auditions are complete, the director and producer will choose the program participants. You will be notified via email as to whether or not you have been accepted into the program. Please note that the director and staff will make the decisions they feel will be best for the production and their decisions are final.

We are looking forward to seeing the many talented children we have in our area. The Opening Night Youth Production's Summer Theatre Program promises to be an exciting and rewarding experience for all involved.

PROGRAM FEES:

There is no cost to audition. Once a child has been notified that they will be in the Opening Night Youth Production's program, fees will be as follows:

$300 for Opening Night Arts Group Members
$325 for Non-members

Fee payment will be due in full by January 1, 2009. Payment plans are available.

The refund policy for this program is as follows:
Registration cancelled by March 31, 2009 - Receive a full refund of registration fees
Registration cancelled by June 29, 2009 - Receive a 50 percent refund of registration fees
After June 29, 2009 - No refund will be given

If you would like to become a member of Opening Night Arts Group you may do so here.

Annie Jr. Summer Program Schedule

REHEARSALS:

June 29-July 23, 2009
Mondays-Thursdays 9 a.m.-noon
Trinity Christian College
Ozinga Chapel building
Choir room and Recital Hall

Monday, July 27 - Monday, August 3, 2009
Weekdays 9 a.m.-noon (including Friday)
Trinity Christian College Communications Building
Marg Kallemeyn Theatre

PERFORMANCES:
Trinity Christian College Communications Building
Marg Kallemeyn Theatre

WHITE CAST:Tuesday, August 4, 2009 7:30 p.m.
Thursday, August 6, 2009 7:30 p.m.
Saturday, August 8, 2009 7:30 p.m.

RED CAST:
Wednesday, August 5, 2009 7:30 p.m.
Friday, August 7, 2009 7:30 p.m.
Saturday, August 8, 2009 3:00 p.m.

More information will be provided during auditions and in future emails. If you need assistance now, you may contact us here.

Click here to go to the auditions registration page.

So that's the story. Since there are quite a few parts for boys, especially 7th and 8th grade boys, so don't feel that boys would not have a chance here. In fact, I think you would be at an advantage percentage wise in getting a good part. Since many of the "Adult" roles in Annie are men's roles. FDR, etc. However, this is Annie, Jr. and I don't know how it is different.

If you go for an audition - break a leg!

________________________________________________________________________

A Night of Variety I just noticed that the group is going to do "A Night of Variety" on January 23rd and 24th

Join us for a night of singing, dancing, and comedy as members of the Opening Night Performance Group and Take A Bow Performers entertain you!

Andy Avalos of WMAQ-TV Channel 5 is the Master of Ceremonies

This performance will assist Opening Night Arts Group in continuing our mission to provide contributions to charities throughout the year.

Two Nights Only!

January 23rd and 24th at 8 p.m.

Marg Kallemeyn Theater
Trinity Christian College
6601 W. College Drive
Palos Heights, Illinois

Tickets $17 for members / $20 for non-members
Tickets purchased online will be available at will call at the theatre on the evening of the performance.

Split-the-Pot Raffle! Entertainment galore! Refreshments!

This is a family friendly show so bring the kids along for a great night of entertainment.

We are asking that everyone who attends bring at least one item to be donated to
Operation Support Our Troops. These items will be delivered in care packages
to the men and women on active duty in Iraq and Afghanistan. This is a great way
to show your support to the troops and provide them with much needed and
appreciated supplies. The organization has requested the following supplies:

1. Toilet paper

2. Hand sanitizer (12 oz or less)

3. Lotion for men (16 oz or less)

4. Canned nuts (20 oz or less)

5. Jelly (plastic jars only, 32 oz or less)

Peter, Chief Editor and Spelling Wrecker
The Peter Files Blog of Comedy, Jokes, Satire, Commentary and Videos
Http://ThePeterFiles.blogspot.com

Wheaton Drama Presents A Year With Frog and Toad on Weekends Nov 21 - December 14

2008-12-02T03:34:00.005-06:00

A Year With Frog and Toad at Wheaton Drama

Wheaton Drama, Inc. (WDI), located at Playhouse 111, 111 N. Hale Street in downtown Wheaton, prepares to open its second show of the 2008-2009 season, with the Tony Award-nominated family musical, A Year With Frog and Toad. (Map Link)

Steve Schroeder (left) as Frog and Chris Bruzzini as Toad in A Year With Frog and Toad.

Photo courtesy of Jo-Ann Ledger

A Year With Frog and Toad will be performed from November 21 – December 14. Shows are Fridays at 8pm, Saturdays at 3pm and 7pm, and Sundays at 3pm. Tickets are $21 each, or a Family Four Pack is available for $76. Visit www.wheatondrama.org for more information.
The cast includes: Chris Bruzzini (Toad), Geri Larson (Bird, et al), Carrie Pyykkonen (Squirrel, et al), Margo Raube (Squirrel, et al), Amy Royle (Bird, et al), Steve Schroeder (Frog), Lori Skubich (Snail, et al), and Stuart Vance (Bird, et al).

The show is directed by Carla Mutone, assisted by Tony Farruggio. Production management is by Mary Beth deBolt and Dawn Herbst. Ginger Stephens Terlep is the music director. Choreography is by Carla Mutone and Tracy Adams, and Becky Poole will stage manage.

Director: Carla Mutone
Publicity: Polly Ludena at publicity@wheatondrama.org
Tickets: www.wheatondrama.org or call 630-260-1820

Other shows in WDI’s exciting 2008-2009 season include; Deathtrap by Ira Levin, A Streetcar Named Desire by Tennessee Williams, and the season finale, City of Angels*, with music by Cy Coleman, lyrics by David Zippel, and book by Larry Gelbart.

*Note: I've been in City of Angels and it is an amazing film noir musical and not to be missed when done well. Come to think of it, the only play in Wheaton Drama's season I've not been in is Frog and Toad and if it matches up to the likes of the others, it should be a no-miss for any potential theater goers. Deathtrap is a spine-tingling murder thriller that is the definitive word on the murder thriller, while A Streetcar Named Desire remains Tennessee Williams greatest work on man's heated passions, anger, regret and madness all rolled up in the faded hopes and dreams of New Orleans misty past where it might only take a bit or red paper to create a bit of magic, and an old record to create the romance of the past.

So while I am not familiar with the group, per say, I think it's worth a look-see. Their play reading and selection committee has certainly done an admirable job in picking shows that are entertaining and worth the trek. That is usually the sign of a group worth patronizing. If you do go, let me know what you thought, in case I don't get to go and review it myself.

Peter, Chief Editor and Spelling Wrecker
The Peter Files Blog of Comedy, Jokes, Satire, Commentary and Videos
Http://ThePeterFiles.blogspot.com

See "Bah Humbug" an Original Musical Version of "A Christmas Carol" Nov 29th and 30th

2008-11-26T05:16:00.003-06:00

Event Info

See "Bah Humbug" an Original Musical Version of "A Christmas Carol" Nov 29th and 30th
Only two performances!

Since I won't be able to see Bah Humbug, I got a chance to see one of its tech rehearsals this week instead. From what I saw, the show looks to be an exciting and fun musical rendition of Charles Dickens' A Christmas Carol that will be fun for adults and children alike.

Staying very close to the text of the original novel, Playwright Susan Pagel's script provides an entertaining holiday trip through the trials of Miser Ebenezer Scrooge as he is confronted with his dislike of Christmas by Ghosts and Spirits of the Past, Present and Future.

I have often avoided productions of this show because I have never seen one that was not to me a re-hash of the same old story. But this production is enhanced by singing, dancing, and on-stage fiddling that makes it what could be a family favorite if discovered by a larger producer.

This is a last minute post, but if you want a fun thing to do Thanksgiving weekend, this benefit for Theater on the Move, is just what Santa ordered.

I won't try to Boss you around by saying who, it's tacky to review a show that isn't up, but this Scrooge goes through a transcendent change you won't soon forget.

Sunday, November 29, 2008 at 8:00pm
Sunday, November 30, 2008 at 3:00pm

Location:
Morgan Park Academy Arts Center
Street:
2153 W 111th Street
Chicago, IL 60643

CTA Bus: CTA Route 112
CTA Rail: Red Line to Bus 112 or Orange line to 49, 49a, and 112 EB
Metra: A few blocks west of the Metra Rock Island Beverly Branch

Reservations for open seating: 773-239-2399

Here is some more information about the show and the history of the group producing it. Thanks to the Theater on the Move publicity people for providing it:

Theater On The Move, a subsidiary of Better Entertainment Enterprises, (BEE) will be celebrating it’s 25th anniversary providing entertainment in the Southwest area with it’s musical production of “Bah Humbug!, Dickens’ Christmas Carol with Song & Prose,” at the Morgan Park Academy on November 29th and 30th. The musical tells the story of Scrooge and the four spirits who visit him on Christmas Eve, forcing him to become a more kind and charitable person, keeping the spirit of Christmas in his heart throughout the calendar year. Cast members ranging in age from 2 to 97 will present this family entertainment which was written an adapted from Dickens story by Artistic Director, Susan Pagels ( West Beverly) with musical direction by Catherine Kogut-Simon (Matteson).

Better Entertainment Enterprises (BEE) was founded in 1977 and incorporated not-for-profit in 1978. BEE operated as a touring company until 1984 when a performance and training center (Bethel Performing Art Center) was established in Evergreen Park. The space was a derelict four room parochial school building, about to be demolished, when BEE took it over. Untold hours of volunteer labor and contributions brought it up to fire code and made it a cozy black box theater. After 10 years of continuous productions, BEE found it was bursting at the seams and with the kind support from its members and numerous area businesses moved to a much larger space in Merrionette Park.

The ink was not dry on the lease when pipes bursts in the building, flooding the basement and causing several weeks delay in construction. Despite this obstacle, volunteers worked day and night to create a 300 seat dinner-theater with food services provided by their top supporter, Papa Joe’s restaurant in Oak Lawn. BEE, operated successfully for several years as Struggles Dinner Playhouse until once again, BEE incurred a name change, and became, “Theater On The Move”, traveling to spaces in Crestwood, Alsip, Blue Island and for the past few years Morgan Park Academy’s stage. Since its inception, BEE has provided an opportunity for people in the Chicago metropolitan area to partake in live theater programs.

The Company has produced over two hundred full-scale comedies, dramas and musicals. Two original education children’s productions were performed for over six hundred Chicago and suburban public schools and the theater also sponsored two citywide talent competitions and workshops in the theater arts to local Girl Scout Troops. During it’s twenty-five years of operation, it has trained over 1000 area children with varying abilities and diverse backgrounds, many of whom have gone on to perform professionally and even on Broadway stages.

In addition to seeking the truly talented artist, youths that are emotionally, physically and socially disadvantaged have been given the opportunity to work in a theater environment by BEE. Students from the Pride Alternative School in Oak Lawn and Aunt Martha’s in Chicago are among the groups that have been targeted in the past. Senior citizens have also been welcomed members of many casts and stage crews. Through their training with BEE, these members gained a sense of fulfillment and the confidence to perform in other theaters in the Chicago area.

BEE’s current production “Bah Humbug” has been performed for more than 15 of its 25 years and features veteran performer John B. Boss (Oak Lawn) as the miserly old Scrooge. Playing the spirits are Jack Simon (Matteson) as Marley, Becca Thoss (Orland Pk) and Kaitlyn Frieling (Palos Heights) as Christmas Past, Peter James Foote (Beverly) as Christmas Present and Simon doubling as the Ghost of Christmas Future. Scrooge’s clerk Bob Cratchit is played by Ron Buscemi (Evergreen Park) with Kathy Murzyn (Marquette Manor ) as Mrs. Cratchit and Olivia Aleman (Oak Lawn) and Adrian Arriaga (Chicago) sharing the role of Tiny Tim. Also featured in the cast are Leo Fagan (Chicago Lawn) and Patricia Henaghan (Olympia Fields) as Mr. & Mrs. Fezziwig. The story line is narrated by Susan Pagels (West Beverly ).

Other members of the 57 person cast include: Ashley Mannion, Rachel Olson, Meghan Cronin, Meghan Hurkes, Jenna Hurkes,Callie Pieczara, Emily Killeen, Jackie Haas, (Oak Lawn): Danielle Hamzik (Bridgeview),Alice & Randy Trull (Hickory Hills), Abbey Norton ( Tinley Park), Sarah Conway, Peter Donald Foote (Scrooge as a boy) (Beverly), Nancy Balouris, Ray & Mary Anne Zygmuntovic, John Marozas, Mary Kenealy, Cathy Earle, (Chicago Ridge), Destiny Frejek, Charles Jackson, Gabrielle Berrien, Yvonne & Shesheta McNutt, Brett Arceneaux, Alexander Arnold, Daphne Ziqui, Vanessa Brown, (Chicago) : Christina Jesik, Erin Kelly, Lauren Luchsinger, Scott Sowinski (Mount Greenwood) and Mary , Lauren & Jimmy O’Neal, Jennifer, Jessica, & Michelle Spreadbury, Lauren Merriweather, Katie Scheidt (Oak Forest).

Show times are 8:00PM on Saturday , November 29th and 3:00PM on Sunday November 30th at the Morgan Park Academy, 2153 W 111th Street.

Ticket prices are $15 for adults and $13 for Senior and children 12 and under. Tickets can be reserved by calling 773-239-2399. Kick off your Holiday Season with this much loved classic and help BEE celebrate their 25th Anniversary.

Hope you can make it! Happy Thanksgiving!

Peter, Chief Editor and Spelling Wrecker
The Peter Files Blog of Comedy, Jokes, Satire, Commentary and Videos
Http://ThePeterFiles.blogspot.com

Songs Updated for Baby Boomers

2008-11-23T10:11:00.001-06:00

These hits are being revised with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers.

They include:

Herman's Hermits
Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker

Ringo Starr
I Get By With a Little Help From Depends.

The Bee Gees
How Can You Mend a Broken Hip.

Bobby Darin
Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash.

Roberta Flack
The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face..

Johnny Nash
I Can't See Clearly Now.

Paul Simon
Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver.

The Commodores
Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom.

Marvin Gaye
Heard It Through the Grape Nuts.

Procol Harem
A Whiter Shade of Hair.

Leo Sayer
You Make Me Feel Like Napping.

The Temptations
Papa's Got a Kidney Stone.

Abba
Denture Queen.

Tony Orlando
Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall.

Helen Reddy
I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore.

Leslie Gore
It's My Procedure, and I'll Cry If I Want To.

And an all time favorite:

Willie Nelson
On the Commode Again.

The above came from Mary Ellen, one of our best regular contributors. Remember, you can be a contributor to, just send a joke in a comment, or in an email to thepeterfilesblog @ gmail.com just take out the spaces around the @ sign to make the address work.

Of course, I could not see something like that, without trying to come up with a few of my own.

Andrew Lloyd Weber
Alzheimer Cat
Memories? What?

Elton John
Benny at the Vet's (Admin.)

Robert Palmer
Doctor, Doctor, Gave me the news, I've got a bad case of Diabetes II.
No cake, not Ice Cream too, I've got a bad case of Diabets II.

I lost my license, Now I Trike it.
Katy Perry

No, No, I don't like your health plan!
No, No, I don't need no prunes nor plain bran!
Avril Lavine

I Woke Up Again This Morning
The Partridge Family

Somewhere, I left my Glasses in the House
Wizard of Oz

Drive Very Slow on the Road
Wizard of Oz

Lost in the Big Box Store
Alice Cooper

The Curse of No Name
I'm sitting in the Doctor's can't remember my name
and the kids want to declare me insane
They want the condo in, where was that now
If I don't think, it's nursing room chow.

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow,
Ow, ow, ow...

America

It's My Party, I Can Nap if I Want To
You'd zonk out too, if you were old as me.
Leslie Gore (OK, I admit, this one is derivative)

Feeling Moody
Simon & Garfunk

Bad Knees, Food Stamps and Fleas
Cher

That's enough silliness for now.
Happy Thanksgiving!

Peter, Chief Editor and Spelling Wrecker
The Peter Files Blog of Comedy, Jokes, Satire, Commentary and Videos
Http://ThePeterFiles.blogspot.com

Five Chicago Sports Fans Climbed a Mountain

2008-11-19T04:58:00.002-06:00

Five Chicago sports fans were climbing a mountain one
day. Each was a fan of a different Chicago sports team
and each proclaimed to be the most loyal to there team.
As they climbed higher, they argued as to which one
was the most loyal of them all.

They continued fighting till they reached the top.
The Blackhawk's fan hurled himself off the mountain,
shouting, 'This is for the Hawks' as he fell to his doom.

Not wanting to be outdone the Bulls fan threw himself
off the edge shouting "this is for the greatest team of
the 90's"

Next the Bears fan jumped & said"This is for DA COACH'
the two remaining fans looked at each other in stunned
silence.

After a minute the Sox fan Bellowed..."THIS IS FOR THE
SOUTH SIDE!!!"

THEN HE PUSHED THE CUBS FAN OFF THE MOUNTAIN!!

Hee hee hee. You can tell I'm a South-sider can't you?

My thanks to Andy for this one. No editing needed.

Peter, Chief Editor and Spelling Wrecker
The Peter Files Blog of Comedy, Jokes, Satire, Commentary and Videos

Http://ThePeterFiles.blogspot.com

President-Elect Barack Obama

2008-11-04T22:11:00.006-06:00

CNN.Com Live has just projected Barack Obama as the 44th President of the United States of America. As I type this, I am watching the reaction live in Grant Park through teary eyes, remembering another election year of hope 40 years ago, when two great charismatic leaders, Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., and Senator Robert Kennedy were both stolen from us by crazy assassins.

Those were different times. The U.S. Secret Service was not as good as its job then as it is now, but still the shadow of those times haunts me. The tears I cried as an 8-year old in Chatham flow again in joy, just as I see them now live in the eyes of the Reverend Jesse Jackson's eyes on my computer and I can't help wondering if we are sharing some of the same thoughts.

It's been a long road since 1968. Suddenly the hope that was stolen from so many of us so long ago has been returned with the Election of Senator Barack Obama to the Office of President of the United States of America.

This election has not been about race, it has not been about addressing the wrongs of the past, but for those of us who remember with sadness, with great sadness the tragedies of the past, there is a meaning in this victory, beyond all that was said, that is difficult to express, but it is in the tears that stream down my face now.

There is much facing the country now. What will the new President-Elect do to prepare for his first term? How will he organize all his supporters found through the internet to help support his new initiatives and remind the new congress of the depth of his support? What new tools will he bring to the forefront? What will our new future look like?

We all have high expectations. We will all have to be prepared to give him a great deal of support. Are we ready to face the reality of the mess that we have been left? Are we ready to bite the bullet and dig in? Time will tell.

I am now hearing the concession speech of Senator John McCain. Somewhat earlier than I expected. It is a fine speech. Recognizing the historical moment, remembering the death of Obama's Grandmother, and pledging both his support and asking for the support of the Republicans in helping Obama in his Presidency.

The crowd is listening and reacting mostly politely. The negative reaction to the mention of Gov. Palin is perhaps to be expected. It is a Chicago crowd and many women felt insulted by her approach thinking that she was portraying a sub-intelligent model of a woman. I disagree. I think she was doing her best with the hand and preparation she was dealt with. But I am certainly glad and relieved she is not a heartbeat away from the Presidency.

Obama's acceptance speech: will it be regarded as one of the great American Political Speeches? I think so. I happened to be chatting online with a young friend from the south who had bought into all of the McCain fear propaganda about Obama and was basically afraid of him. I understood her fear.

Obama does represent change. Real change and McCain set him up as the boogeyman for many Americans. Connecting him with terrorists. Calling him a socialist. Trying to make people thing a Christian was a Muslim. Making people suspicious about where his money was coming from in one of the first true grass roots fundraising campaigns in history.

Her fear was natural. In many ways, his speech was meant for her as much as it was for any of us. For the changes Obama wants to make, he wants a united America. A healed America. A Nation in which the divisive politics of fear in which people thing an African-american candidate can win only if stupid people, or poor people vote for him is one of the past.

In the end, she was willing to pray for Obama. That was a lot I think. I think some of the fear was gone. But her disappointment like the disappointment of many, was real and would not go in a day, or after one speech. Actions, not words will be the key for voters like her.

I found Obama's speech to be stirring and exactly right. It was thrilling. A call just like Kennedy's to action. A reminder of the work ahead, not waiting for his inaugural address, but to say off the bat, we need to be ready to work now for change, acknowledging the difficulty of the task ahead, setting the tenor of the administration. And the theme. "Yes, we can."

He quoted Lincoln, he sounded like King, he looked like Kennedy, he was change embodied. And his crowd was America. His audience in Chicago was every age and color, more women than men, more white than black, more young than old. Let's face it, you had to be willing to stand till 11 pm just to see him. That favors the young.

Yes, we can. And in the end, he warned our enemies and embraced our friends. A perfect speech I think. And he reminded us that the win was not his win, but a win for us, and that he now had to earn the job.

I think I'll like this President a lot more than the last few. If I don't, you'll be the first to know. Maybe the VP will give me some material...

Peter, Chief Editor and Spelling Wrecker
The Peter Files Blog of Comedy, Jokes, Satire, Commentary and Videos
Http://ThePeterFiles.blogspot.com

Still an Undecided Voter? Listen to Colin Powell's Reasoning

2008-10-31T11:19:00.004-05:00

Sometimes I write commentary and this is the time for commentary. I have been taking a little break, except for a brief review, and a joke or two, but now that the election is so close, I think it's time for me to say something definitive.

I've mostly just made fun of Bush. As comic, that's been fun. As the worst President in US history he's given me a lot of material. I hope not to have so much material with the next US president.

I am so upset, myself about the situation in this country, it's made it hard to write comedy lately, especially, given how hard things have been for Americans. Making fun of bear markets, foreclosures, students who can't pay for school have left a bad taste in my mouth.

The increasing rancor in this election has been even worse. I think if nothing else, that would have pushed me over the edge. Not since Nixon have we seen the kind of dirty tricks politics that I have been seeing in this election. Calling Obama a terrorist, allowing calls for his death. What decade is this, 1960? These kinds of things are unforgivable. I lived through the riots of the 1960's. The national guard was posted in a park one block away from my apartment when I was eight. I don't want to see a generation of the kids who are in high school right now, girls and boys now, drafted and sent to Iraq, Iran, Afghanistan, Korea and Russia to die under McCain and that is the future I see.

I also see enormous hypocrisy on some of his key issues, the pro-life agenda for one. With all the years of Republican administrations there have been no effective pro-life programs funded that would really make a difference in creating wide-scale options to reduce the number of abortions because they were anti-Republican in nature. If they really cared about the issue the way they say they do, there could have been programs beyond abstinence. Programs for funding education for single mothers of children without husbands, programs for paying for hospital and day-care costs, programs for helping to expand adoptions services. Making abortion illegal was not the only way to go. Did they try to do anything like that. No. Not through Reagan, Bush Sr., Bush Jr. and we can darn well expect nothing of the like to happen with McCain either. Anyone who expects anything different is fooling themselves.

Why? Because the Republican Party is all about taking away options and not giving anything back. That's how I feel about it. Taking away scholarship options, taking away funding of transit, taking away anything that helps individuals.

I don't know what is going to happen in this election. I don't know what Obama is going to do. But I think he is our best chance for a recovering economy. Our best chance for peace. Our best chance for education and a hundred other issues. And yes, if you are a pro-life person who wants alternatives to abortion, I think he is your best chance to get them funded too. In fact, I think its now, or NEVER.

So, listen to what Retired General Colin Powell has to say. I was very impressed. He summarizes a lot of what I felt. I was very surprised that he bought into the Weapons of Mass Destruction debacle. I was pleased to hear him admit his mistake later. He's one of the few Republicans I would vote for, for President, because of his integrity and his clear sense of personal honor. I hope he gets Sec Def back.

And don't be offended by my political opinions. I respect yours. You have a right to them. Just don't expect me to approve any comments with hate in them. And to the military. I support you. I just wish you were home with your families. Tomorrow.

Powell Interview on Meet the Press, Part I
Opening thoughts, his history and knowledge of the candidates.

Powell Interview on Meet the Press, Part II
Troubled by the "Muslim" issue when Obama is a Christian. The commitment and death of Muslim-American Soldiers in Iraq.
His Endorsement for President, who he will vote for in the election.
The William Ayers issue. Connecting Obama to Ayers is a "terrible stretch its demagogory".

Powell Interview on Meet the Press, Part III
"It is not easy for me to disappoint Senator McCain in the way that I have this morning...I think we need a transformational figure, a transformational Change, and that's why I am supporting Senator Barrack Obama."

But whoever you support, don't forget to vote!

Peter, Chief Editor and Spelling Wrecker
The Peter Files Blog of Comedy, Jokes, Satire, Commentary and Videos

Http://ThePeterFiles.blogspot.com

Ken & Dave:Brain to Nowhere

2008-10-31T10:22:00.004-05:00

Got to say, there really hasn't been a campaign song in this election that has captured the hearts and minds of the electorate, until now.

But Ken and Dave changed all that with their song: Brain to Nowhere!

It's a campaign song for Sarah Palin and John McCain, and while I have already voted myself for Obama, I have to say that I can't help letting you know about this song, because, well, great art should be noted.

I know, I know, there is a risk that it could turn the election, but it's in the late days now and it's got a great beat, you can dance to it, so I give it a 95. You just have to hear it. Tell me what you think.

And you you gotta love their backup singers and that piano extro at the end.

You also have to love someone who can admit their candidates', um, liabilities, and love her anyway. So give this ditty a listen, but vote Obama if you haven't already.

And if you're in Illinois, vote no on the Illinois Constitutional referendum. There is a separate call about Blago. But opening up a call about the constitution is just an open invitation to rape teacher, policeman, fireman and other government worker pensions to pay for mismanaged policies of Ryan and his predecessors and wreak other untold havoc. We don't need it.

Here's that video!

And whoever you support.

VOTE!

Even if you are for McCain. I mean that. Don't be a candy *ss.

Stand up and be counted in this election. If you don't vote the politicians think you don't care and that is worse than my candidate not winning. I think.

Oh, and if you are a 1 issue candidate. Ask yourself if your candidates have done anything real for your issue while they were in office. They haven't have they. Nada. In fact, for a lot of issues. Obama is the only one likely to sign off on money that would help the people that would help support your issue. Think about it.

Now, don't forget to vote! (Hopefully, Obama/Biden).

Peter, Chief Editor and Spelling Wrecker
The Peter Files Blog of Comedy, Jokes, Satire, Commentary and Videos
Http://ThePeterFiles.blogspot.com

Up & Coming Theatre's "The Producers" is A Triumph

2008-10-16T23:30:00.001-05:00

As my regular readers know, in order to support the art, every so often I will promote the arts by running ads for Chicago Area Productions, and when I can, and a show runs long enough to merit it, or I can see it before it opens in a short run, I write a review. I attended the performance of Up and Coming Theater's The Producers on Saturday, October 11. 2008.

The Producers
Up and Coming Theatre and
District 214 Community Education
http://www.uactheatre.com/

Short Review: This production of The Producers is a triumph of comedy, satire, song and dance that will leave you longing for more as you laugh and sing your way home.

Change your plans for this weekend and see Up & Coming Theatre’s The Producers on October 16, 17, 18 and 19th or you’ll regret it and your smarter friends will make fun of you. I am tempted to come a second and or third time, myself.

Forest View Theater
2121 S. Goebbert Rd
Arlington Heights, IL 60005

Remaining Performances:
• Thursday, October 16 - 7:30 pm
• Friday, October 17 - 7:30 pm
• Saturday, October 18 - 7:30 pm
• Sunday, October 19 - 2:30 pm

Tickets:
• Call 847-718-7702 Mon - Fri 9 am to 4 pm
• Advance - $15 ($12 with Gold Card)
• Door - $18

Up & Coming Theatre’s current production of The Producers is nothing less than a triumph and I don’t use that term lightly. This production is a hysterical romp, a madcap express train riot and one of the most fun and exciting shows I’ve seen in a long, long time. The cast, full orchestra and crew provided a synthesis of acting, singing, dancing, directing, choreography, orchestra, crew, sets, lighting, and fantastic costuming that left me longing for more.

Director Susan Hamel kept this rollicking farce moving at lightning speed and seemed to never leave an opportunity for an actor or dancer to let a laugh pass by while somehow increasing the pace as the number onstage grew. Choreographer Jennifer Cupani’s marvelous work was not only breathlessly pleasing, but breathtakingly funny as well, and provided everyone in the show, from walker tapping grannies, to Max. Leo, Ulla and the “Springtime” water ballet dancers, a chance to shine as they danced, rolled, shaked, shimmied, Ullalated, Scotterized, or DeBris’d the audience into ecstascy, laughter, or hysteria, whatever the case may have been.

The Music Direction by Thomas Stirling was masterful. The Producers, Jorge Bermudez, Rich McMillan and Mario Manno are to be praised for allowing Stirling the resources to put together a 16-piece orchestra, and what an orchestra, not overpowering, note perfect, and perfectly nuanced, the orchestra provided the track on which this express hurtled so directly towards our hearts. His work with the singers and dancers was superb. While you can never tell what part of a performance’s success is due to the Director and Musical Director, when this many people get so much so perfectly right, you know that their hands must have been strong at the helm of this titan of a musical. I’d call it a Titanic success but this ship did not flounder!

The lighting and scenery by Chelsea Lynn and Robert Hamel respectively added to the fun. While Max’s office seems unremarkable, it is in other areas that the true creativity comes out, and boy does it come out! That’s all I can really say, some things have to be seen in person to be appreciated.

Getting back to Director Susan Hamel, her major triumph was in creating a cohesive whole out of what could have been an unconnected morass of individual bits and “here I am” performances, focusing them, drawing the best out of each performer, until the show had assumed a life of its own, a synergistic cohesion of magic, where a miracle has occurred beyond your wildest expectations. That’s The Producers I saw this weekend. More than worth the 35-mile round-trip I took (twice, I got lost the first time) to get there. It was worth the trip, and more.

This seemingly effortless cohesion of talent ran through the whole show, this cast knew what they could do, and they did it. They knocked the audiences socks off one toe at a time, and then slipped the socks back on so they could do it again.

Now I have to try to write about nearly 30 performers, each of whom in other shows I would probably single out. Oh the tragedy of it, oh the horror! I’m going to leave someone out! And that will be a tragedy, for The Producers, like many shows of its kind, depends upon the company as a whole to keep the show going in so many places, and in this production in particular, it is the company that is the star, from It’s Opening Night, through Along Came Bially, the mammoth, eye-bending, Springtime for Hitler, Prisoners of Love, and Goodbye, the company showcases the stars, but is itself the star, as each member is given their own moments to shine, time after time, after time, after time.

Certainly it helps that the singers can dance and the dancers can sing, the tappers can count, and sing, and dance all at the same time, and all can be funny when they are supposed to be too.

There is a lot of physical comedy in this show and something you just can’t get from a concert, though the music was certainly top quality. From Spidale’s death grip on his blankey, Hamel’s entreaty’s to God, Ulla’s well, Ullaating, Anthony Berg’s incredible antics as the crazed Franz Liebkind, John Boss’s continual antics from the first seconds of his entrance as DeBris to his last moments on stage, and most especially, Dan Naylor’s counter to type dramatic, flouncing, prancing, saucy, bouncy, leaping entrance as DeBris’ Choreographer Scott, complete with saucy belly moves that had young girls there to see him swooning (I saw them Dan, don’t let them deny it, there was swooning); the show’s physical comedy was brilliantly done and helped make the show such a smash hit.

I guess the lead actors helped too. What? Them too?

When meek and mild Leo Bloom (Bob Spidale) mentions off-handedly that a crooked Broadway producer could make more money from a flop than a hit; cynical has-been Max Bialystock (Nicholas Hamel) jumps on the idea – and Bloom – like a crazed mountain lion, starting the two on an misbegotten search for a play “so bad it has to fail”, that has a brilliance, talent and fervor that is a delight for the heart and ears.

Essential to the success of the show is that Hamel and Spidale gel nearly perfectly as comic foils and masters of physical comedy with their own unique talents having many surprises to give. Though both bear some resemblance to the originals, especially Spidale, you soon forget that and get lost in this company’s magical trek towards disaster.

Hamel is nothing less than fantastic as Bialystock, less knowing and cynical than Nathan Lane’s version of the role, his Max sings richer, dances with more grace and with moves that Mr. Lane could only fondly remember. Hamel’s Betrayed, the test of tests for any to attempt this role, is superbly and artfully performed with a deftness and mimicry of the others in the cast that brought roars from the audience. His comic timing and sense of the absurd delight the audience as he pushes Bloom along in Der Gutan Tag Hop-Clop and Keep it Gay. It seems clear that one day, you will remember that you saw Nicholas Hamel in person in a break-through performance for only $18, fondly, if you are clever enough to come.

Bob Spidale is also someone you may well remember seeing first here. His Max Bloom has a golden voice that makes all his songs a delight, but his emotive skills shine though especially in That Face, I Wanna Be A Producer, and that homage to friendship, ‘Til Him. I’d compare him too, but who care about "that guy" when you can see Spidale this weekend?

Like Hamel, Spidale is a great physical comic. Spidale’s sense of the vaudevillian hilarity is never so spot on as when he dives for his “blanky” or fights with Bialystock after the first night of their show. Spidale makes the audience laugh, roar and sigh, as he, Hamel and Malloy triangulate the movements of the audience’s funny bones all night long.

Sarah Malloy’s Ulla literally leaves male audience member’s jaws dropping* when “Ulla dance” and “Ulla dance again”. I turned around to look when I finally was able to wrench my eyes away; the things a critic must do for the art. My eyes are still annoyed at me for taking them off Ms. Malloy. Her husband is not.

Yet, Malloy’s acting and singing chops go far beyond Ulla’s bewitching belly blenderizing as she brings a joyous esprit to Ulla that makes her a joy to watch throughout the show.

Sarah Malloy’s voice as “Ulla Sings” is also quite splendiciously fine, and if her belting is not as loud as Ethel Merman’s, quite frankly, nobody minded, the sound was beautiful and so was she. Malloy’s singing in That Face is particularly beautiful and her performance in the last quarter of the show, as “Ulla acts” brings an almost insane excitement to the part. More importantly, Malloy played a funny, determined, intelligent Ulla, and I continually wondered who was pulling the strings as soon as she entered the story. This was a plot element missing from the modern version, and I liked it.

Well, you’ll have to see the show to see what else she delivered. It was a joy to watch her magnificent performance as Ulla the dancer. Here Malloy, surrounded by all the other dancers in the company not only held her own, but shone showing just how talented Malloy is, and how much more of her than “Ulla” we may see of her some day. *(I am told that the murmurs during intermission that photos N____e and S______a took of husbands with their jaws gaping open were available for sale at a small fee, is just a rumor. Surely participation in theatre could not lead our young youths astray?)

I am afraid it will be difficult to talk about John B. Boss’ performance as the untalented director DeBris with a straight face, he was so outrageously funny, it was only the cast’s rehearsal schedule that saved them from Tim Conway-it is, if you get it? Got it? Good.

John Boss’ DeBris goes beyond staggering in this unforgettably flamboyant performance that had the audience rolling each and every time he made his unique way onto the stage.

Boss’ acting, singing and dancing would have completely stolen any other show had not this cast; from curly tops and producer hats to baby blue tap dancing bottoms and storm trooper boots, not been so finely polished. Boss is a consummate actor, and in what could have been a two-note character part, he produces a symphony, with all the trills and flourishes that his comic imagination could provide, each moment building on the one before it, until that glorious moment when all is revealed and he tops himself once again. And amazingly, the company marches right along with him to glory.

I’ve seen Boss in any number of productions over the years; he’s entertained audiences in all kinds of roles from romantic but unmarried Bobby in Company to geriatric curmudgeon Scrooge in The Christmas Carol, but in this performance, he has outdone himself, going beyond all expectations, superceding all imagination and anything the movie has to offer. If for no other reason, you should see this production just to see John Boss’ DeBris. You will never, ever see anything like it again.

DeBris is the perfect vehicle for Boss who is a magnificent performer in his own right. Tall and bald, his DeBris is a queenly force to be reckoned with, yet played with all the fawning insecurity the part requires. His, um, how should I put it in a family blog, posse, I’ll use that spelling, Will Loftus as Carmen Ghia, Barry Blodgett as Brian, Michael DeFrang as Kevin (and the Soloist Storm Trooper in Springtime for Hitler), Dan Naylor as Scott, and Katy Smith as Shirley, were perfectly cast and perfectly funny. Frankly, I enjoyed this scene far more than I enjoyed it in the movie due to the combined efforts of the cast. Granted, the tension brought to the scene by Spidale and Hamel pushed the laugh index through the roof and Boss’s take no prisoners physical comedy approach made the audience scream. That was before Gary Peterson’s memorable entrance.

Later in the show, DeFrang’s solo in Springtime for Hitler was a showstopper. Superb. No other word for it. Then of course, John Boss entered as “you know who”. From that point on the laughter never seemed to end.

The most difficult part of this review is that there is so much to praise in this production and so little to criticize. I found nothing of note to criticize, and worse, there was something wonderful to point out about every actor on stage. In a cast this large, this makes the review start to take on the length of War and Peace, yet in this case, it might be worth it.

For example, while Will Loftus was amazingly funny and sincerely pathetic as Carmen Ghia, providing Boss a perfect counter-point all the way through the show, yet his deep bass solo near the top of the show in I Wanna Be A Producer is so rich and beautiful that it, in and of itself is worthy of a mention.

Anthony Berg’s startlingly amazing performance and dancing as Fritz Liebkind (and his birds) caught me completely by surprise. Berg brought just the right amount of madness and camp to his portrayal, yet when the time called for tension and drama, he was able to bring it within the lines of the character he had drawn. I doubt anyone who saw his hilarious singing and dancing performance as Fritz, will ever be able to forget it. He should go far.

So who do I leave out?

How about the beautiful and beautifully choreographed tap girls who steal the audiences hearts in I Wanna Be A Producer: it’s easy to single out the tall and beautiful Laura Berger and not-as-tall but beautiful Samantha Giovannetti, since they double as usherettes. At the same time, the gorgeous Nicole Giannelli, Erika Bradbury, Jodi Buczek and Katy Smith, blended perfectly with the others, making the tap girls a unified, funny and sexy unit throughout the show.

Or should I forget to mention the comic genius of “Not her!” Elaine Castor whose frenetic and persistent antics reminded me of the Ingénue in the Royal Shakespeare Company’s “The Critic” from the Chicago International Theatre Festival of the 1980’s? Both women decades apart gave me belly laughs and a near coronary. This company can’t be faulted for not swinging Castro in on a wire, it’s not in the script, but she tries to get back in the chorus line nearly every other way with fierce aplomb, yet in her other dancing characters, could not be a more graceful beauty or refined, if called for.

Speaking of costumes, follies girls Shannon Langland, Erika Bradbury, Mia Hirschel, and Toni Higgins-Thrash deserve special marks for bravery for wearing their staggeringly skimpy and ludicrously perfect costumes during Springtime for Hitler. Come to think of it, I really should have worked tech on this show. It’s only 70 miles round trip, quite reasonable really…

Don’t let me let this tiny bit of wit give the chorus girls short shrift. Their voices were heavenly and did much to make the Busby Berkeley meets Esther Williams choreography near the end of the show work its magic and their voices were as gracefully heavenly as they were. Yep, I really blew it on this one. I bet I could have been the pigeon wrangler…

Double casting was well hidden. There sure were a lot of Bialy girls. Who would suspect that Mr. Marks, The Indian, Donald Dinsmore, and a variety of walk-on storm troopers, theatergoers and prisoners were all played by the excellent, quick changing character actor Gary Peterson? Or that Barry Blodgett covered Bryan, Jason and Cop O’Brien? So, I’m not even going to go there.

Which brings us to the music overall. Stunning, enchanting, surprising, thrilling, powerful, balanced, audible, even, all parts heard, in short everything you want and expect from a show of this caliber. I heard every note and every note seemed to be wonderfully sung from virtually every cast member with a surprising virtuosity of singing from the dancers and dancing from the singers.

The full orchestra was a wonderful surprise, they were an asset to the show, never overpowering, and the actors never struggled to be heard over them, their voices floating easily above them. Tempo was never an issue as the show sailed along in perfect time.

Had this been merely a concert of the show, I doubt that the music could have been better, but it was so much more than that, with a richness of humor and surprises at every turn that made this Mel Brooks comedy, written in the old style of theatrical comedy fly by.

This is perhaps an excellent moment to talk about the virtually perfect tech and the amusing and clever scene changes all guided under the magnificent prowess of Stage Manager Dani Klosowski who kept the show running like a fine tuned Swiss watch. Since the back stage area of the show was undoubtedly busier than O'Hare at Thanksgiving, Klosowski and her crew deserve immense credit for brining off the amazing number of cast movements, sound and lighting cues, scene changes, prop and actor maneuverings and the thousands of little backstage details and riots that happen backstage, that must happen every night, so that what we saw on stage happens without a flaw.

The dance sequence after DeBris is signed up may be in the script, or it may have been improvised as a nod to the Mambo scene in Guys and Dolls, in any case it was a howl and covered effortlessly a scene change between DeBris' house and Bialystocks’ office with fun and esprit. Moments like this made the show fly by with fun and imagination. Keep your eye on who pulls those curtains though, I promise, it will be worth it. The sets and lighting were magnificent with too many touches to go on without spoiling the effect. But the big numbers were big and beautiful because of them. Robert Hamel’s sets deserve all the kudos they got after the show.

Other unsung Tech and Production Staff Heroes?

• Technical Director - Vlad Novikov
• Master Carpenter - Grant Wenger
• Scenic Designer - Bob Hamel
• Lighting Designer - Chelsea Lynn
• Sound Designer - Tom Scanlon
• Accompanist - Kelli Shibuya
• Props Coordinator - Michelle McDonagh
• Publicity - Phaedra Wells
• Production Assistant - Lindsey Weiss

(Anyone willing to type in the orchestra into a comment, please let me know!)

So, now you have a decision to make. Do you say to yourself, wow, what a review! Too bad I can’t go? Or do you pick up the phone and make a reservation? I can only urge you to go. It’s on your conscious now, but I’ll leave you with this thought.

I've been less consistent about writing this blog lately because of a massive back injury that has me in constant pain. I don’t usually mention it because while in comedy pain is funny, listening to whining about it is pathetic and boring. But I’ll tell you this, after 4 years of constant merciless pain ranging from 3-9 on a 10 point scale, I’m always in some level of discomfort. Always. So I was expecting to see this show after such a long ride through a wall full of misery and have to upgrade my opinion to compensate for the agony.

I'm not sure when the laughter became so overwhelming that I forgot my misery and just enjoyed the show, then became overwhelmed with laughter and was anesthetized by it completely, but the effects of the joy and laughter lasted through two acts, some talking with the cast, crew and audience after, the whole 35 mile trip home, and for several hours later, a painless interlude for which the cast and crew have now earned my undying friendship. It's literally been years since I've felt this good. Thank you for that. It might not be a miracle, but the laughs you gave me were the best over the stage medicine I’ve had in a long time.

Thank you to all concerned. If I left you out of this review, my profound apologies, just leave me a note and I will correct it. I hope to add the names of the musicians at a later date for the record.

Correction 10/15/08 Jodi Buczek tells me that I accidentally omitted the awesome Samantha Giovannetti. Probably not the first time someone has made the Giannelli/Giovannetti mistake during this production. I have still to clear up whether "Sam" was also one of the Usherettes. Nicole who I first gave that credit to is a brunette where as Sam is a blonde. I distinctly remember a blonde Usherette. But, was that a wig? So many mysteries. Guess I will just have to go back and see the show again. Corrections like this are most gratefully received.

Correction 10/16/08 Stage Manager and Technical Staff accidentally omitted were re-added to the review. Also on the cutting room floor. My sister had a baby this week, what can I say?

Peter, Chief Editor and Spelling Wrecker
The Peter Files Blog of Comedy, Jokes, Satire, Commentary and Videos
Http://ThePeterFiles.blogspot.com

Forget About Me: Our First You Tube Video

2008-10-16T23:29:00.003-05:00

Here at the Peter Files Blog of Comedy We are Proud to Present our First Home Produced Video
Forget About Me

This is Perhaps one of the most stupid videos you will ever see. But watch it anyway and comment.
Thank you.

Peter, Chief Editor and Spelling Wrecker
The Peter Files Blog of Comedy, Jokes, Satire, Commentary and Videos
Http://ThePeterFiles.blogspot.com

Major Earthquake and Aftershock felt in an Pedro La Laguna, Guatemala at 1:45 local time

2008-10-16T15:15:00.000-05:00

Dateline: San Pedro La Laguna, Guatemala

At 1:43 pm Local Time an earthquake was reported by Emily Zielke head of the Proyecto Huertos Escolares/ School Garden Project: Lago Atitlan, Guatemala in San Pedro La Laguna, Guatemala, with a serious aftershock at 1:45 pm local time.

Zielke, a recent graduate of a double MA program at American University (Natural Resource Management/ Sustainability and International Development), reported that many residents were running around in consternation but had seen no damage so far.

The Proyecto Huertos Escolares/ School Garden Project: Lago Atitlan, Guatemala has been designed to assist local schools meet the unfunded demands of feeding children in local schools as well to improve the quality of the food grown.

Paypal donations to the group can be made at: emily.zielke@gmail.com

Peter, Chief Editor and Spelling Wrecker
The Peter Files Blog of Comedy, Jokes, Satire, Commentary and Videos
Http://ThePeterFiles.blogspot.com

Democrats and Others Are Changing Their Middle Name to Hussein

2008-10-15T12:17:00.006-05:00

Dateline: America

Dems Change Middle Name to Hussein because it rhymes with brain.

Peter Files Blog of Comedy Political Souses report a trend of Democrats nationwide changing their middle names to Hussein in support of Barrack Obama, Democratic Presidential Nominee for President.

A new Facebook Group was formed today "People Who Call Themselves "Hussein" in Support of Obama" when it's originator, who declined to be quoted noted "The number of those with facebook listings with "Hussein" as their middle name was "Over 500" and many or most of these were ordinary American names. I'm just organizing a trend that already exists.

The groups purpose:

Are you tired of the growing hate in this election?

John McCain's and Sarah Palin's Personal attacks on Senator Barrack Obama have gone beyond the point where they can be considered within the bounds of political fair play.

Now most people with common sense know that these "Ad Hominem" attacks by McCain-Palin are a desperate attempt to replace the lack of a real program that is helpful to any but the uber-rich.

It's time to put an end to the personal attacks on Obama that go beyond the boundaries of record or common sense but play on old fashioned "race politics" that should offend us all.

Go ahead. Take a stand. Put part of Senator Obama's name in your name, yes, that part that McCain and Palin want to "scare people with"!

Ooh, "Hussein" isn't that unfamiliar foreing sounding name sooo scary, you dumb hick Joe Six packs"!

By speaking out, whether in your Facebook name, your status messages, in an email message, a button, a sign in your window, by making Hussein part of your name today you can help deprive the McCain-Palin camp of one of its weapons of fear. The kind of weapon Adolph used. Now there's a name people hate.

The terrorist who once owned "Hussein", gave it its meaning and its fear value is dead. We should now take it back and give it back to the many people of worth who were born with it and deserve the common dignity of personhood.

Why should the actions of one now dead, cruel and vicious dictator reflect on any of them anyway? Why do we act like sheep about something like this. We have gone beyond this, or should have.

It's this sheep like, herd-like mentality that fear-mongers like the McCain-Palin ticket are depending on to deprive us of our chance at meaningful change at this election.

If you pledge to "change your name", be it for a minute, an hour, a day, a week, a month, or forever, you support a change from the totolitarian fear-based politics that can ruin a nation.

You don't have to be pro-Obama to do this.

Of course, you will find many friends here if you do.

However, if you do this experiment, you may find out who among your friends has a sense of humor and who does not. And in doing so you might find yourself a supporter of Senator Barack Hussein Obama, after all.

And remember this, it is just a chance of fate that you were not born with the name Hussein in your name.

Senator Obama has nothing to do with this group.

Turns out, this is a real Facebook group. Well, will you join the effort too?

Peter "Hussein", Chief Editor and Spelling Wrecker
The Peter Files Blog of Comedy, Jokes, Satire, Commentary and Videos
Http://ThePeterFiles.blogspot.com

The Producers by Up & Coming Theater October 10 - 19, 2008

2008-09-12T19:19:00.011-05:00

In keeping with the Peter Files Comedy Blog's effort's to support area theatre, here is some information on a great production. Based on the cased and crew in this production it should be a laugh riot. Don't miss one of the funniest plays now off-Broadway.

Up & Coming Theatre

in Partnership with

Community Education District 214

Proudly Presents our Fall 2008 Show

Showtimes:

• Friday, October 10 - 7:30 pm • Saturday, October 11 - 7:30 pm • Sunday, October 12 - 2:30 pm

• Thursday, October 16 - 7:30 pm • Friday, October 17 - 7:30 pm

• Saturday, October 18 - 7:30 pm • Sunday, October 19 - 2:30 pm

Theater:

Forest View Theater (Map)
2121 S. Goebbert Rd
Arlington Heights, IL 60005

Tickets:

• Call 847-718-7702 Monday - Friday 9:00 am to 4:00 pm.
• Advance - $15 ($12 with Gold Card)
• Door - $18

Cast:

• Anthony Berg - Franz Liebkind

• Laura Berger - Usherette

• Barry Blodgett - Various

• John B. Boss - Roger De Bris

• Erika Bradbury - Tap Dancer

• Jodi Buczek - Tap Dancer

• Elaine Castro - Ensemble Dancer

• Michael DeFrang - Stormtrooper/Set Designer

• Nicole Giannelli - Tap Dancer

• Samantha Giovannetti - Tap Dancer

• Nicholas Hamel - Max Bialystock

• Toni Higgins - Hold Me Touch Me

• Mia Hirschel - Lick Me Bite Me

• Shannon Langland - Follies Girl

• Will Loftus - Carmen Ghia

• Sara Malloy - Ulla

• Peter Masterton - Jack/Accountant

• Dan Naylor - Choreographer

• Gary Peterson - Mr. Marx/Indian

• Katy Smith - Shirley Markowitz

• Bob Spidale - Leo Bloom

Staff (Not on Poster):

• Technical Director - Vlad Novikov

• Stage Manager - Dani Klosowski

• Scenic Designer - Bob Hamel

• Lighting Designer - Chelsea Lynn

• Sound Designer - Tom Scanlon

• Accompanist - Kelli Shibuya

• Production Assistant - Lindsey Weiss

Up & Coming Theater has available staff positions some which have pay and all of which gives practical and educational experience:

Available Staff Positions:

• Master Builder/Set Carpenter
• Lighting Board Operator & Spot Operators
• Properties Coordinator
• Hair/Wigs & Makeup

Please send resume or letter of interest indicating position desired to UACTheatre@aol.com or to P.O. Box 473, Arlington Heights, IL 60006.

And for those of you who know John Boss, who plays Roger De Bries, one of the more flamboyant characters in the show, he has supplied this photo!

You can tell from this costume of Roger De Bris, that this will be a lavish production!

Looks like I am finally back to regular posting. Sorry for the delay, my health has been off. Hope you have been using the time to explore the archives.

Peter, Chief Editor and Spelling Wrecker
The Peter Files Blog of Comedy, Jokes, Satire, Commentary and Videos
Http://ThePeterFiles.blogspot.com

P.S. The Producers of the Producers should contact me with errors or omissions, requests for a review of the show or offers of comps at thepeterfilesblog at gmail dot com Thanks!

Back in the Saddle Again?

2008-08-28T07:04:00.002-05:00

We're Back! I think!

For those of you who have been coming back of the month of August hoping to see some kind of change for the last month and finding none, my apologies. I hope you took a chance and visited out archives and found some of the treasures buried in the 600 or so posts there.

Since this is mostly a comedy blog I won't go into the details, but I could skip living through this last few months again. Deaths in the family, personal crises, illness, pain, all this kinds of things, you are not coming here for. But, things are looking up and so, I think you should be able to see a return to regular postings here.

Regular? Two to three times a week, usually in spurts.

I discovered that the RSS feed isn't working right, I have to figure out how to fix that. If yours IS working right, leave a comment and let me know. I did manage to get the comment interface working better and some other features cleaned up.

If you have a child, hug them, watch them closely if they are near the water. A young relative drowned this summer. I have a young child. The stuff of nightmares. It's been almost a month now and he effect of the support of our community on the parents has been profound as all those who feel "there but for the grace of God go I" in this situation have extended their hearts and love to them.

I know that those in our house have, and if you pray, I invite you to do so for them and any of those who have lost dear ones of any age for any reason this summer.

I also lost another friend, who was my one of my best friend's uncles. A finer kinder person you would be hard pressed to find no matter how bright a light you had to shine on the world to fine one. Wise, funny, and neat to the point of a methodological that might have driven even Felix Unger mad were it not for the kindness and gentleness in which he practiced it (he did not expect others to be able to practice what he preached, he merely enabled them gently, when they visited him).

George was an enabler of the highest and best sort. An educator, a scientist, a friend, and 'weather' he enabled the world to understand his field of science to advance in unique and powerful ways, or his colleagues and students to grow and flourish as a result of knowing him, or the world to retain works of beautiful music that might otherwise have been lost, George enabled so many to a better life in many ways.

I got to know him first when my friend, his nephew became quite seriously ill, the kind of thing that only a small percentage survived, even in the early 1980's. That my friend survived was due to his courage in being willing to participate in experimental treatment, some luck in being in the right experimental group, some gumption on his own, and the knowledge of the deep and constant support of his 'Unc' who was there for him in ways that no one else could be, not even myself - poor as a church mouse as I was at the time I could not afford to fly to Seattle to be with my friend through the bone marrow transplant and other procedures, I was only able to talk to him by phone and letter. Not good enough. But Unc was a conduit of information to me.

I was terrified that I was going to lose my best friend at the time, in fact, I was in a play called Da, by Hugh Leonard, in which the main character is diagnosed with cancer and has to deal with the approach of his death at that very time. Since it was one of the few paying gigs I had gotten I couldn't help accepting, and it was worth it too, one of the best performances I ever gave. I played the older Kearns who learns some things about himself that he wished he had not by the end of the show and goes through a complex and complete emotional breakdown on stage. A subtle bit of work that shouldn't be forced; in the end, my fears about my friend came out every night on stage.

The audiences thought I was inspired. I knew the truth. I was petrified that my best friend would die in the middle of the production and that I would be unable to continue and would never work professionally again. Through all of that time, the wires between "Unc's" house and mine, and his hotel in Seattle and mine, ran hot and heavy. He gave me updates, I gave him humor pointers for cheering up my friend. It was a conspiracy of kindness to make sure he had the kind of support he needed to survive other storms brewing around him via the females of the species.

Over the years after that, Unc became Grunc as my friend's uncle became a grand Uncle. And I got to know him and his fastidious ways better. Having dinner with him was a real treat. First of all, he was a wonderful cook. Tasty and low fat. But then, watching him clean his kitchen was like watching a man in love with it. He looked very much like Jeff Smith, once known as PBS's the Frugal Gourmet, and took great care to clean his kitchen counters fastidiously. Just....so.

Every crumb came up off the tables and counters. Every particle of dust off the floor into the dust pan. Every unwanted spec into the garbage can under the sink, and every night, without fail, Grunc would take that paper garbage bag out of its container, raise it to the counter top, fold the edges so that the creases were razor sharp and meticulously fold the top down so that there was no possibility that any part of the contents could seep out. On some occasions, if seepage might become a problem, he might add a plastic bag outside the paper bag and put another paper bag around those two, just so that they appeared neat and strong.

Then, once folded neatly and correctly, Grunc would walk the package down the hall, open the door to the utility closet leading to the garbage chute, and his package would ever so neatly descend to the bottom. If, on rare occasions, Grunc had reason to believe that his 'parcel' did not reach the bottom without 'incident' he would then feel compelled to check, by taking the elevator down to the basement and investigating the matter. More than once he found an incredible mess because the garbage contractor had failed to show up to remove the waiting container that collected the garbage that waited at the bottom of the chute.

Grunc would then call the building super who more often than not was grateful to Grunc since no one else would tell him and he would be stuck cleaning up the mess. Grunc lived in a very old, prestigious building near the Museum of Science and Industry, but it was large enough generate a lot of trash.

Some times Grunc's fastidiousness could be hard on those he loved and he knew it, but he just could not help himself. He just wanted to make things easier for people.

One time my friends sister was visiting town and had a 19 year old nanny that wanted to see some of Chicago. They knew that I had been a tour guide and I got volunteered to her around town based largely on Grunc's, not my friend's character recommendation.

Since we would be returning possibly late, (Very late, O.o) Grunc felt that we needed instruction in how to open the door quietly, and to my chagrin and the whole group's stunned amusement proceeded to give a demonstration on how to put a key into a lock and turn it. LOL

I always suspected that he was planting a subconscious idea in both our heads, but it didn't take, at least on her part (rats). But the image of Grunc, in the hallway, bent over the lock, turning sideways with his funny crooked smile, looking half up as he demonstrated the best way to put the key in the lock and turn it just - so(!) to get it to open quietly, will ever remain in my heart as the quintessential Grunc moment.

I think you will have gathered by now that I came to love this old man who let me into his life as a friend as he did not so many others. Of course it was largely due to the fact that I cared deeply for his nephew, but we were both scientists, my lab was less formal, but we talked about my work a few times and he was greatly surprised when he understood the stringency of my methodology, which for a government operation, might not have been so strict. He read a number of my papers over the years and gave helpful comments, brief, it was not his field, but helpful, mostly in that he recognized in a way that others important to me in my life could not, the meaning of some of my achievements professionally. He truly understood them.

His death came as a surprise as I knew it would. Grunc was a private person. When I knew it was coming near I made sure to send him a note that at lest hinted at my feelings. I wanted to get together with him one last time but I suspected that I had missed my window and when he was hospitalized I was not given an opportunity to visit or call him. As I went through the stages of death I was quite angry about this for at least an hour. But that passed. I know that Grunc did not want me to remember him that way and now I don't.

I compare my healthy memories of Grunc to the memories of a six-year old cousin in her coffin and I know which ones I prefer. Funerals are hard for me. Especially the funerals of children. I guess that's true for everyone. But when you are the parent of a child the same age as the deceased it hits really close to home. More than I wanted to say.

So, back to the comedy in the next post.

Peter,
A little saddle-sore - but as the Jesuits say, if it doesn't kill you, it builds character.

Peter, Chief Editor and Spelling Wrecker
The Peter Files Blog of Comedy, Jokes, Satire, Commentary and Videos
Http://ThePeterFiles.blogspot.com

Jokes, Thoughts and Prayers About Growing Older

2008-06-30T15:49:00.003-05:00

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker
came up to the very elderly widow and asked,
"How old was your husband?" "98," she replied.
"Two years older than me"
"So you're 96," the undertaker commented.
She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?

Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
"And what do you think is the best thing
about being 104?" the reporter asked.
She simply replied, "No peer pressure."

The nice thing about being senile is
you can hide your own Easter eggs.

I've sure gotten old!
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes
I'm half blind,
can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
take 40 different medications that
make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia.
Have poor circulation;
hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
I still have my driver's license.

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,
so I got my doctor's permission to
join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But,
by the time I got my leotards on,
the class was over.

An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and
told her preacher she had two final requests.
First, she wanted to be cremated, and second,
she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.
"Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed.
"Why Wal-Mart?"
"Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

Know how to prevent sagging?
Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

It's scary when you start making the same noises
as your coffee maker.

These days about half the stuff
in my shopping cart says,
"For fast relief."

THE SENILITY PRAYER:
Grant me the senility to forget the people
I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and
the eyesight to tell the difference.

You don't stop laughing because you grow old.
You grow old because you stop laughing.

Thanks to my friend Tom B. for this one!

Peter, Chief Editor and Spelling Wrecker
The Peter Files Blog of Comedy, Jokes, Satire, Commentary and Videos
Http://ThePeterFiles.blogspot.com

The Girl At The Beach: A Reader Joke From Tom

2008-06-29T22:48:00.002-05:00

The Girl at the beach

A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the
Beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at
The beach almost every day. She wasn't unusual, nor
Was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing;
She would approach people who were sitting on the
Beach, glance around furtively, then speak to them.

Generally, the people would respond negatively and she
Would wander off. But occasionally someone would nod
And there would be a quick exchange of money and
Something she carried in her bag.

The couple assumed that she was selling drugs and
Debated calling the cops, but since they didn't know
For sure, they just continued to watch her.

After a couple of weeks the wife said, 'Honey, have
You ever noticed that she only goes up to people with
Boom boxes and other electronic devices?'

He hadn't -- and said so.

Then she said, 'Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and
Our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can
Find out what she's really doing.'

Well, the plan went off without a hitch and the wife
Was almost hopping up & down with anticipation when
She saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave.

The man then walked up the beach and met his wife at
The road.

'Well, Is she selling drugs?' she asked excitedly.

'No, she's not,' he said, enjoying this probably more
Than he should have.

'Well, what is it then? What does she do ?' his wife
Fairly shrieked.

The man grinned and said, 'She's a battery
Salesperson.'

'Batteries?' cried the wife.
'Yes ...' he replied -

'She sells C cells by the seashore'

Thanks Tom, for one of the worst puns ever to appear in these files. I wish, oh how I wish I could take credit for it, but no, it goes to you for finding it. And all the blame. If you think you can out-do this pun, send me one in a comment or at my email address. Thepeterfilesblog at gmail dot com and tell me if or how you would like to be attributed credit.

Peter, Chief Editor and Spelling Wrecker
The Peter Files Blog of Comedy, Jokes, Satire, Commentary and Videos
Http://ThePeterFiles.blogspot.com

Learning from Kids: Things that Really Happened and Then Some

2008-06-28T19:10:00.003-05:00

Things learned from real children - mostly boys:

1. A king size water bed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.
2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
3. A 3-year old boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.
5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on when using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh", it's already too late.
8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9. A six-year old boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
10. Certain Lego pieces will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old boy.
11. Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
12. Super glue is forever.
13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15. VCRs do not eject "PB &J" sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18. You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.
19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.
20. The fire department in our town has a 5-minute response time.
21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.
23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
24. If you absolutely MUST know what that odor is, try looking under the radiator covers for last year's easter eggs. Hopefully they will only be one year old.
25. Get you kids in the habit of hiding only plastic easter eggs for their easter egg hunts. The decorated ones make a bad mess. The raw eggs make a bad, disgusting and smelly mess that never goes away if there is the slightest gap in your floorboards. Your only alternative: Move.
26. Now that glass soda bottles seem to be making a return: never, ever, under any circumstances, store unopened glass soda bottles in the car near any of your children's feet. Unless your spouse is a lawyer.
27. A four-year-old child can resort to hiding his favorite toy at the top of a 40-foot tree over a glass strewn alley if pressed. Do not yell at him while he is at the top of the tree.
28. When in *nice* restaurants watch your children like hawks if you see them touch things like salt and pepper shakers, mustard and ketchup bottles.
28. The sound of a 7-year-old girl who has gotten ketchup all over her white easter dress after her brother played with the top does not bear describing.
29. If you hear the sounds "white whale, white whale" coming from your pool or the lake you are staying near, it is already too late, your children's butts have already been exposed to the sun for anyone nearby to see.
30. When changing a child's diaper at a very large public venue, such as a concert at Grant Park in Chicago, it is helpful if your picnic blanket is not at the top of the largest hill in view. That way if your little girl gets away from you sans clothes, the chances that she will run to the top of the hill spinning like Maria Von Trapp for the entire Midwest to admire during the quietest part of Peter and the Wolf, will be substantially reduced. Duct tape helps too.
31. It may take more than one police search of your house to find a child asleep in a clothes basket in a bedroom closet.
32. Even the second time she disappears, and that's the first place everyone looked.
33. Two adults are not enough to capture a child hiding under a baby grand piano.
34. The travel time before it is impractical to drive a child hidden in their friend's car so that the parents are forced to let them stay overnight at their friends is one hour. Fortunately, the time a child can stay quiet in the back-back seat of a station wagon is usually less than 10 minutes.
35. War between kid brothers usually stops just before an actual serious injury involving death occurs. Numerous trips to the hospital for stitches are normal and should be considered usual growing up pains.
36. If during the summer, a sister turns her brother's hair bright orange, he is entitled to put a screen over her while she sunbathes asleep to give her a checkered tan - once. This will remind her not to fall asleep sunbathing which is dangerous anyway.
37. It does not matter how slowly or gently you loft it, a softball thrown with enough umph to reach the 2nd floor back porch, has enough umph, to float ever so gently through the plate glass window of the 2nd floor back porch door.
38. When handing your son a brand new generator saying "don't drop this, it's expensive", its a good idea to be sure he is not watching the neighbor girl walk by in short shorts or it will wind up broken on the ground when he drops it.
39. If you work at summer camp and sleep on a metal cot, avoid running the electric wires for your alarm clock under the sharp round feet of your bed lest "Sparky" become your new camp nickname. (The mattress pads were rubber thank God.)
40. When rolling the world's largest snowball off the flat roof of your school onto the first person who opens the side door, its a good idea to have a spotter so that you don't drop it on the principal.
41. The demonstration of Mike's Civil War Fort would have been perfect. The buildings were perfect reconstructions, he had even mixed his own black powder and poured it through and between the non-flammable buildings to show how one of the forts would have been torched. As the fire went through building to building his one mistake became evidently clear. His non-flammable materials were plastic straws. As billowing clouds of black smoke poured out of the school windows we out out the three foot flames in seconds, but by then 2 companies of fire trucks were on the way. The smoke filling the second floor of our school. We were dismissed for the day. Mike was a hero. Not for nothing did Mike have the reputation of being the smartest boy in school. Seen as an honest mistake, he didn't even get in trouble since the teacher let him start the fire. Brilliant.
42. 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.
43. 90% of the Women who read this will start checking the tightness of ketchup containers wherever they go.

My thanks to AMR for sending this to me. You can be a contributor too. Just send me an email at thepeterfilesblog at gmail dot com or put your joke in a comment and I can include it in a post of its own. Just tell me how you would like to be recognized, or not. In this post I was responsible for number 23 on plus a few more. So I know those really happened. The rest, well they certainly had the ring of truth, now didn't they?

Peter, Chief Editor and Spelling Wrecker
The Peter Files Blog of Comedy, Jokes, Satire, Commentary and Videos
Http://ThePeterFiles.blogspot.com

Stimulus Bribe Received

2008-06-20T19:52:00.004-05:00

I don't know about your household, but we got our George Bush Vote for The Republicans Stimulus Bribe Check last week. Oops, did I call it a bribe? Certainly not. A bribe would have to have a chance of working and who in their right mind would think that the paltry sums contained in the, as comedian Chevy Chase would have put it, economic stimulus (bribes) checks would be near enough to pay for the vast damage done to our economy my W.

I wouldn't even try to put a price tag on the lives lost fighting (trillions) in Iraq if I had my way, because the lives of those brave service woman and service men who died in the service of their country were priceless. The fact that they were sent there by a lying no good idiot does not demean the bravery and nobility of their service one tiny bit, nor the service of those there now.

Those in the service of our country are stuck with the commander in chief we vote for. Thankfully, both of the current candidates have to be far better than the current monkey in chief. Don't they. Well certainly Obama is. I have some trouble with McCain, but I don't think he is an idiot. No one could be as dumb as our fearless leader.

Perhaps I am being charitable by suggesting that W is in fact dumb. Perhaps he knew exactly what he was doing all the way along. Frightening thought isn't it. Suppose where we are today, deeply in debt, gas prices at an all time high, trapped in an expensive and costly war with an ungodly number of dollars, are we up to $ trillions yet, spent on an ill focused war, exactly where W wanted us to be at the end of his administration?

Is this possible? Would it be legal? Would it be a violation of his oath of office to protect and defend the American Constitution? Would it even be, as some have suggested, be treason?

Thank God this is a blog of Satire and not some serious publication or scholarly news program like Fox TV where I might have to come up with facts to support such a supposition. You know that I have got to be kidding.

The President of these United States would never risk prison by doing such naught things. I mean, its not as if his successor would ever pardon him! Ha! That could Never happen! Nixon who? You mean that really happened once? You mean a President who was probably guilty of a few crimes resigned from the White House and then was issued a blanket pardon by his successor? Like wow. What was his name? Nixon?

Never heard of him. Oh, that's that dude that died awhile back. They made a movie about him once didn't they? Didn't Robert Redford play him? Or was it O.J. Simpson, I get confused about those older dudes.

(Satire, satire.)

So, I have a modest proposal, a 25% tax on the gross revenues of all companies doing business in Iraq, plus a 25% tax on all Oil Company gross revenues, with the proceeds to be divided equally between all taxpayers for the next 10 years or until our soldiers come back from Iraq for the former (including mercenaries), and gas prices drop until Oil company profits are under 5%, without exaggerated costs.

What's the justification?

It's in the national interest and in the interest of homeland security.

Oil and gas prices currently drive the cost of all other prices. The desire to make huge profits at our expense with a vital resource has been irresponsibly used at a time when we are at war. So, take control of the industry and give the money back to the taxpayers who have been paying through the nose for it. At least enough so that the industry will self-regulate itself.

Whatever you do this fall, don't base your vote on this stimulus bribe. It'll be gone in gas and grocery bills, long gone by November anyway.

And Don't forget to declare it on your 2008 income tax return. Since no taxes were deducted from it, it'll probably be a pretty big hit next April, long after the election is over.

Peter, Chief Editor and Spelling Wrecker
The Peter Files Blog of Comedy, Jokes, Satire, Commentary and Videos
Http://ThePeterFiles.blogspot.com

Point-Counter-Point: Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road

2008-06-09T17:54:00.006-05:00

Point-Counter-Point: Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road

Welcome to Point-Counter-Point we have a huge and varied panel today and so I want to get right to our topic today and ask a question many Americans are asking:

WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

BARACK OBAMA:
The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a CHANGE! The chicken wanted CHANGE! And by crossing the road he got the CHANGE that every American wants and will get by voting for me in November!

JOHN MCCAIN:
My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.

HILLARY CLINTON:
When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure -- right from Day One! -- that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me, it's about all you chickens who can vote, and all you chickens who HATE the people who want to CHANGE the way you cross the road.......

DR. PHIL:
The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must
first deal with the problem on 'THIS' side of the road before it goes
after the problem on the 'OTHER SIDE' of the road. What we need to do is
help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his 'CURRENT'
problems before adding 'NEW' problems.

OPRAH:
Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he
wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn
from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to
give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and
not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

GEORGE W. BUSH:
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to
know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is
either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

COLIN POWELL:
Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image
of the chicken crossing the road...

ANDERSON COOPER - CNN:
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been
allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

JOHN KERRY:
Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it!
It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's
intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

NANCY GRACE:
That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his
eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN:
To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART:
No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a
standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price
dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider
information.

DR SEUSS:
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the
chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY:
To die in the rain. Alone.

GRANDPA:
In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told
us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS:
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the
chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it
experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its
life long dream of crossing the road.

ARISTOTLE:
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

JOHN LENNON:
Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.

BILL GATES:
I have just released eChicken2007, which will not only cross roads, but
w ill lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check
book. Internet Expl orer is an integral part of the Chicken. This new
platform is much more stable and will never cra...#@&&^(C% .........
reboot.

ALBERT EINSTEIN:
Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON:
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of
chicken?

AL GORE:
I invented the chicken!

COLONEL SANDERS:
Did I miss one?

DICK CHENEY:
Where's my gun?

AL SHARPTON:
Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.

SIMON COWELL
That has to be the worst performance by a chicken that I have ever seen. Get than thin legged little pullet out of here!

PAULA ABDUL
Oh, look at the cute little chickee. Don't you just love it Randy? Simon? It just makes me want to cry? Simon, what's wrong? Where are you going with that hammer? No, No, NOOOOOOOO!

Once again, thanks to my friend MES for submitting this!

Peter, Chief Editor and Spelling Wrecker
The Peter Files Blog of Comedy, Jokes, Satire, Commentary and Videos
Http://ThePeterFiles.blogspot.com

Fast Kids

2008-06-08T00:11:00.003-05:00

Everyone complains that today's kids aren't on the ball as much as yesterdays kids. Yet, here's some evidence that maybe they are smarter than some people think.

___________________________________

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America

MARIA: Here it is.

TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?

CLASS: Maria.
____________________________________

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?

JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.

__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'

GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'

TEACHER: No, that's wrong

GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
____________________________________________

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?

DONALD: H I J K L M N O.

TEACHER: What are you talking about?

DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.

WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?

GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '

MILLIE: I is..

TEAC HER: No, Millie...... Always say, 'I am.'

MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
_________________________________

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry
tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't
punish him?

LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
______________________________________

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?

SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________

TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's.
Did you copy his?

CLYDE : No, teacher, it's the same dog.
___________________________________

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?

HAROLD: A teacher.
___________________________________

TEACHER: What do you call a person who is interested in whatever a teacher has to say, whenever she happens to say it?

MARY ELLEN: Her husband.
___________________________________

Another one from Mary Ellen, but I noticed that she got it from her friend Colleen. Thanks Mary Ellen!

Peter, Chief Editor and Spelling Wrecker
The Peter Files Blog of Comedy, Jokes, Satire, Commentary and Videos
Http://ThePeterFiles.blogspot.com

The Importance of Word Fluency

2008-06-07T23:58:00.002-05:00

Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle.

The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.

The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.

Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, "The first one who can use the words 'liver' and 'cheese' together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me."

The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says, "I love liver and cheese."

"Oh, how childish," said the Poodle. "That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever."

She turns to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and says "How well can you do?"

"Um. I HATE liver and cheese," blurts the Golden Retriever.

"My, my," said the Poodle. "I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as the Lab's sentence."

She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, "How about you, little guy?"

The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell Chihuahua.

He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says....

Liver alone. Cheese mine!

If you haven't guessed it already, its clear out the email night. Three posts in one night! This one is pretty darn good and comes from Mary Ellen. Thanks for a great one. You could be great too. Just upload a comment in a post and tell me what kind of credit you want, full name, first name, city, state, whatever. All the comments I get are scanned for approval first so your personal details won't go up there without my OK.

Peter, Chief Editor and Spelling Wrecker
The Peter Files Blog of Comedy, Jokes, Satire, Commentary and Videos
Http://ThePeterFiles.blogspot.com

Nursery Rhymes for Modern Times

2008-06-07T21:39:00.003-05:00

And now it's time for some nursery rhymes dressed up for today. These were forwarded by my friend TB and made SFW by me. I have also added a few. In some cases you can guess where I made the poem SFW, its pretty obvious.

Mary had a little pig,
She kept it fat and plastered;
And when the price of pork went up,
She shot the little ..... pig.
********************
Mary had a little lamb.
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
Between two chunks of bread.
********************
Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the pie man,
'What have you got there?'
Said the pie man unto Simon,
'Pies, what are you, simple or something?'
********************
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To have a little fun.
Stupid Jill forgot the pill
And now they have a son.
********************
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings' horses,
And all the kings' men.
Had scrambled eggs,
For breakfast again.
*********************
Old King Coal was a Merry Old Soul
And A Merry Old Soul was He
He called for His Pipe
And He called for His Bowl
And He called for his Doctors Three
Who Told him he had inoperable cancer
So He left town with the Princess from the next kingdom over
And they lived to a Merry old age
But with a suddenly empty treasury
His entire kingdom starved to death that winter.
********************
Hey diddle, diddle, the cat took a piddle,
All over the bedside clock.
The little dog laughed to see such fun.
Then died of electric shock.
********************
Georgie Porgy pudding and pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
And when the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too 'cause he was gay.
********************
There was a little girl who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good, she was very, very good.
But when she was bad........
She got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo, and a sports car.
********************
Jack was nimble, Jack had luck, until he skitched under the panel truck,
ready to go, his shoes his skies, upon the snow, slid like the breeze,
but then one day, Jack made his mark, when the panel truck, in the dark
happened to roll, while Jack briefly hovered, over that open, manhole cover.

Jack was nimble, Jack was rash, but nothing could stop him, from that 14 foot splash.
********************
Little Boy Blue, you ate some lead, now you're funny in your head
all it took were little paint chips, to make your neurons do crazy flips.
********************
Mary, Mary, you're quite scary
dressed now all in black
We hear you're doing time now
cause they caught you doing crack.
********************
Hot cross buns, hot cross buns
$20, $30, $40, $50
Hot Cross Buns....
********************
Mary had a little lamb,
a little pork, a little ham,
a little cake, a little pie,
Then went on NBC's The Biggest Loser and Won,
Me, oh my!
********************
Lindsay Lohan's Falling Down, Falling Down, Falling down,
Lindsay Lohan's Falling Down, My bare Lady.
Take her keys, suggest rehab, suggest rehab, get her a wrap,
Take her keys, suggest rehab, and no more Paris Hilton.
********************
Three Blind Branches, Three Blind Branches,
They don't seem to work, They're all filled with jerks
The last two elections were very sad
now we have a chance to redress what's bad
But will we vote, but will we vote?

Well those are my nursery rhymes for the 2008's you can guess maybe which ones are mine completely and which ones are older.

Anyway, hope you like them. Send them to your friends if you do. We can use the visitors.

Peter, Chief Editor and Music Director/Lyricist
The Peter Files Blog of Comedy, Jokes, Satire, Commentary and Videos
Http://ThePeterFiles.blogspot.com

Great Advice From Dr. Phil?

2008-06-07T21:10:00.004-05:00

Recently on his program Dr. Phil proclaimed, 'The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started and have never finished.'

So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, and before the morning was over I had finished off:

a bottle of White Zinfandel,

a bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream,

a package of Oreos,

the remainder of my old Prozac prescription,

the rest of the cheesecake,

some Doritos,

and an entire box of chocolates.

You have no idea how freaking good I feel right now.

Pass this on to those whom you think might be in need of inner peace.

Thanks again to MES for passing this gem along. Presented with only mild editing on my part.

Peter, Chief Editor and Spelling Wrecker
The Peter Files Blog of Comedy, Jokes, Satire, Commentary and Videos
Http://ThePeterFiles.blogspot.com

Back in The Saddle Again: Why I Was Off: A Fairy Tale Retold Stereotypically

2008-06-07T19:30:00.005-05:00

Hi, I'm back.

You may have noticed a little gap in posts. This has happened before this time of year and will probably happen again. Sorry about that. The fact is that some years ago I lost my one of very best friends+ on my memorial day weekend some years ago and you'd think I'd be over it by now, but I'm not. People say a lot of "Shoulds" about things like this, or "normally"'s. But the fact is when it comes to people you really care about, should and normal don't really apply, especially when the circumstances that separate you are things that should not have happened, and were very far from normal.

That's all I am going to say about it. After all, this IS a comedy blog, and I don't want to bring you down. But if you want to infer any more, note that I never do jokes about airplane crashes.

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Da Tree Liddle Pigs

Once upon a time dere were tree liddle pigs. The straw pig, the stick pig and the brick pig. One day dis nasty old wolf came up to da straw pig's house and said, "I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down." And he did !!!

So da straw pig went running over to da stick pig's house and said, "Please; let me in, da wolf just blew down my house." So da stick Pig let da straw pig in. Just then da wolf showed up and said, "I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down." And he did !!!

So da straw pig and da stick pig went running over to da brick pig's house and said, "Let us in, let us in, da big bad wolf just blew our houses down!" So da brick pig let them in just as da wolf showed up. Den da wolf said, "I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down." You can imagine dat da straw pig and the stick pig were so scared dad dey almost made a mess! But dese Pigs, dey had self-respect, and no matter how scared dey were, dey held demselves together.

Instead of being scared, da brick pig picked up the phone and made a call.

A few minutes passed and a big, black Caddy pulls up. Out step two massive pigs in pin striped suits and fedora hats. Dese pigs come over to da wolf, grab him by da neck and beat da living daylights out of him until he was crying like a little baby, then one of them pulled out a gun, stuck it in his mouth and fired, killing da big bad wolf as an example of what happens when you mess with made pigs. Den dey tied big cement blocks around his feet and trew his sorry tail into the creek.

Den dey got back into dere big black Caddy and drove off, not a hair out of place, nor a wrinkle on dere suits.

The straw pig and stick pig were amazed!!! "Who da heck were dose guys?" they asked da brick pig.

"Dose were my cousins, he said nonchalantly... da Guinea Pigs.

Gotta love dose Italians. "

Tanks to my friend Mary Ellen for dis here joke, which I have re-grammatized for effect.

Peter "I remember where da spots formerly was!"

The Peter Files Blog does not mean to offend persons of any ethnic origin by publishing such a joke/pun, especially those with access to automatic weapons, big fists and cement. We hope that this humor will be taken in the smae good nature that more famous work such as The Sopranos, The Godfather, Goodfellas and other light-hearted fare.

Peter, Chief Editor and Da Spelling Wrecker
The Peter Files Blog of Comedy, Jokes, Satire, Commentary and Videos
Http://ThePeterFiles.blogspot.com

Chicago, The Musical, at Holiday Star Theater, July 19, 20, 25, 26, 2008

2008-05-18T13:33:00.011-05:00

When I first came back to Chicago's South Side Community Theater scene after a long gap from doing shows in Chicago, my first part was Pablo in the Beverly Theater Guild's 1984 production of A Streetcar Named Desire directed by Brian Leo, who took a chance on me, being an unknown talent to those casting out there at the time, and to a degree, to myself.

The show went very well, and to my surprise, I got lots of laughs in places where I realized that I should have known that there could be, and only one that there shouldn't have been (Stanley and I managed to break the bed during the fight scene in one performance when we tripped going through the unsupported door frame between the kitchen and the bedroom).

Afterwards a tall, thin person came up to me and asked me if I would like to be in a show that was going up in only three weeks at a nearby theater. His name was John Boss, and that show introduced me to many people who helped me meet people who led me to be in a series of 40 some shows that spanned 1984 - 2004.

I saw John last weekend during the intermission of "Moon over Buffalo" (that I reviewed last week) and reminded him that I am happy to promote productions when I am able - he assured me that he had remembered, and sure enough, in this morning's email was a notice that he was appearing as Mary Sunshine in the Holiday Star Theater's production of "Chicago" starting July 19th.

John is a very talented actor and Holiday Star Theater books really fine acts, so I am sure that you will find the show worthwhile, If you go, you may even pass me in the lobby. The details from the theater follow:

Star Productions is pleased to announce this year’s full scale regional presentation of the smash hit musical “CHICAGO,” scheduled for July 19, 20, 25 and 26 at Merrillville’s Star Plaza Theatre. (Directions)

The 20's are roaring with hot jazz and cold-blooded killers. Filled with passion, greed, corruption, murder and non-stop dance, Bob Fosse's “CHICAGO” is one of the sexiest musicals to ever hit Broadway.

Honored with six Tony Awards and one Grammy, this drop dead musical features classic show tunes "All That Jazz," "Razzle Dazzle," and "Roxie.” Star Productions secured the rights to this exclusive area engagement after the successful national tour of “CHICAGO” made a stop at Star Plaza Theatre this past March.

The regional cast stars Tina Dohl-Menconi, re-creating her NIETF award-winning role as villainess Velma Kelly; Charlie Blum also re-creates his role as the fast-talking attorney, Billy Flynn. Jenna Rose Underwood plays Roxie Hart, Mary Jo Williamson returns to the Star Plaza stage in the role of Matron Mama Morton, with J.J. Boylan as Amos Hart with John Boss rounding out the lead cast as Mary Sunshine. Add the accomplished ensemble cast of 17 singers and dancers, and this sexy musical comes to life for four performances.

This regional theater production of “CHICAGO” is being produced by Star Productions, directed by Kurt Gillins, choreographed by Lyn Knight, with musical direction by Bill Woods. For tickets, call the Star Plaza box office at 219.791.1234 or Ticketmaster 312.559.1212. Star Plaza is located at: 8001 Delaware Place, Merrillville, IN. Ticket prices are $25 – Main Floor; $20 – Mezzanine.

This is a Peter Files Blog Recommended Show. No money or consideration was received in advance for this promotion.

Are you a theater person with a show to promote? Perhaps a friend of mine who would like to see their show promoted in this way? Be like John, send me the information needed to put a post like this together and time and health allowing I'll be happy to do it. Send me whatever you can: show information, production dates, cast lists, links to pictures, bios, directions and even your ticket office. THE EARLIER TO BETTER. While theater posts do get many dozens of hits, its always a shame when people visit only AFTER your production is OVER.

The more you information you give me, the more I can put up. But, you don't have to know me to send me a listing. Community theater productions are especially well treated. I am also happy to update posts as you get new information like cast information and photos. You can leave me information in a comment, leave your email address in a comment which I screen, so I will copy the address, delete it and email you for more information, or email me at: {thepeterfilesblog AT gmail DOT com}

Peter, Chief Editor and Avant Garden Theater Promoter
The Peter Files Blog of Comedy, Jokes, Satire, Commentary and Videos
Http://ThePeterFiles.blogspot.com

Note: The Graphics on this page belong to the original copyright owners and may not be used for commercial purposes without permission. If the use of any graphic on this page is not allowable. It will be removed at the request of the copyright owner or its legal representative at once. All use is intended to promote the best interests of copyright owners.

The Girls Screamed 69!

2008-05-18T13:07:00.001-05:00

One spring day I was walking past the athletic field of a local girls high school the other day and a throng of high school girls behind its fence were were shouting enthusiastically "69.... 69.... 69...!"

As they kept it up, I got more and more curious, but the wooden fence was too high to see over.

I knew better of course, but when I saw a little gap in the planks, curiosity got the better of me and I looked through to see what was going on.

Then one of the girls poked me in the eye with a stick.

They all started shouting '70.... 70.... 70...!"

If you thought this was a dirty joke, shame on you! This blog is a clean blog, but sometimes people with dirty minds come to the wrong secretions. Here we strive to be always Safe for work, home, truth, justice and the American way. Wait, based on internet usage that seems to be p.... Never mind.

Thanks to Andy for this joke that I have twisted all out of proportion. You can send me a joke too and get credit if you wish. Just send it to: {http:// thepeterfilesblog AT gmail DOT com}.

Remove the extra spaces, replace the at and dot with an @ and . and you'll have the address. Add the word Joke in the title line please. Tell me if you want credit for you. I don't do ANYTHING with your email address, except maybe make friends with you myself. I hate spam.

Peter, Chief Editor and Spelling Wrecker
The Peter Files Blog of Comedy, Jokes, Satire, Commentary and Videos
Http://ThePeterFiles.blogspot.com

Photo Tip From The Peter Files Blog of Comedy Photo Editors

2008-05-12T11:46:00.005-05:00

We got my wife a new digital camera for Mother's Day and its amazing how much progress the automatic settings have made since my last purchase 5 and a half years ago.

Still even with something like 30 preset settings, taking control of your focus and flash settings can make a big difference.

If you are not a confident digital camera user you may not be aware that pushing the shutter about halfway down before you take the shot allows the autofocus features, or whatever features you have enabled to do a better job than if you just push the take photo button without that little delay.

Another way to improve your pictures is to make sure your details come out well is to use the flash setting even if you don't think you need it. On today's cameras the autoflash settings are good enough that the camera can often tell for example if there is too much backlighting, even if the sun is out, and you need some front flash so that your images/faces can be clearly seen.

Look at this example (not my wife). Here we see how great a difference there is in the image with and without Flash!

Really unbelievable isn't it?

Of course shutter speeds are getting faster these days which may account for some of the differences in the two photos as well.

Hope you enjoyed it.

Thanks to Nick for finding this picture!

Peter, Chief Editor and Spelling Wrecker
The Peter Files Blog of Comedy, Jokes, Satire, Commentary and Videos
Http://ThePeterFiles.blogspot.com

Beverly Theatre Guild's Moon Over Buffalo, Collins, Massaro, Nearly Kill Audience with Laughter

2008-05-11T23:46:00.001-05:00

I don't often engage in post production reviews, but in the case of the Beverly Theatre Guild's one weekend production of Ken Ludwig's Moon Over Buffalo, the production was so fine, the acting so outrageous and sublime, that for the benefit of future audiences in the area who often have only a one or two weekend run to see a BTG show, I felt that it was worth the effort to tell you what a marvelous gut-wrenching laugh riot you probably missed this weekend at Chicago's Beverly Art Center at 111th and South Western Avenue.

I've taken the liberty of reproducing parts of the program so that if you recognize the names of these actors in listings of productions in local papers in the future you know that you should make the effort to toddle on down to the theater to see them in action.

There wasn't a single performance that wasn't worth seeing in this extremely well directed production by director Tobi Lowrance with assistance from Assistant Director Francesca Scalzi who took a great script updated it with a combination of new and veteran actors and crafted a fast-moving and emotionally moving comedy and farce of high order.

Moon Over Buffalo, the story of 1950's couple George and Chalotte Hay, the touring repertory family company stars of the style of the Lunts, the Barrymores, or the Zimablists, who displaced by film and television, find the profitablility of the road touring companies drying up and their way of life dissapearing. They are facing the possibility of fiancial and relationship ruin when they get a phone call suggesting that film director Frank Capra will be in the Matinee audience of the day's show to see if George is fit to take over the lead of his new film, just as he has lost two of his own essential players.

The BTG's production was a door-slaming, sword-fighting, knee-to-groin below the belt guffaw generator of the highest or lowest order, depending on how you look at it. Joe Collins as George and Meg Massaro as Charlotte under the direction of Lowrance and Scalzi make us wonder sometimes if the War of the Roses was kid stuff as Michael Douglas and Kathleen Turner did not play people who had the whole repetoire of classic theatre to fight, kick, scratch, curse and make asses of themselves with.

Both actors tender the performances of their lives with split-second timing, perfect delivery, no fear of looking foolish in either of them, both hungerly seeking the comic truth in each and every moment of the show, yet at the same time, they show that the other side of hate is deep and abiding love, not indifference, and the changes both George and Charlotte go through during the course of the show, as they beat by beat avoid the easy way out of each line or moment in the show, and provide the audience with richness and emotional truth instead in a way that is stunningly honest and laughingly true.

Massaro and Collins are perfectly matched. Massaro's antics reminded me of Carol Burnett with a kind of subtle restraint while prancing across the stage in antics of anger, hostility and rapturous joy, that make her highs more realistic and just as funny as Burnett.

Collins, known widely as the voice of WBBM's traffic reports, and a community theatre veteran, gives what is perhaps the best and most challenging performance of his life. An expert in physical and character comedy, Collins is forced to add the romance of Romeo, the pathos of lear, the errors of Falstaff, and the drunken blindness of Stanley and Merrythought.

As George plunges though the stormy seas of this farce, swooping up and down, driven by the winds of fate, opportunity, his own stupidity, and the heights of fortune and misfortune, instead of a farcicle charade of a man, Collins gives us a man complete, torn by the pain he has brought to those he loves, wracked and ruined by remorse, blindly attempting to get on with it anyway, until at last our everyman falls, the great fall and lands as low as any man can, worse yet, in front of an icon of his dreams, the key to his future. Neitzsche or Kafka could not have planned it so well.

At this point in the show, many actors, would allow the script in hand to carry him on, riding on it to safely breezing through to the end; but Collins takes emotional risks in keeping with his growing maturity as an actor, baring his emotions in a way that gives Massaro room to do the same. So at the end of the farce, instead of a lighthearted wrapping up of ends a la Charley's Aunt, we have the two confronting the pain and trauma they have endured in their lives together and grow, together, changed by the ordeal they have suffered, to become someone new while remaining to themselves true.

Breathtaking and moving. I wish you could have been there. Watch for the cast in other productions.

Their daughter Roz, played by Lisa Marie Marciano and her estranged ex-boxfriend Paul played by Lorenzo Blackett are forcefully thrust together by the circumstances of the day in which Roz had only intended to introduce her new fiance Howard, played by David Korzatkowski to her parents, but is sucked back in to the chaos of the day by the disappearance of the production's Ingenue Eileen, played by Tiffani M. Moore. Marciano and Blackett are wonderfully cast and provide both a dramatic and, it must be said, very steamy, dramatic tension, that adds to the sweetness of the farce. Korzatkowski and Moore both bring and empty headed playfulness to their roles that crank up the tension, humor, and guffaws at just the right time. Like Collins,Massaro, Marciano and Blackett, Korzatkowski has an incredible sense of physical comedy, perhaps equal to that of Joe Collins who's own mastery of the physical comedic art form stops the show at three or four points, minimum.

In fact, it should be noted, that in the performance that I saw, Collins was so funny, that his last antic at the end of a scene in Act II, caused a second wave of laughter to start well after the blackout, as the audience re-visualized what they had seen him do just before the lights went out. Something I have never seen in 45 years of theater. A new spontaneous wave of laughter spreading through the audience while sitting in the darkness, starting a good 15 seconds after the lights went out, without a smart alec comment to trigger it. Unbelievable. Joe was just THAT funny.

Rick Baker was also excellent and very believable as Richard, the love-struck friend who wishes to steal Charlotte away from George and their near poverty and terrible traveling conditions. Presaging the aging baby-boom romanic love interest, Baker is suave, debonair, and quite convincing a someone who George could perceive as a threat to take away the woman he truly loves, Charlotte because of a moments weakness.

In every farce of this caliber there has to be a foil that comes in and out delivering sharp lines to skewer the leads. In this show it is Ethel, Charlotte's mother and the bane of George's existence played by South Side theater veteran Jan Dignan. Saying just how long Dignan has been treading he boards out here with her sister Choch would be telling. But this is truly one of her best performances and she plays the part of the wiley, cantankerous mother and seamstress with joy, verve and cunning nastiness and with a great deal of depth. One of her best performances as well and I have seen many of them.

So why did I love this show so much. I've given you a good deal of plot, but nothing that would make you laugh I think. That's because a great deal of the humor comes directly from the acting and directing in the show. It has to stand as one of the funniest shows I have ever seen (that of course I have not been in myself...).

I laughed hard and long and so did the rest of the audience. There were constant surprises. Hardly a line went wrong. The timing and tension required to keep the show moving was constantly upheld. Nary a line was swallowed. The pacing was fabulous and the cast seemed to know JUST How long to hold for a laugh to allow the audience to laugh.

And the show moved fast. A credit to the actors and directors. With intermissions the show ran well under two hours. It easily could have run 20 minutes longer with a less experienced cast. Lowrance and Scalzi seemed to have an instinct for getting the best out of their cast, using their strenghts to their best advantage.

Moore for example, the ingenue with something extra, who causes a huge fuss between George and jealous Charlotte, plays the wide-eyed innocent with aplomb until the time comes to reveal that she has more underneath than some had suspected and she gets exactly what she wants. Played to a t.

Blackett's performance as the frenetic manager and lover, and a much more determined lover than able manager, is a perfect foil to George as George freaks out, (Woody Allen on steroids without the accent), In his unique non-George way Blackett panics about whole groups of issues, but not when it comes to Roz. His changes when it comes to Roz are as surprising and funny, as they are tempting and disturbing to Roz's confidence in her engagement. Paul is after all, looking for an engagement of another kindl For a moment we think we are about to see another show altoghether when a plot element breaks the two apart before anything really good happens. Whew! It had been getting hot in there.

Marciano's conflicts as the daughter in search of normality, trying to break away from the perpetual craziness of her parent's life is also compelling, except, when disaster strikes, she is sucked back into it all to easily.

Credit must go of course to the writer of this gem, Ken Ludwig, who captured so well the essence of the times and the desires of those who wished to grasp fame and maintain their life on stage before it melted away.

So, were this show to go another weekend, which it cannot, sadly, I would have soundly recommended it. Instead, the best I can do is say, remember the actors, and the directors, and the group, the Beverly Theatre Guild, one of Chicago's oldest community theater groups.

Next Season BTG Plans to produce:
The Irish drama Dancing at Lughnasa by Brian Friel, October 24-26, 2008
The Musical The Full Monty by Terrance McNally and David Yazbek, February 6-9,2009
The Comedy Twentieth Century by Ken Ludwig, May 8-10th, 2009

You can print the form on this page to order season tickets and save $12 or more on ticket prices.

Hot Trash From the Audience: There was speculation about how full the monty would be for the full monty, and a few jokes in the audience about whether we would want to see some of our friend's montied at all. I assured those I sat with that I was not intending to audition as I wanted to help BTG build an audience rather than send them running to the exits, possibly scarred for life. More on that when they get closer to the production next year.

I am tired after being wired from the excitement of a great production so I hope the cast and you will forgive any typos herein. As always if you have a theatre production in the Chicago/NW Indiana Region to Promote send me the information well in advance to "Thepeteterfilesblog" At "Gmail" Dot "Com" and I will be happy to post what I can.

It helps a lot if you give me something in ready to post format. If you have pictures, especially at a website that I can link to, give me the links, or send me the photos as attachments and I will be glad to post what I can. As time has passed I do get quite a bit of response from actors knowing quite a few of them myself.

Finally, congratulations to the whole cast and crew of Moon over Buffalo. While I spent more time on Collins and Massaro, a production this complex does not succeed without incredible coordination and effort both onstage and backstage, a true ensemble effort. A.D. Scalzi was also the Stage Manager for the show, something she has a gift for. The show has a nightmarish number of entrances and exits, yet she looked calm and collected before the performance. The tech for the show was also perfect and the sets by Emil Zbella were also superb (as always Emil).

Peter, Chief Editor and Spelling Wrecker
The Peter Files Blog of Comedy, Jokes, Satire, Commentary and Videos
Http://ThePeterFiles.blogspot.com

Feedback to My Email Forwarding Friends

2008-05-10T00:04:00.006-05:00

A message to all my friends who correspond with me mostly by forwarding email that scares them:

I just want to thank all of you for your educational emails over the past year.

Thanks to you:

I can no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel.

I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.

I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking your nose. (although cell phone usage may be taking the number one spot) .

And don’t forget…..lemons!!!! Don’t get them in your drinks (if they still have the peel). Dirty hands are everywhere!!!!

Eating a Little Debbie sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom. Yuck!

I must send my special thanks to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

But that is O.K. because I am in the process of helping a wealthy dying Nigerian Businessman transfer funds to banks in the U.S. and I will receive $ millions for helping him do so.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!

When I do drive, I can't drive at night for fear that a gang member will blink his lights at me and if I don't blink back the right code he will shoot me.

I now have to separate the 'Luckies' from the 'Charms' because if you eat them both together they will turn into a secret chemical that turns your skin green every St. Patrick's day.

Having visited it once, I now have to visit The Peter Files Blog of Comedy Satire Jokes Commentary and Videos every week because a competitor hacked this blog and now anyone who visits this blog or reads a forwarded post from it gets a special cookie that will melt down their computer's CPU if they don't visit at least once a week, every week. Though I hear if I forward this post to 50 people, the cookie will be removed from my machine once those 50 others visit the blog.

But I have a way to get back at you all for all you have done for me. This is really, truly, true, so you'd better do what I say!

If you don't forward this post to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump that looks like Britney Spears.

I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician...

Have a wonderful day....

Oh, by the way......

A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity surf the internet with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

Thanks to my friend Tom for forwarding the email that contained these gems.

Note: this post is a work of fiction and satire. Except for the part about the consequences for failing to forward this post, all the things stated above are satire, parody, comedy and entirely fictional, especially if a trademarked product name appears. Those names belong to the trademark owners. Similarities between the names above and actual trademarks are a coincidence and nothing in this post should be considered a comment about any real product or trademark. Really. I have not stopped shopping or buying any of the products indicated above. Especially Diet Coke. Anyone who heeds internet warnings without checking that they are scams deserves all the anxiety they get. Dr. Pepper anyone?

Peter, Chief Editor and Spelling Wrecker
The Peter Files Blog of Comedy, Jokes, Satire, Commentary and Videos
Http://ThePeterFiles.blogspot.com

CNN on Britney Spears

A Modest Proposal: The 4-day Work Week to Reduce Commute Costs and Gas Use

2008-05-09T13:08:00.001-05:00

In the previous post one of my jokes was that we should move to a 4-day work week in summer time to help reduce fuel oil consumption.

I added to it that the work day should only be 9 hours long instead of 10. In effect, this would reduce the summer work week from 40-hours to 36 hours, but on 4 days instead of 5.

The benefit of this would be to reduce commuting gas consumption by 1 day per week per auto now commuting, or by about 20% while reducing the number of hours worked in the week by 4 or 10%.

It was initially a joke, but here is our chance to think about it. Is this such a far flung idea?

First, let's look at the idea of a four-hour per week cut in working hours since that would make the whole plan more workable. Ten hour workdays are long. Even with an extra day off per week, they are very hard. Nine on the other hand are not so bad.

An 8 to 4:30 day would become 8 to 5:30. Dinner would be later, but not horribly so. This would be offset by an extra day without work and commuting.

Next. Say most American's commute at least 1 hour per day round trip. In Chicago, many commute 2 -3 hours per day. So, losing one day's commute nearly entirely covers the longer days at work. In essence, by working longer four days a week the length of one day's total commute, many workers will then save not only the day worked, but that day's commute as well.

Now, for this to work, legislation would also be required so that full-time employee status/perks would not be lost by working 36 instead of 40 hours in the summer. There would be expenses required in altering payroll and accounting software to do this, but this has to be compared to the vast sums in fuel costs saved both in immediate savings at the pump, and in lowered prices because of lowered international demand.

While we may no longer be the whole international fuel consumption story anymore, a drop in U.S. fuel consumption caused by a 20% decline in auto commuting mileage might very well have a significant effect on gas prices.

Why do this in summer? To start with there are two big reasons.

In summer time the amount of sunlight available here is much greater. You work an extra hour a day and there is still plenty of sunlight left when you get home to spend time with the kids, your family, or your online connection. In winter, it will just be darker.

Also, as a summer program, the day off will be in the nicest weather of the year, when people are most inclined to play hooky and take spontaneous days off anyway. This program might actually help reduce summer absenteeism and help employers save money on their benefits packages.

How do we decide who gets to take what day off? Good question. One could argue that for maximum efficiency at the workplace everyone should take the same day off, Monday, Wednesday or Friday. In this way it will seem to the rest of the U.S. as if nothing has changed. We all start and stop at once and everyone is there when everyone needs us there for work reasons.

There is at least one disadvantage to this method however, it does not maximize fuel savings in areas with dense auto traffic. In areas like Chicago it would be much better for people to pick their own day off each week of the five, or rotate them, so that the reduction in normal summer auto commute traffic is spread through the week. Spreading out the reduction in auto traffic across the days of the week would reduce traffic congestion to its maximum and reduce gas wasted by stop and go traffic patterns.

A flaw in the system could be, let's be honest, is that if traffic gets too light that it might encourage those who use public transportation to drive instead because the hassles of driving are reduced.

However, this might be offset by reduced crowding on Public Transportation vehicles during commuting times. Making public transportation more comfortable and reliable since most schedule delays such as bus bunching occur due to unexpected overcrowding on a bus route. System planners would have to take into account that the commute flows would be longer, but the work schedules for transit workers already put more vehicles out in the early evening than are needed to complete an 8 hour day for transit workers.

Yep, there's a complex problem, how do you handle the 36-hour week for employees in jobs like bus and train operator? Carefully at first. Though they already hire summer help since most transit workers want to take a vacation in the summer just like everybody else. They may just wind up "picking" their summer work schedules just like they do now. With as little flexibility as they do now, but with the same degree of reliability for themselves.

Oh, that leads to the overtime question. When does it kick in? After 36 hours or 40? Good question. I think that might have to depend on business size. But since employers would be gaining some efficiency by having workers focused on a more limited number of days and being able to alter hiring during the summer to use workstations differently, having 10-15% more employees if they desire without increasing office space, it might be that over 9 hours in a day where all 36 were worked would have to be the rule. However, to what degree should we discourage employers from creating 5th day overtime among salaried employees.

A lot I should think. But then again, we are in an economic system that encourages many extra hours and hard work. So perhaps for exempt employees this does not make sense at all. But perhaps, at least for one season a year, it should.

Well, some initial thoughts on a modest proposal, more modest than that one by Jonathan Swift at any rate. Easier to swallow too.

Oh, we could combine it with another idea I had, legislated 40% parking discounts for those who show up with 3 riders in a parking lot in downtown areas that are in ozone non-attainment zones. Or wherever air pollution is bad. There might have to be some kind of tax rebate to garage operators to help pay for this, but the benefits in reduced auto usage would be substantial.

What are your thoughts on this. I'm looking for ideas to help make something work. Not catcalls on why all ideas are doomed to fail. What better ideas do you have?

Oh, yes, if people are at home one day a week they may do some driving as well. But home-based non-work trips tend to be a lot shorter than driving to work commuter trips so probably the gas usage will be lower. The emissions might not because of something called the "cold start" phenomenon. Of course, if the weather is really sweltering, getting the auto engine up to maximum fuel efficiency should be a lot quicker in the summer in cold areas than in the winter.

It is so nice that the nice warm weather is starting to be regular here!

See:http://edition.cnn.com/2008/BUSINESS/05/09/oil.prices.ap/index.html?iref=topnews

Peter, Chief Editor and Spelling Wrecker
The Peter Files Blog of Comedy, Jokes, Satire, Commentary and Videos
Http://ThePeterFiles.blogspot.com

Ways to Reduce Gas Prices and Energy Production Costs

2008-05-09T12:46:00.004-05:00

Mandatory free school busing in all school districts reduces parent auto drop-off and pick up use.

Methane collection vents in the top of all rib joints, firehouses and country bars.

Whether events are inside or outside, the use of mandatory portable wind-powered electricity generators at all political election events, fundraisers or debates.

Threaten oil-producing states with U.S. forced air broadcasts of The Partridge Family, The Brady Bunch, Menudo Concerts, The Cheetah Girls, Charlie's Angels, Miami Vice, The Love Boat, Fantasy Island, and 24-hour repeats of all Joan Rivers Red Carpet interview specials ever recorded on several open-air TV channels.

If they resist, threaten them with Richard Simmons exercise videos, Roseanne, Maude, and our secret weapon, Barney the Purple Dinosaur.

Require gas stations to give away a free bicycle after every $3,000 of gas purchased. (10 SUV fill-ups).

Mandatory 4-day work weeks in summers with 9 hour workday max (Mondays off? We all hate them anyway).

This will reduce work commute gas consumption by 20% in summertime when they soak us for high prices anyway. Threaten to do the same thing in winter when there is no sunlight to do anything fun anyway.

Downtown Parking Garages must give 40% discounts to those who arrive with 2 passengers before 9am. They collect signed forms to use for tax rebates to offset cost.

We all move to Abu Dabi!

See: http://edition.cnn.com/2008/BUSINESS/05/09/oil.prices.ap/index.html?iref=topnews

Peter, Chief Editor and Spelling Wrecker
The Peter Files Blog of Comedy, Jokes, Satire, Commentary and Videos
Http://ThePeterFiles.blogspot.com

Drizzle, Drazzle, Drazzle, Drone, Time For Clinton To Go Home

2008-05-07T00:38:00.003-05:00

It's been a heck of a fight, and there have been a lot of things I did not like about it, but tonight's results show me, that even with CNN's projection that Clinton took Indiana, the 147 vote delegate count Obama lead still creates a hurdle that is too high for Clinton to breach between now and the end of the primaries.

America loves a fighter and a scrappy underdog. But if Clinton does not win the nomination and winds up dragging Obama through the dirt to try to get it, she risks being seen as the Ralph Nader of the 2008 political season. Of course, she could win. The Chicago Cubs and the Chicago White Sox could also fight each other out in the World Series this year.

With all due respect, and respect is due, that it is time for Senator Hillary Clinton to end her campaign for President and begin her campaign for the Vice-Presidential nomination.

147 Delegates is too many. Democrats will not stand for a super-delegate win when the regular delegate vote puts Obama ahead. It would cause the same kind of disillusionment that the Party faced after the Gore vote theft defeat.

Her name will still be on the last ballots of course, but pulling out now will make her appear to be an actual uniter instead of a divider and at this time, this is what the Democratic Party needs. So think Ms. Clinton. Sometimes hubris isn't enough.

AND IF WE CAN'T TRUST YOU TO FACE UP TO THE TRUTH AND ADMIT IT DURING AN ELECTION WHAT THE HECK SHOULD WE EXPECT YOU TO DO IN OFFICE?

After arguably eight years of the worst White House in human history, the Democratic Party MUST stop the infighting NOW and start working on the Presidential Campaign.

Ms. Clinton is an ideal VP candidate because she reaches the rest of the demographics that Obama does not. Looking at their vote totals from state to state they make an indomitable team. Clinton as VP will encourage Republican Woman crossover that will exceed whatever Male residual Clinton hating is left over.

They are both smart as hell, they both can work together. But the Dems always wait too long giving the Republicans a huge advantage when it comes to getting rolling for the fall.

Why do this?

Obama's lead might be mathematically possible to beat, but NC and enough of Indiana did not fall for the Rev. Wright "issue relevance" late election season scam that started somewhere.

No matter what or how it started, we now know enough about Senator Obama to see past whose Church he went to as an issue. It's not something that should be relevant as an election issue and we all know it.

That kind of thing died with the "Jack Kennedy will take orders from the Pope" lies from Nixon's campaign.

Americans LIKE Barack Obama. He's proven his electability to all but a few North-Shore Illinois Chicago Cubs Fans and they never give up.

We'll see what happens. But trying to "scandal" Obama some more isn't going to work, folks. Not while memories of Whitewater and that blue dress and other things it is not fair to taint Hillary with pop into mind when someone tries to stick something on Senator Obama.

What I really want of course is a great president. They are both capable. But I think the dems have spoken over all and think Obama is either better or a more winning Presidential candidate. At least given that Obama Girl does not look 35 yet.

I hope we get one.

But already I see signs of Republican scandal following the Bush Administration mistakes coming for maybe the next 8 years. So if we don't get some dems in now, once the do get in, they'll be in forever.

Or, maybe I've just been juggling cats too long tonight and am getting goofy. When looking for political commentary consider the source. Then again, maybe this humble comedy blogger is about as good as anyone else out there tonight.

Click the CNN link for the latest results.

http://www.cnn.com/2008/POLITICS/05/06/primaries.change/index.html

Peter, Chief Editor and Spelling Wrecker
The Peter Files Blog of Comedy, Jokes, Satire, Commentary and Videos
Http://ThePeterFiles.blogspot.com

PS. I'D VOTE FOR YOU OVER W ANY DAY MS. CLINTON!!!!!!

Moon Your Mom For Mother's Day: Brunch & Moon Over Buffalo Comedy Treat!

2008-05-01T14:45:00.005-05:00

Moon Your Mom for Mother's Day?

Of course its a joke! A Whole Laugh riot!

With a yummy brunch included. The Spectacular Beverly Theatre Guild, Beverly Hills Oldest Performing Arts Group invites you and your Mom and Grandmother to their Brunch and Show Treat on Mother's Day at 11:00 am at the Garden Chalet 11100 South Ridgeland followed by a 2pm performance of the Hilarious Hilarious Comedy Moon Over Buffalo at the Brand new Beverly Arts Center 111th and Western Avenue.

Brunch Space is limited so call 708-361-0400 today!

Click image for larger view.

Peter, Chief Editor and Spelling Wrecker
The Peter Files Blog of Comedy, Jokes, Satire, Commentary and Videos
Http://ThePeterFiles.blogspot.com

Audition Notice: Oak Lawn Park District Theatre: Seussical The Musical: May 4th - 8th, 2008

2008-05-01T14:13:00.004-05:00

Audition Notice: Seussical The Musical

The Oak Lawn Park District Theatre

Auditions: May 4th - May 8th, 2008

(Peter's note: Oak Lawn Park District shows are both fun to watch and be in. If you've ever wanted to be in a musical theater production, having singing and/or dancing talent, or want to work backstage, this may be the chance you've been looking for with very nice people and high quality productions. But expect to work HARD. Great shows don't get that way by accident, everyone here pulls their weight!)

The Oak Lawn Park District Theatre group has announced a casting call for its upcoming production of Seussical The Musical.

Auditions:

Sunday, May 4 from 1 - 5 pm, for children ages 8-12 and out of town college students.
Monday, May 5 and Tuesday, May 6 from 7:30 – 10:30 pm for adults.

Come in proper attire and be prepared to sing and dance.

Auditions will be held at the Oak View Center, 4625 W. 110th Street.

Seussical will run for two consecutive weekends, August 1-3 and August 8-10.

First rehearsal will be on June 8th.

For more information on auditions or the production, call the Oak Lawn Park District at (708) 857-2200.

Peter, Chief Editor and Spelling Wrecker
The Peter Files Blog of Comedy, Jokes, Satire, Commentary and Videos
Http://ThePeterFiles.blogspot.com

China Lays Groundwork For Japan Visit By China's President: Security Detail May Include 5,000 Tanks 4,000,000 Troops For Premier's Visit

2008-04-23T06:54:00.008-05:00

According to an AP report cited on CNN today: "China's Foreign Minister Yang Jiechi left Thursday for a trip to Japan where he is expected to finalize details for a landmark official visit by China's President (Hu) early next month."

Peter Files Blog inexpert political souses have inferred from thin air that security arrangements for the Chinese President may include a surprise "Security Detail" of 5,000 tanks, 4,000,000 troops and an as yet undetermined lead-painted Thomas The Tanks Engine Red Trains.

When asked about the security arrangements by our Peter Files Blog China Desk Correspondent an unnamed spokesperson on the Chinese Delegate Staff had this to say:

Spokesperson: "Who you taking about?"
Peter Files Blog: "That's Right, Hu."
Spokesperson: "Who?"
Peter Files Blog: "Hu!"
Spokesperson: "He'll be coming to review."
Peter Files Blog: "The new Hu review?"
Spokesperson: "It may be a Zoo."
Peter Files Blog: "We heard his security detail might include troops?"
Spokesperson: "Whoops! Where did you get that idea, we no bring troops."
Peter Files Blog: "Are you sure Hu's not bringing 4,000,000 troops?"
Spokesperson: "This is a peaceful visit, who would bring troops on a peaceful visit? But Chinese exports include Hula Hoops!
Peter Files Blog: "Hu's bringing hoops?"
Spokesperson: "No hoops or troops! This peaceful visit! Peaceful!"
Peter Files Blog: "Many Thanks."
Spokesperson: "No, there will be no Tanks coming on this visit either!"
Peter Files Blog: "Not Tanks, Thanks, many thanks for your time."
Spokesperson: "No the rumor that President Hu's detail bring 5,000 tanks absolutely unfounded! You twist my words!"
Peter Files Blog: "Who's detail?"
Spokesperson: "You know who's detail, Hu's detail, the President's detail! President Hu's detail!"
Peter Files Blog: "The President is Bush?"
Spokesperson: "The President of China is not tired! He is full of energy! He does not need to bring army, I mean Security Detail to keep him awake."
Peter Files Blog: "Not like the American President. I'm not sure if he's awake even when he's awake."
Spokesperson: "Achoo!"
Peter Files Blog: "There you go again. Who?"

After reviewing this transcript, the Peter Files Blog Regrets this article and has decided to re-classify it from news/commentary to political satire and humor and to consider getting a new China Desk. They tend to be expensive so we may just hire a new foreign correspondent instead.

Who?

We just don't know.

Any volunteers. You?

The Peter Files Comedy Blog Paranoia Squad asks, why is it that it was the RED trains that were lead painted?

Hu knows?

Peter, Chief Editor and Spelling Wrecker
The Peter Files Blog of Comedy, Jokes, Satire, Commentary and Videos
Http://ThePeterFiles.blogspot.com

5 Ways To Reduce Gas Guzzling In Light Of "Worst President Ever" Bush's New Auto Fuel Standards

2008-04-22T21:28:00.006-05:00

Stop the drinking the 97 Octane Shots during Happy Hour at Stumpy's Truck Stop and Redneck Bar.
Get American Automakers to rethink that whole - "Naw, only geeks would buy electric cars" idea.
Slot machines and dice tables on all public buses and trains to build transit use and create homes for permanent moving craps games.
Baywatch Babes on all Transit Cards.
Cars to have solar panels and sails. Auto foredecks for bikini sunbathing still under debate. While this measure will slow traffic, it may cause accidents.

Give up on Pappy Reagan's idea of not aiding Transit Operations funding with Federal Operations Dollars. The idea to cut Federal Operating Existence was a terrible one then (late 1980's) and it is one now. The theory was that states would pick up the difference, but they did not, at least not in proportion to the funds that were eliminated. The difference in the Chicago region in the years since the cuts is well over a Billion Dollars and climbing.

So instead, our own federal Government drove millions of people off transit and into toxic emitting autos. Wonder if the auto industry lobbyists had anything to do with that idea?

Moving people in large urban areas to public transportation, preferably hydrogen buses, is an extremely cost-effective way, to reduce toxic emissions, reduce asthma causing smog, and reduce greenhouse gasses.

New Fuel Rules To Go Into Effect Story On CNN

Peter, Chief Editor and Spelling Wrecker
The Peter Files Blog of Comedy, Jokes, Satire, Commentary and Videos
Http://ThePeterFiles.blogspot.com